Homosexuals of the United States (HOTUS):
Minutes of the Gay Agenda 2012 Planning Meeting
(TOP SECRET! Do NOT leak to mainstream America)
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In attendance: 3,136,921 adult U.S. homosexuals
In absentia: Clay Aiken, who is nursing laryngitis
Meeting called to order by President Gaga at 2:07 p.m.
Summaries of committee reports:
- From the Recruitment Committee: We are facing an uphill battle. The world's population has reached 7 billion. This means that we will have to work hard to not only maintain our strength at 10 percent of the population, but each current member will have to recruit at least three new members to reach our target goal of 11 percent in 2012. (Remember our long-range plan: 16 percent by '16!)
- From the Marriage Committee: We had a very successful year in 2011. Due to the diligent work of all HOTUS members, heterosexual marriage is now ending in divorce at a steady 50 percent. Our goal is 53 percent in 2012. A new study shows that if we can force the legality of gay marriage in just two more states, we can easily achieve the goal of ruining at least 53 percent of heterosexual marriages. A sub-committee has been formed to study Kim Kardashian's recent divorce to learn more effective techniques in ending marriages at a faster rate.
- From the Pride Committee: We have done an excellent job this year of coercing local news stations to use imagery of drag queens and dykes on bikes when covering gay pride events. In 2012, we are hoping to add more imagery of leather daddies. We want the news media to continue to depict these fully representative images of the gay community when covering our pride events.
- From the Acts of God Committee: Again, a banner year in 2011! Earthquakes, hurricanes, and just plain old freaky weather was achieved, particularly on the East Coast. In 2012, HOTUS plans to anger god enough with our homosexuality to achieve total havoc in the Southern states.
- From the Election Committee: 2012 is an election year. We are launching a new campaign to discredit our Republican and conservative foes by spreading vicious rumors that they are intolerant, misogynistic, racist, homophobic, clueless, or drunk. Our 2011 pilot program in this area has made incredible headway in this department already.
- From the Military Committee: With the end of Don't Ask Don't Tell in 2011, it will be much easier to destroy unit cohesion and unravel military readiness in 2012. Openly gay military personnel are encouraged to ogle heterosexual soldiers in the showers and to act frightened and vulnerable in any combat situations.
- From the Morality Committee: No report. Due to lack of interest in morality, this committee was disbanded in 2011.
A dinner break was taken from 5:13 to 6:17 p.m. (Note: next year, we should not have our food provided by Chick-fil-A or Godfather's Pizza. Although delicious, these choices were not favored by many members this year.)
After dinner, an orgy was held in the bathroom. The purpose of this year's orgy was twofold:
- To teach members the latest deviant sexual practices for 2012.
- Members had gone without sex for almost four hours, making it difficult to proceed with business.
Breakout sessions/workshops were held in order to maintain our dominance in the following areas in 2012:
- Interior design / flower arrangement
- Musical theater
- Lesbian talk-show hosting
- General fabulousness
Before ending the meeting, special recognition and thank-yous were given to the following for their continued work in helping HOTUS with the degradation of America: Dancing with the Stars, Grindr, the state of New York, Bravo television, the cute Mr. Spock guy, vodka, and, of course, Kathy Griffin.
Upon finalization from the executive committee, leather-bound copies of Gay Agenda 2012 will be sent to all members in late December for implementation in the new year. Any member who has not received a copy by Jan. 1, please call 1-800-GAGENDA.
Meeting was adjourned at 7:58 p.m., just in time to watch Glee.
Follow Domenick Scudera on Twitter: www.twitter.com/domscud