My Beef with Burger King's "Flame" Cologne

I love meat. I'm an unrepentant carnivore. I've extolled the virtues of pork time and again, but what I really want to eat every single day is a bloody steak. And often I do. Which means I'll probably die one day in the not so distant future of a heart attack. But I'll die happy, sated, and oblivious to any notion of deprivasian, so fuck if I care, unless the vodka martini I've ordered with that death steak is only half-consumed by the time I keel over.

Burger King, I shit you not, has come out with a cologne called "Flame," described as the "scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat." I know I should like this, I really should. But the thing is, I don't like it when people smell like meat (a little salty meat-sweat, like the way you smell after you've been stuffing your face at the ballpark, is okay). It reminds me of our own fleshy-ness, and my mind drifts to cannibalism and mortality, two unappetizing thoughts. Just last night, Diana and I were trying to figure out where we were going to have Korean BBQ, and it was a toss-up between two of our favorite haunts. Ultimately, we picked the place where we wouldn't emerge smelling like charred human meat.

Furthermore, cologne is designed, apart from its purpose to mask B.O., to get people to fuck you. But I don't want to literally fuck a piece of meat, although I won't judge you if you do (okay, I will a little). I want that kind of meat to smell like cheap soap and laundry detergent, in that order, and then have my bloody steak after, when I'm done with it.

Beef up here, at the official Burger King "Flame" website.

Comments

[KatiePuckrikSmells]

Check out my youtube vid to find out what Burger King's Flame REALLY smells like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMXglHpoUJI

--- Katie

[Swerinjer2]

stop apologizing. Eating meat is healthy. Not eating meat is unhealthy. QED.

[LMPE]

Every time that I drive past a fast food restaurant, I feel as if I'm going to gag.

[ObjectiveRealist]

The repetition of the f-word was a little bracing, but if I understand your purpose correctly, it did achieve the desired effect. The idea of burger-scented cologne is more obscene, by far, than any number of f-boms. Keep up the great work, Disgrasian!

[TimmySlagle]

YOU might not want to have sex with a piece of meat, but there are thousands of starving skinny vegan girls, who will be strangely drawn to this exotic scent, still vaguely familiar, deep within their evolutionary memory.

What guy doesn't like pale skinny girls?

[jake106]

That was incredibly inappropriate, but funny as hell.

[OtayPanky]

I agree. This stuff should be a lady-killer.

Now if they come out with some scented oils that smell like Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, you'll catch 'em coming and going - and they won't have to barf afterwards.