I Demand an Apology!

12/01/2011 11:53 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

They can dish it out, but they sure can't take it.

Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann demanded an apology from NBC because the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" played while she walked onto Jimmy Fallon's late-night show. Kansas Governor Sam Brownback wanted to hear an "I'm sorry," too, after he was offended by an 18-year-old's disparaging tweet about him.

You know what? I agree with them. Representative Bachmann was a guest on Mr. Fallon's show, and as anyone who knows anything about etiquette knows, it is always impolite to insult a guest. She is a congresswoman, after all! Treat her with more respect! The Kansas teen who tweeted her remarks at the Kansas state capitol while Governor Brownback was speaking should have found a more appropriate time and place to file her complaint. What is it about today's youth? Have they no manners?

OK, now that I have gotten that out of the way, I have a message for Representative Bachmann and Governor Brownback: I deserve an apology! From you.

My name is John Q. Gay Public and I want to be treated with respect, too.

I will make you a deal, Representative Bachmann. I pledge not to call you the b-word or a "liar," as long as you agree to stop belittling my life by referring to it as a "lifestyle." If you want to be my president, please do not suggest that I live a life of "personal bondage, personal despair, personal enslavement" and that I have a "sexual dysfunction." You do not know me. Why would you say those mean things? Oh, and please, please do not equate me with a pedophile when you say things like, "It is our children who are the prize for this community, they are specifically targeting our children." And do not say it is "child abuse" to educate children about gay Americans' considerable contributions to our culture. You have said all these things and more. Remember when you felt demeaned? That is how I feel. Remember when you were outraged? So am I.

I demand an apology!

Governor Brownback, I promise not to tell you that you "suck" or that you "blow," like that rude teen did in her tweet. After all, I know how it feels to be picked on. Like when that bully Tim Wildmon called me "immoral, unnatural and unhealthy." And you didn't say anything. Remember that? It reminds me of the time you called my Swedish friends "fruits" in Rolling Stone magazine. Oh, and remember when you voted against same-sex marriage and civil unions? My partner and I didn't appreciate that. Or when you opposed the addition of sexual orientation to the hate crimes law? That was mean. Or when you supported the discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, or that horrible James Dobson, or the anti-gay Family Research Council? That hurts! Remember when you would not let me fly a simple, little, gay pride flag in your state capitol? I did not like that. Or when you opposed a judicial appointee solely because she presided at a marriage of two women? That was insulting. Or when you ... well, I could go on and on. But I will not. That is not polite. I am a gentleman. It is not my intention to humiliate you in public. I will not say anything that I will be sorry for later.

So let's make amends. Let me hear you apologize.