06/26/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

North Korea, Do You Need a Hug?

Dear North Korea,

What's up, guy? Listen, we heard through the grapevine that you did more nuke testing today. DUDE, what have we said about missile testing? That is not playing by the rules. It's so not cool.

Buddy, you know that this bid for attention is ultimately going to backfire; and, as always, you'll end up feeling more isolated, alienated, and alone. President Obama kinda nailed it today when he said: "North Korea's behavior increases tensions and undermines stability in Northeast Asia. Such provocations will only serve to deepen North Korea's isolation." Even China is turning on you, and that just isn't rad! Do you want people talking about you like this? Do you like being an outcast? Neener neener neener!

We don't think you do. We think you just desperately want -- no, need -- the attention from the world. It's okay. We get it. We even kinda get you. You're a sad, scared little child that needs approval, respect, maybe a hug. And though we aren't sure what your parents did to you, how much your siblings taunted you, or what the other kids at school said about you, we're here to help you grow. So let's cut the bullshit and grow together. Put down the nukes. Let's go get some ice cream and talk.


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