Well, I'm not sure how to really do this. No not blogging... the whole "coming out" thing. There I just did it... Wait a second.... Nope. I don't feel any different.
Yep I'm gay. Nope still don't feel any different. It's not a bad thing, I'm just saying I don't feel any different. Now I don't want to waste your time, so that's why I put it in the second paragraph, rather than burying it and making you read until the end, though I hope you keep reading, because I think it's important and worth the read!
I know that maybe some of you are surprised, and maybe some of you aren't. I also know that the last time you and I spoke, might be the last time we will ever speak. I know that for some of you, it's only just opened the friendship that we have, and for others maybe unfortunately it just ended the one we had.
Trust me, I have thought it all out, and understand that everyone is entitled to their own reaction, and for some, those will be a negative reaction. It's cool because see, it's YOUR reaction, you get to dictate what that will be, the mood or tone it will set, and the way it will be presented. But the other side to that, is that my story is just that... MY story. You don't have to understand it, support it, agree with it, promote it, accept it, or even be proud of it. In fact, I don't even ask that of you. The only thing I do ask is, if you loved me before reading this, once you're done (assuming you're still reading it) that you keep loving me.
Why now, you wonder? Well there's a lot that goes into answering that, but I'll keep it short. Luckily for me, I have realized the proud, confident, smart (is it too narcissistic to say good looking?), rational, loving, accepting, and loyal person that I am. Granted it may have taken me a while, but if this is who I am, all of those adjectives, why not own it?
I am sure some of you wonder why I posted it here, and not told you individually. First, if you got upset that I did, get over it, there's a reason for it! I am not one to want to make others feel uncomfortable. I want you to be able to process it all in your own way, and in your own time. If I told you in person, you are forced to deal with it and make a snap decision right on the spot. Doing it this way, you can read this and act like you never did, forgetting about how it made you feel, or you can accept it, and keep our relationship the same as it's been, since I have no intention of changing it.
I am doing this for me, not for you. I'm telling you this for my own good, not for you to posses the knowledge that I am gay. You get your own story (which part of your story is your reaction), this one... it's mine, and I am going to live it, since I only get one shot at it. If I truly want to be trusted, then I have to be honest. If I want to be honest, I have to be true, and if I want to be true... I have to be me.
Back in February, an athlete by the name of Robbie Rogers posted on his blog revealing he was gay. He said something that truly I felt and never have been able to put into words. Since then, I have been using his words, because they are the ones that I have felt, but somehow only he had the wisdom to craft.
"People love to preach about honesty, how honesty is so plain and simple. Try explaining to your loved ones after 25 years you are gay. Try convincing yourself that your Creator has the most wonderful purpose for you even though you were taught differently."
See for me, I was never one to believe if you were gay, you were going to hell. I was one though to struggle with the belief that if you were gay, it's wrong, or at least society has told me that it is. But then when I really thought about it, that same (uninformed) society also once thought that a woman should not be able to vote and express her opinion. That same society also believed that someone of a different skin color was not equal. Guess what, I'm sure you've realized by now, they're wrong, and those views, just 'aint right! Sometimes I wish close-minded people were also born with closed mouths.
For those who I have told, I gotta thank, because you have been the ones who have encouraged me, believed in, prayed for, supported, and yes even criticized me. ALL of which I need. If my words can offer just one person what Robbie's did for me, then my job is done. Robbie closed his blog by saying this.
"I am a free man, I can move on and live my life as my Creator intended. "
I gotta say, not living the life that my Creator intended for me to live, would just be a wasted life that has so much potential, so why subscribe to not using the life I have been entrusted with, and the one that was created specifically for me?
I've always been the one to try and keep everyone happy, but I have come to a different realization lately. I'm not called to keep everyone happy. I am not responsible for other people's happiness. I am responsible for keeping myself happy, and not allowing any situation to dictate that for me. And for the first time freely, I can say that I am happy.
I am not asking you to treat me any different the next time you see me, don't feel bad for me, and if you are going to feel bad for yourself... DON'T! That makes no sense at all. I'm not acting any different than I used to, I'm still me. I know that you may need your time to deal and process and digest this. That's normal, take that time, do what you need.
As for me... well I'm just going to keep doing and being me. The one you've always known, the one you've always loved, the one you've always talked to, the one you've always believed in, the one you've always enjoyed, the one you've always laughed with (though mostly laughed at), the one you've been through everything with, and the one whose always been those things in return. The rest is up to you, cause I am no different.
Love,
Dillon
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