Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

The feeling of guilt always crossed my mind when thinking about moving out after my brother passed away.

My dream was to live in France, specifically Paris, since my love for the language, culture and way of life has been with me since I was in 6th grade. Mind you, I am turning 29 next month. I spoke French fluently. I wanted to be submerged and take 'Le Metro' to work. All of my friends and family knew that's what my ideal life would be. I have been told I am very "French" but I have absolutely no French in me!

That dream of mine came to a halt when John* passed. I felt I had to put my life on hold while dealing with this huge "bump" in the road and should be there for my parents. I thought to myself "I can't move far away since I am my parents' only child now," "What would they do if they needed help?" A flight from France to the United States is generally six or more hours and so much could happen in that period of time if I had to come home for an emergency.

My parents have always told me and still do that I should follow my dream of living overseas, but I feel that I can't take the risk anymore. They're not getting any younger. Besides my brother's passing, my mom was also diagnosed with pre-leukemia, and that, too, is also always in the back of my mind. I feel I would be abandoning them for what "I want to do" and be looked at as selfish in other people's eyes. I mean, what would others think when my parents were asked if I lived around the area and they responded with "Oh, Diane. She's living in France!" I'm pretty sure they would say, "That's great!" but I'm more than sure they'd be thinking "That's kind of selfish of her to do to her parents especially after John's death."

Okay, so living in France is not on the burner for discussion anymore, but moving to a nearby town is. They know it's time for me to move on. I need to stand on my own two feet. I have grown so much physically, mentally and maturely in last 15 months. I can do it and I know my parents will be just fine. I guess being 15 minutes away is better than six-plus hours and an ocean away.

I have found a cute little condo in a next town over that I can make my own and am waiting to hear back if I have the highest bid! I know for fact that my parents are more than okay with this decision. They start discussions about decorating, painting, my (hopefully) new commute to work, where we can go shopping etc.

In that case, I guess I shouldn't be feeling the guilt of moving out hanging over my head. I know they are happy for me and want to see me in a place where I can call home. I am sure my parents will do just fine living alone and will have their moments, but I will only be a phone call away as will they be!

Guilt was only holding me back from moving on in life. I know my parents would say I'm crazy for having felt that way (if they only knew as well), but what kind of newly "only child" wouldn't? It's hard to accept the fact that I am technically an "only child" now, but that is truly my reality.