It takes a lot of courage and trust to look past what you've been through, and trust someone new not to put you through it again.
I read this quote a few months ago and saved it. I have it up on my refrigerator to remind myself that one day soon, I have to take the padlock off my heart and expose it again.
I'm not in any hurry. My heart sometimes feels as if it's broken in a million pieces and I'll never be able to put it back together the way it was. Then I remind myself that I don't want it to go back to the way it was. That heart was much too trusting and vulnerable. That heart had many "blind spots" that kept it in the dark from seeing things that were right in front of it. That heart expected perfection from itself and from everyone who came into contact with it. It shut down completely when it got the tiniest bit bruised. The fact that it got shattered into a million little pieces is not very surprising and probably one of the most necessary things that had to happen. Because it can't be put back together the way it was. Instead it has to be rebuilt. I'm working on manifesting a new one. One that is steadfast and solid. One that loves unconditionally. One that forgives. One that holds compassion for others who are struggling and making choices that hurt other people because they don't know another way. One that embraces the messiness and imperfection of its owner and still shines brightly because of it. Oh yes... a new heart is in order here and how grateful I am to have the opportunity to start fresh!
We have all at one time in our lives been hurt by someone. A lover, a friend, a parent, a child... Sometimes the hurt is unintentional. Other times it is purposeful. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that life gives us these experiences to help us grow. To teach us lessons about forgiveness, compassion, and vulnerability. To help us cultivate resilience, strength and trust... trust that all of it is for a higher purpose. Because ultimately we have to move on in life and have faith that the shattering of the heart was necessary in order for something greater to come in.
Knowing I had to take the first step toward manifesting my new and improved heart, I decided to write an apology letter to my old one -- the one I've shut off into the padlocked box. Because frankly it's time to cut our losses and get on with it already....
Dear My Most Precious Heart,
I'm sorry I've locked you into an impenetrable box the past 18 months. I truly thought it was for your own good. You were in a million little pieces and it just seemed too risky to have you exposed to the elements. What if you had gotten hurt again? There was already not much left of you that was whole and untarnished. It would have been like sending the victim of a car crash who was still bruised and battered out into the ongoing traffic again. I'm much more responsible than that!
To be honest with you, there were a few people who tried to get in this year. They were truly amazing, kind, compassionate and loving people who wanted to get to know you... Who saw how beautiful and perfect you were even with all of your bandages and wounds. They wanted to help repair you... Wanted for just a moment to embrace you with love so you could see your true beauty and magnificence...
But I wouldn't let them in. I was just too scared. So I sent them away. I'm sorry I did this because maybe you would be further along in your healing process right now if I had allowed them in.
I'm committing to slowly breaking down the impenetrable box I've built around you and allowing you to come out. To expose your vulnerability and exquisiteness. To proudly show off your magnificent light. To reveal to the world what a survivor you are. Yes, dear heart.. it's time for you to come out of hiding. Because you're smarter now. Tough yet soft. Open yet guarded. Hopeful yet grounded. You may have your scars but let's have faith that the universe will take care of the both of us and lead us to our next destination.
I'm excited for our next adventure!
With love and gratitude,
I invite all of you to let down your own walls. The ones you may have built around your heart to avoid pain. That is an impossible dream. The heart gets wounded to uncover the healing that need to occur. To breathe in light so they can be healed for good. So move forward with courage and abandon. Trust that the next time will be different. The mystery of what the universe has in store for you next awaits you.