This just in: the Baby New Year is gay. After a battery of tests, doctors have confirmed that the newborn is, in fact, homosexual. "Statistically, it was bound to happen," states the former Baby New Year of 2011. "After 2,011 heterosexual years, a gay one had to come along eventually." Santa Claus could not be reached for comment.
Experts are not sure what will result from this circumstance. Many analysts agree that, for the first time, homosexuals in the United States may be treated as full and equal human beings during the coming year. However, it is too early to tell.
One thing is clear: a gay Baby New Year will make it much harder to demonize or scapegoat homosexuals in 2012. Since it is also an election year, Republican presidential candidates are scrambling to adjust. Hardest hit is Michele Bachmann, who has built much of her political career capitalizing on her stand against homosexuals. Changing her political strategy this close to the election will be difficult. She and husband Marcus have cancelled their New Year's Eve plans. Sources close to the couple say that they will be staying home in an attempt to "pray the baby away."
Rick Santorum issued a statement that "a gay Baby New Year is clearly part of the homosexual agenda." However, gay activists had nothing to do with it. Most gays were busy trying to make the Yuletide gay and had not put any thought into the new year's sexual orientation. "What a surprise!" exclaimed one gay reveler upon hearing of the gay baby. "It gives the Times Square 'ball drop' a whole new meaning!"
Rick Perry, on a campaign stop in Iowa, stated, "I hate the sin but love the baby."
Ron Paul has said that the baby is adorable, but former aides reveal that he is uncomfortable entering a gay baby's nursery.
Newt Gingrich said simply, "That kid looks like my sister," but he had no further comment on the situation.
Mitt Romney initially favored the baby but has since distanced himself from any association whatsoever with the newborn.
Gay rights opponents were galvanized into action upon hearing the news. The Westboro Baptist Church began making "God Hates Babies" signs and plans to protest outside maternity wards throughout the year. One church member stated, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and a gay baby."
Pat Robertson claimed that the baby can be "unacquired" but provided no details as to how this could be done.
Controversial pundit Ann Coulter stated that she is sick of hearing about the baby and that she believes "those American-hating liberals would have aborted the baby if they knew it was gay."
Gay rights advocates are hailing the 2012 Baby New Year as a trailblazer. They are hopeful that other icons may follow suit: a gay Valentine's Cupid, a gay Easter Bunny, perhaps even a lesbian Tooth Fairy. They claim that saying "Happy New Year" this season sends a political message of support for the gay community.
For now, the Baby New Year is resting comfortably in a gender-neutral bassinet, unaware of the hoopla. The baby will be prepared to ring in a fabulous new year on Dec. 31.
Follow Domenick Scudera on Twitter: www.twitter.com/domscud
If you couldn't tell, I have something against using the word preference when it comes to a person's gender orientation, just as I have something against the word sexual - because it isn't about sex, though that may eventually happen, and it certainly isn't a preference as preference implies a choice can be made in the matter.
Simply put, it is the way someone is born. A person can choose their gender orientation as easily as they can choose their birth parents or the gender they were born as. My preference is that my parents were independently wealthy when I was born, but I had no say in the matter!
I wish a Gay and Felicitous New Year to all!