Have you ever felt like you always attract a certain type of person? I know I have! The same kinds of people seem to present themselves to me all the time. They may have different faces and different names, but in the end the same themes are always there. Not too long ago, I kept finding myself with an emotionally unavailable boyfriend; misunderstood people gravitated to me; needy people always wanted to be my friend; and if there was ever an underdog, we inevitably somehow teamed up. I found myself thinking, "What am I putting out there to attract these people to me?"
For a while, I arrogantly thought I drew these people to me because I had so much strength. Maybe I was supposed to help fix them? Like a moths to a flame, they were drawn to me because my light was shining for everyone who needed my help. Well, my believed strength did not make the boyfriends emotionally available; I was not able to build the self-esteem of the needy people; the misunderstood never gained any new insights; and the underdogs were still underdogs no matter what wisdom and examples I thought I shared. I was usually left disappointed, hurt, or annoyed. So why was I attracting these people?
This was particularly frustrating in the romantic department. After all of the books I had read, why was I still attracting these unavailable guys? I had consciously made an effort to send out the right kind of vibes, I visualized what kind of man I wanted in my life, I even created a vision board at one point; so what was I doing wrong? Because I was becoming so emotionally drained, I decided to turn off the light (which in retrospect I think might have actually been a bug zapper?) and be by myself for a while. It was time to get off of the merry-go-round and focus on making myself happy. I did not have a plan; there was no agenda; just me spending some quality time with myself doing things I enjoyed. I stopped trying to figure everything out, and things in my life seemed to calm down. I was feeling good, and I was happy! I was experiencing positive outcomes in my career, I was spending carefree time at home with my kids, and I resumed some of the pastimes I had inadvertently given up for a while. I made new friends at work, and the needy, misunderstood people did not seem to be around anymore.
When I felt at peace and wasn't trying so hard to make things go the way I pictured, my life felt right on track. Wow, what was I doing differently, I wondered? That's when it hit me: We attract what we are feeling, not necessarily what we think about.
Once I removed myself from the constant analysis of the relationships in my life and started letting things flow, positive results started to show up all around me. When I was feeling good, good things were happening! In order to extend this happiness on to my relationships, I needed to reconnect with myself and find the parts of me that brought me happiness. It was up to me to change the relationship I had with MYSELF before I could change the relationships I had with anyone else. I began to realize the strength I thought I had in relationships was actually a mask I used to hide behind when I was feeling needy and misunderstood. Because I was feeling disconnected from myself, I was the one who was emotionally unavailable, which made me the underdog in my own life. No wonder I was attracting these relationships! We can think about a strong, loving, emotionally giving partner all day, but if we don't feel that we are strong, loving, and emotionally giving ourselves, we will attract what we are sending out there.
Now I understood what needed to happen. I didn't need to fix other people; I needed to fix myself! Creating a loving and accepting relationship with myself allowed me to look deeper into what I believed about myself. I was able to identify the parts that I needed to heal, and through acceptance and a little forgiveness, I was able to heal the misperceptions I had fallen victim to and stop projecting them onto other people. The trick to attracting healthy relationships is to feel the love you are searching for from within yourself, to feel truly confident, and to know that you are complete. Take some time to reflect on the relationships in your life, and see what areas you might need to tend to within yourself. Relationships in our lives act as mirrors; when we have a loving relationship with ourselves, the reflection will always be the strong, healthy, loving relationship we deserve.
For more by Denise Scarbro, click here.
For more on relationships, click here.
Follow Denise Scarbro on Twitter: www.twitter.com/denisescarbro
Rita Wilson: Lasting Love: Long-Term Relationship Advice From Readers
Some mau want to drain you of what good feelings about life that you have in order to sabotage your growth. Meaning they can't stand that you are growing away from them and bettering yourself beyond where they are able or willing to go. "How dare you try to raise yourself above me? I'm going to make sure you don't succeed."
The others want your good feelings because they are even worse off than you are. They need what you are too weak to prevent them from taking from you for their benefit. You think you're helping and all that's happening is that they are leeching on you and destroying you slowly.
They all suck and drain us dry of our mental and emotional strength. They are people we have to get away from as quickly as we can. And most of all, we need to learn to recognize those people.
I've been one of those "needy, misunderstood people". At least to some. It's not that I actually am that way, it just that some point of the friendship is reached, and I'm being pulled to the side to be given a lecture on how to "fix" myself. I'm usually left scratching my head and somewhat hurt because it wasn't something I was looking for, wanted, or needed. The hurt goes away though once I realize that it's projection more than anything, and that they're trying to "solve" me to resolve their own issues.
But it's not everyone. The truly happy people have never done that too me, because they see my own happiness to match theirs.
I think this is key:
"We attract what we are feeling, not necessarily what we think about. "
xx
Good point. Kudos.
at first, I didn't think it applied.... as I read more and more... I saw...
Fix ME first !!!
Thanks...
Nope, I don't think that's it. I think you are still trying to rationalize some grand narrative about why you were attracting the wrong guys. You are still totally BS yourself.
"Once I removed myself from the constant analysis of the relationships in my life and started letting things flow, positive results started to show up all around me."
Ah! Yes, now we have it! When you stop over analyzing people and your relationships with them and just enjoy spending time with people, positive results started to show up. I somehow doubt that it was you attracting wildly different people. The fact of the matter is every person and relationship has its flaws. Someone will want slightly more attention than you normally give or be slightly less emotionally open. One can live with slight flaws; their approach to relationships is slightly different, whatever. But when you over analyze, then you find that you are with someone needy or emotionally unavailable. Maybe it wasn't the people and circumstances but rather your perspective on the situation.
"Now I understood what needed to happen. I didn't need to fix other people; I needed to fix myself!"
I think you need to stop looking for someone to fix.
Self-improvement is always nice and positive. But I somehow doubt you are something that so desperately needs fixed.