"Ugh, Beyonce stop emailing me," is something no one has ever said ever. This is what makes Thursday September 13, 2012 a very special day for us, the peasants who toil away tirelessly in the Carter-Knowles fiefdom. On this day, "B-Day" if you will, Queen B broke her all-encompassing digital communications-silence and emailed ALL of us. "I don't you usually email you... " the email, or 'BMail' as it shall now be known, begins. Well, no shiz, Bey! High time you hit us up! So as to savor each glorious, electronic sentence bestowed upon us, let us break down the Irreplaceable ones' note:
First off, despite certain delusions to the contrary, it's important here to temper this moment of pure elation and face some cold, hard facts: Specifically, unless you're name is Sean Carter, Tina Knowles, a freshly un-closetted Frank Ocean, Kelly Rowland on her birthday or the kid who sung "Countdown" in a snuggie, this is probably the first email you've ever received from Beyonce. If you're like me, up until this very morning you mostly communicated with her majesty through music videos, Tumblr, or nightly prayer at the foot of the makeshift alter to Beyonce you've secretly constructed in your bedroom closet. Therefore, receiving this email was/is probably the closest we collectively will ever get to achieving true nirvana and lives of purpose.
"I have an amazing invitation I have to share. Jay and I will be meeting up with President Obama for an evening in NYC sometime soon," the BMail continues. WOAH! First of all, a big thank you to Beyonce for acknowledging the fact that we, just like her, are on a casual nickname basis with our home slice Jay-Z and that a low-key meet-up with Prez Obama "sometime soon" at our favorite NYC hangout is so perfectly routine, we don't even need to set a date! "We'll just text you when were there," one imagines Bey told Barack when planning the rendezvous. But here's the real kicker: "... we want you to be there." Wait... Who? Me? Us? You want US to be there???? With you and J and B and M? OMG, IN THERE LIKE SWIMWEAR, B! You wanna meet up for a drinks beforehand? Our place or yours (yours please, ours is kinda dank)!?
But this is when things get dicey, and our new, profound personal email relationship with The Artist Formerly Known as Sasha Fierce gets complicated. She continues, "Until midnight tonight, if you pitch in $25 or whatever you can, you'll be automatically entered to be flown out to join us." WAIT JUST A SECOND HERE, B. I mean, love that we're emailing now, ADORE that you're including us in your NYC hang-times with the prez, and of course getting flown out to meet you and Jay-Snapz sounds like a revelation. But we don't wanna feel like we're BUYING your friendship. When did this totally pure, all-inclusive, unfettered budding pen-palship become a contest? Also, we need you to clarify some things. Me personally, I already live in New York so when you saw I'll be "flown" to hang with you, will you be sending the Roc Nation chopper to my roof where it will shuttle me to the Obama Soiree, no doubt being held on the top of a fluffy, ornately adorned stratus cloud hovering just above the Hudson River off Tribeca? Also sidebar, I don't have any cash on me so can I just hit you with the $25 when I see ya'll at the party?
"I've had the honor of meeting President Obama and the First Lady a few times -- and believe me -- it's an opportunity you don't want to miss." Here, Bey-Sauce refers to her relationship with the POTUS and FLOTUS a little more formally than she did earlier in our BMail. What happened to us all being just a big bunch of old buddies, trying to link up for some funsies in the Big Apple!? Saying she's only met the First Couple "a few times" also betrays the treasured image I have in my head of Jay, Bey, Barry and Michy kickin' it regularly at the White House, smoking a bean out of a gold-leaf blunt, having a giggle-fit while watching "My Cat From Hell" on Animal Planet and ordering wings on Seamless Web.
I don't like to read too deeply into emails from my closest friends, but knowing her like I do (I don't know her at all), this is probably just a clever rouse on the part of BeyBootylicous to try and trick us plebeians into thinking she's just awe-struck by the president as we are.
But you know what? Cool beans, Bey-Rocka. You emailed us! You put our love on top (FINALLY!)! The truth is, we don't care if you're asking us to drink puppy blood. We're super down cuz we're friends now! Who email! Also, cool to see that you're even familiar with the term "25 Dollars!" "Don't worry about the airfare and hotel, it's taken care of. And you can bring a guest," the message continues. Obviously, this is a tad disappointing as we had all hoped B would invite us, our "guests" and the Obamas to stay over at the Carter Crib for one of her famous sleeping bag slumber parties, but a hotel sounds like good plan B (see, friends make each other laugh!). And I love that, as an award winning writer, you'll start a sentence with "And" if you damn well please!
"... the countdown is on -- the opportunity ends at midnight," reads the last sentence of the last email that we'll ever receive from our friend Beyonce, who we learn here likes to subtly reference her own songs in emails. "Can't wait to meet you! Love, B." Can't wait to meet you either, BBMACK! So, given the pressure of the "countdown" being on and whatnot, the brevity of the whole affair is likely for the best. B-Day has been a lot for us. Let us all take a little "Me, Myself and I" time (two can play this game) to reflect on the whole experience, think about what we're gonna say in our "reply-all" to Bey and get our stuff packed for New York. See everyone at the party!!!