10 Best Ways to Screw Up Your Divorce

Before I became a mediator, I was a divorce litigation attorney for 12 years. My nickname was "Jaws." Litigation was fun--for me, the lawyer--but probably not so much for the clients who were paying a king's ransom for a lot of stuff they insisted that needed to be done which I knew was counter-productive. If I said that at the outset of the case, I'd be accused of being on the other spouse's side, yet after I followed the client's instructions of "damn the torpedos " after the fact I'd be accused of churning the case to jack up the bill. So 22 years later, I'm a full time mediator and as a result have the freedom to tell you how divorce litigation clients screw themselves and waste their money. Think I'm kidding? I was once fired by a client because I handed her husband a Kleenex after I made him cry at a deposition. Seriously.

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Be Disorganized

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Organize nothing. Either bring none of your financial records or requested documents to your attorney's office or court hearing, or bring all your financial records in a paper sack overflowing with miscellaneous papers. As part of your mission of being incredibly disorganized, it's also extremely important to take no responsibility for any aspect of your case. Procrastinate getting documents together and ask your lawyer to handle even the simplest stuff because you don't have time and, of course, money is no object.

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Organize nothing. Either bring none of your financial records or requested documents to your attorney's office or court hearing, or bring all your financial records in a paper sack overflowing with miscellaneous papers.

As part of your mission of being incredibly disorganized, it's also extremely important to take no responsibility for any aspect of your case. Procrastinate getting documents together and ask your lawyer to handle even the simplest stuff because you don't have time and, of course, money is no object.

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Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life (Penguin 2010), and Your Divorce Advisor (Simon & Schuster 2001) and a mediator at Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

 

 

Follow Diana Mercer on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dianamercer

Comments

[Lynn Adams Buckley]

02:01 AM on 02/13/2011

I've been a litigation secretary, and then paralegal for 30 years, yet I couldn't control my own behavior. I was on the phone thinking of new strategies to "get him" at least every day. I will state that I was whacked out on high doses of steroids for a prolonged period of time due to a series of severe asthma attacks (7), all of which required stays in the hospital, including the ICU. My most embarrassing tactic? Wasting an entire half day deposing his parents, and scheduling it two months out so my ex-mean, nasty, stick her nose in our business mother inlaw would have something to worry about. I knew she had never been involved in ANY legal proceeding and just the process would get to her. It was just an added bonus that my attorney would get to ask her questions relating to her favorite "do no wrong" son's infidelity. Obviously, there wasn't anything to be gained from her testimony that would assist my case, but I still don't regret spending that money.

Prior to the our divorce becoming final, my husband suffered a heart attack and passed away. Sadly, things had improved tremendously, and we were seriously discussing reconciliation.

[Ben Quick]

06:43 AM on 02/06/2011

My only quibble, and it's kind of a big one, is the advice not to spend a lot on a lawyer. My advice, as a man with a 11-y-o son and a very difficult ex, is to hire the best lawyer you can find--even if it means you end up deep in debt. Just do it. Trust me. High quality legal counsel is imperative, especially if you're a man dealing with custody issues.

[tripplanner]

12:01 AM on 02/05/2011

So many people told me to "GET HIM". I couldnt care less about "getting him" except to get him out of my life as much as possible. MY goal was to make sure I could live with the arrangement 10 years from now and tomorrow! (Some are so focused on the future and what they're going to "get", they dont realize they have to pay that pesky heating bill and end up losing everything) I interviewed a few lawyers and came to the conclusion that no one knows our situation better than we do. He knows it and I know it whether we get along or not, which we dont. I wrote down exactly what I would be satisfied with as a fair agreement. I always kept our interactions businesslike because as I'm sure many of you know, sh#%@ can get in the way that has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with needing to have an arrangement that will not destroy you, your children or the "loathsome" ex (even if you hate, more than likely some sort of financial co-dependecy will be involved) Once I knew what I could live with, that I could take care of my children and what was fair enough that even the ex couldnt argue, I found a lawyer, presented my piece of paper and said, put this into that legal language and set me up with a court date and that was that, neither of us having to lose 1/3 to the lawyers.

[Bobcaaat]

11:40 AM on 02/04/2011

One more ... use the same atty.

[WSAY]

12:19 PM on 01/29/2011

As an attorney I must say this is dead on true. And while you are at it, be sure you spend $1,000 arguing about who gets a $200 chair.

[Diana Mercer]

07:32 PM on 02/04/2011

LOL--yes, stepping over a quarter to pick up a nickel is very important.

[Miven T]

05:11 PM on 01/28/2011

Wonderfully done, and with a graceful sense of humor on such a rough topic. Great work. I've always liked Peacetalks. So hard to remain conscious and awake during divorce. I will be sharing this widely.

[Diana Mercer]

07:33 PM on 02/04/2011

Thanks, @Miven T.

[sgraham59]

12:15 PM on 01/28/2011

My EX already did it for me

[JStading]

12:43 AM on 01/28/2011

I believe the author forgot my favorite one of all - post everything on Facebook/Myspace/whatever.  I'm amazed at how much of a treasure trove these social networking sites have become for impeachment evidence. I have seen first hand witnesses throw lines out like "I was so torn up by the abuse of my spouse, that I was in a nearly suicidal depression during the week of XYZ."  Of course, when the photo album of him/her doing body shots off some random person at a tropical resort surfaces, the story changes to "I was so self-destructive, I was just trying to numb the pain with 1300 calorie alcohol infused sugar."  I've also seen people post things to facebook (read: drug use/reckless conduct) that makes it nearly impossible for them to win custody/support orders.  Really unbelievable stuff.

[Diana Mercer]

07:35 PM on 02/04/2011

@JStading--right! Back in the day, we'd subpoena the Fast Pass toll booth records so when spouse was supposed to be at the office, we could prove he or she was ......ahem....elsewhere......

[Maverickpower]

08:52 PM on 01/27/2011

Oh my God this is just a little to late for me to learn. The same questions over and over , it is annoying that my attorney just can't tell me what is going to happen...

[Indie Mom]

09:18 PM on 01/27/2011

I thought this same thing. After a year, I've finally realized how the system works. If lawyers tell you all these things from day 1 (and some people couldn't even understand it because of the trauma of filing and such) they wouldn't make money. I had to learn most of these things the hard way. My greatest strength -- I've been so organized and so punctual and thorough with my paperwork and such that the lawyer said I'd be an amazing paralegal! My weakness -- I'm an emotional mess still and my lawyer has had to have several 'come to Jesus' talks prior to mediation and our upcoming trial to stop sounding like a victim and get my shit together. I think this is why he has purposely dragged it on for so long because he has seen I needed to heal more.

[Diana Mercer]

07:37 PM on 02/04/2011

Have you read "open letter from your divorce lawyer?" You can google it or there's a link to it in blue in the 3rd sentence of the article (If I told them at the outset....). You will go on, though! And you deserve to be married to someone who wants to be married to you and who cares about you. And maybe paralegal is your next career---you never know what good things will come about once you're out from under this anvil. Best wishes.

[Paul108]

07:31 PM on 01/27/2011

How about, "Remember your commitment or how you felt in love"?

[Jay Neff]

06:36 PM on 01/27/2011

Nice post. I think that right now I have clients doing all of these. I usually try to get clients into some sort of therapy, but,they never seem to.
jaysrants.com

[MrMusubi]

04:57 PM on 01/27/2011

I'm lucky, I guess. My divorce was finalized TODAY after 5 months of wrangling. Being out of state made it difficult at times and I had to hire an expensive lawyer but in the end you get what you pay for.
I was guilty of a few of the things listed above initially, but as the legal bills came in, quickly changed my ways.
Actually, all is good as this was for the best for both and there is no real animosity (being 4500 miles away helps a lot!!). Some of my friends (men and women) have gone through absolute hell at times during divorce.
It may sound lame, but if you work with your ex to negotiate it fair and somewhat equitable, it's a lot less contentious (and saves all $$$) as it gets close to the final. I know; that's easier said than done, but it is worth the effort from BOTH involved..

[Indie Mom]

09:23 PM on 01/27/2011

I also learned quickly, through bills, about how to change my ways! Good for you that everything has turned out well. Your are right, though, that it is easier said than done. My divorce has been very high conflict and volatile, etc. mainly from the other side. The reasons are varied and the undercurrents of the behaviors are laced with alcoholism and abuse, but I have not reciprocated the vitriol. I have hoped and prayed for an amiable divorce. I finally gave up and just ride the waves until it's over. Then I'll find myself an evening job to pay off the divorce debt.

[MrMusubi]

10:00 PM on 01/27/2011

I'm sorry to hear that. Bad behavior, be it verbal, physical, emotional, substance abuse, or whatever just makes the whole process worse. I empathize with your situation and hope there is some kind of decency by the end of it all. I personally am disheartened by marriage now; I don't see myself going that route again. Though it is nice to see good friends keep their marriages going strong. As long as you survive this with your self respect intact (and it seems you have so far!), you'll come out on top! And good for you for taking the high road by not lowering yourself in the vitriol. Take care and best of luck going forward...

[Diana Mercer]

07:38 PM on 02/04/2011

Yes! If you can handle the easy stuff on your own (like furniture and checking accounts) you'll be ahead of the game. And once you get rolling, maybe you can settle everything. It's worth it to try! Over 95% of all court cases settle anyway...why not assume you can settle, too?

[sandihutcheson]

04:44 PM on 01/27/2011

Whew! I'm only guilty of 2 or 3. So I'm not a total screwup, right?

[Diana Mercer]

07:44 PM on 02/04/2011

We're all guilty of 2 or 3, LOL! It's about doing a better job tomorrow than yesterday.

[LynnyC]

03:16 PM on 01/27/2011

half of these points reminds me of someone I know. Good slideshow with great captions!

[oldbutkickin]

02:47 PM on 01/27/2011

Have I have story for you. How to totally screw up even after 10 yrs of being divorced!. Drug through court, judge doesn't want to hear the case, won't read motions, dumps on mediator, mediator is way over priced, I wind up representing myself after paying my lawyer a retainer, gets pissed off at me, dumps me. Like a circus of incompetent boobs. I lose big time, still mad at this, Lawyers who supposedly represented me in the initial divorce, quietly represented my X. We were tied up in business. A totally screwed up mess, even to the fact my law firm who represented me during the divorce sent me an email, after I contacted him over another matter concerning my divorce, stating his firm is now representing my X. The games that were played were illegal, unethical and yet it didn't matter in a court of law.
Truth in this case wasn't a factor nor that I was married to this guy for over 20 yrs. I still got the shaft, thrown in front of the bus, humiliated in front of children and friends. Got nothing then or now.
I think justice was not served, it was the lawyers that benefited.

[Diana Mercer]

07:54 PM on 02/04/2011

What a mess. I'm so sorry to hear it. I hate how the system encourages bad behavior and treats people like criminals.