Cara Paiuk recently wrote an article in the New York Times Motherlode about a surprising question she saw on the kindergarten application form for her son. The response to her article has been overwhelming. Since Motherlode published the piece, it's been written about all over -- including in The Huffington Post -- and Hoda and Kathy Lee even chatted about it on The Today Show.
Most people seem to agree that the way a child comes into the world is not anyone's business -- except a doctor's. Many paying attention to the story are also outraged because the question was directed at the female parent. It's difficult to imagine that kind of thing ever being asked of a man. I know men don't have vaginas, but that's not really the point. As Paiuk points out in the original Motherlode piece, the question reminded her "of some awful blind date asking if the carpet matched the drapes." Are people more likely to ask women offensive questions and feel more entitled to be invasive? Probably. In the end, Paiuk declined to fill out the form.
If vaginas are fair game, what else might women be asked when filling out forms for their children? Here's an imaginary application specifically designed to invade a woman's privacy while at the same time shaming her and making her feel as guilty as possible about her choices:
Conception
Did you have an orgasm when you conceived your child?
_Yes _No _I don't know, which means it wasn't memorable
If yes, was it simultaneous? Really? I don't believe you.
Did your husband have an orgasm? I'm kidding! Why so sensitive?
Pregnancy
How much weight did you gain during your pregnancy?
Did you get heavy just in your stomach, or were you big all around?
Speaking of weight gain, please check the specific places on your body where you were bloated: _Feet _Belly _Face _Upper Arms _Neck _I Had Cankles
Birth
Were you good and brave? Or did you take the epidural?
Did you do everything your doctor told you, or did you show up in the delivery room with "opinions" about how you wanted to give birth?
When you pushed out your baby, what else came out?
Infancy
Did you breastfeed or formula feed?
When did you first give the baby solid food? Please check one:
_Too soon _Too late
Did you give your baby homemade mash or did you buy jars of pureed pear and try to convince yourself that was OK?
When did you first give the baby sugar?
When did you first put your baby in front of the TV?
When did you first give your baby sugar in front of the TV?
Early Childhood
Did you read to your child? How often?
Did you spend enough time broadening your child's horizons rather than just dragging them along to Target to do errands?
Did you discipline your child in an intelligent way, or were you just too overwhelmed by the new baby to really put some thought into it?
Describe in detail every tantrum your child has ever had and how you botched your reaction.
Thank you for filling out our basic application form. Wait 'til you see the first grade form next year!
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