In the wake of "Unfriend Your Ex Day," I wanted to approach the relationship to one's ex from a different perspective. What prompted my musings was that many of you have written to me recently with the same question:
"I still love my ex, and I think he still loves me. How do I get him back? Or should I just try to forget him?"
When I or my Love Mentors have delved into the particular situation, we've found that often, even though your relationship is officially "over," he may suddenly resume his normal e-mails or texting with you, or even call you and ask to get together. But before you rush back and pretend that everything is business as usual, ask yourself, "What's really changed?" You can give him some more contact, but do not make it too easy for him. For example, in the first few interactions, challenge him by asking if he has had any further thoughts about the breakdown in your relationship. If he wants to see you, just schedule a half-hour coffee date and make sure you have something planned that you must go to afterward. Don't wind up impulsively sleeping with him again when he hasn't demonstrated much transformation. This is the kiss of death, and I have seen it happen all too often.
In my new bestselling relationship advice book, "Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love," I share all the secrets and guiding principles behind any possible reconciliation. Here are 12 key signs to look for in your ex's behavior while you're in contact with him. In order to have more and more contact with you, he has to show that he is sincere. Words are cheap. More importantly, watch for his follow-through on actions he promises you. To help you determine whether the separation from you has helped your guy achieve a breakthrough in his commitment, fears or self-doubts, look for one of these 12 signs, ranging from modest improvements in behavior to deep transformations.
The 12 Signs of Change:
- He shows you that he's worried or upset (this is realistic if he really cares for you!)
If he shows these signs and does want to get back with you, make sure you are having serious conversations about your future and what it's going to take to get your relationship to a deeper level, like counseling, apartment hunting or even ring shopping.
The bottom line is courage. No guts, no glory. Instead of investing so much time and energy in a relationship that is dragging you down, you can choose to set a limit. After all, you could be much happier in a new relationship with someone who is appreciative and actively building a future with you. A relationship should make your life better, not worse.