You've already been through the emotional, financial and familial firestorm that comes with divorce. And you are in the process of recovery. In fact you have begun to get out there and have met a few people with potential. Sparks have begun to fly with this one or that, and, truth be told, you are starting to have fun with dating. The siren call of love is there. But the idea of proceeding with a relationship gives you the jitters. Potentially going through all that break-up pain once again? No thank you. So you are caught in a complete push-pull. The question is: how do you proceed without being burnt in the end? You want divorce insurance!
You know that an ounce of you-know-what is worth a pound of cure. Maybe your idea of insurance revolves around meeting a true soul mate. A person who fits, who can offer assurances by their very being that they will belong and stay and grow with you until the end. That sounds like a great solution. But then how do you know that a person is your soul mate?
The idea of a soul mate is thousands of years old. In The Symposium, Plato described the soul mate as the person's "other half" that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find that missing half, that twin flame. The theme has been exploited in movies like "The Butcher's Wife," "The Time Traveler's Wife" and "City of Angels." Other views of soul mates include reincarnation and that the person is someone with whom we have shared other lives. The movie, "What Dreams May Come," beautifully explored the profound connection that may continue after the death of one's Beloved.
So what does science have to say about all this? Psychologists have found that people fall into two groups on the question of what makes for a successful relationship: Group one believes it's based primarily on finding the "right person" (soul mate); while group two believes in the "work at it consistently" approach to lasting love. The soul mate group believes that choosing the right person helps overcome most of the problems that love throws our way. And if it doesn't go so easy, we must have picked the wrong person. Therefore, on to the next partner. The "work at it" group believes that there are no perfect princes or princesses and that we are all works in progress. Therefore, a lasting love relationship is never an easy process and we shouldn't ever expect that.
Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one man for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, mentees, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication and commitment.
But neither is everyone a good match for us. Research shows that scent and other physical traits play roles in sexual attraction or desire. And that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. Therefore, while the one perfect person idea can lead to a long road of disappointment, there are certainly better and worse matches for us. If we are with a more compatible person we are more likely to have the experience of being with the One who is a soul mate. And while there is no such thing as divorce insurance, being with a great match will greatly reduce the chances that you will break up the next time around.
Chances are very good that there is more than one person, in fact several Ones who could fit the bill for you. And all of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether your current partner can fit the bill as a soul mate? Here are 11 relationship markers from my new book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love to help you know to what degree he or she is one of the Ones:
1.When you're with this person you feel like you've come home.
2.You feel like your partnership was meant to be as if kissed by destiny.
3.In your communication with each other there is a rapid "knowing" of what each of you means.
4.You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family.
5.When you're together the world seems like a better place.
6.Your mood is elevated when you're together. It's not necessarily passion or excitement,
although that's there too at times.
7.When you look at your significant other you see a part of yourself that's been missing. Perhaps it's assertiveness or joy of adventure. But it's something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.
8.Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.
9.You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.
10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.
11.These special qualities of connection are growing over time, not disappearing completely or diminishing.
By considering these 11 markers of being with a soul mate you can make more informed decisions about whom you allow into your heart of hearts. You won't necessarily feel all 11 of these things happening when you're with your partner. That's where the imperfection comes in--either in you or your partner. But if you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards sharing more of these qualities and creating a relationship that is unbreakable. For weekly support and dozens of additional relationship tips on how to know if your partner is the One and how to create committed love that lasts, get my free Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter.