THE BLOG
01/06/2012 05:52 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

A Day in the Life of President Santorum

As is his custom, President Santorum awoke and exited his White House bedroom at 6:15 a.m., alert and at the ready. He went to the bottom of the stairs, where he blew his captain's whistle to rouse the children. Each of his children arrived at the bottom of the stairs upon hearing his or her distinctive whistle.

First Lady Karen Santorum had been awakened earlier by the staff and prepared a delicious, piping hot breakfast for her family. During the meal, she was ever mindful of the children's etiquette at the table. The president said grace.

After breakfast, the family dressed for the day. This being a Thursday, President Santorum chose the dark blue sweater vest.

The family met with staff and administrators in the chapel at 7:30 a.m. for morning prayers and reflection. The morning service was led by Pat Robertson. The Almighty God Himself had given Mr. Robertson the knowledge that Mr. Santorum would be the nation's next president back in early 2012. The president, also one of God's confidantes, has since felt a special kinship with Mr. Robertson.

After church service the president formed the children into a huddle, spoke some motivational words to them, and followed it with his now-familiar catchphrase: "Game on!" Mrs. Santorum then led the inspired children to the computer room so that they could begin their day of cyber schooling.

President Santorum locked himself alone in the Oval Office for one hour precisely, as he does every morning. It is not certain what the president does during this hour, but it is believed that he surfs the Web (careful not to use Google, of course) to learn more about sodomy and homosexual practices. It is widely assumed that his encyclopedic knowledge of such subjects comes from this solitary time alone with his computer.

A meeting to discuss pro-family initiatives with Vice President Michele Bachmann ensued. It is the president's belief that "the core of the American experience is the family," and it is his mission to "fight for the preservation of the traditional American family." Those who follow the "homosexual lifestyle," then, are a very real threat to homeland security. He and the vice president (who is equally passionate about this subject) are drafting a constitutional amendment to round up homosexuals and send them all to Canada.

President Santorum met with Secretary of Defense Herman Cain next. As is typical with these meetings, the two ate a sausage-and-extra-cheese Godfather's pizza while watching military movies for ideas. Today's screening included Top Gun and 300.

The president spent his afternoon dealing with other important issues. Currently he is working on bills to eradicate or dismantle those things that threaten to ruin the very fabric of America: contraception, abortion, stem-cell research, socialized medicine, privacy, evolution, Democrats, Muslims, Dan Savage, and the Supreme Court.

The president then took a meeting with God. At this meeting the president double-checked the infallibility of his opinions and got a thumbs-up.

Dinner with family followed, catered by the official fast-food restaurant of the Santorum administration, Chick-Fil-A. Again, the president said grace and was thankful to the Lord for the Christian food his family was about to consume.

After dinner, the children sang a few choruses of "My Favorite Things" and then were ushered immediately to bed. They said their prayers and fell fast asleep, secure in the knowledge that their traditional family unit had survived another day under the watchful eye of a compassionate and conservative president.

President Santorum then took to the airwaves at 7:00 p.m. for his nightly national sermon on the Fox News channel. Tonight, as with most nights, his sermon reminded the nation of its duty to family, faith, guns, and heterosexuality.

After his work day was finished President Santorum removed his sweater vest and donned his pajamas, dressing gown, and slippers. He kissed his handsome wife fondly on the forehead before escorting her to her bedroom. He then had cigars and brandy with the men of the White House, unwinding after a long day of telling everyone else how to live their lives.

Finally, at 8:15 p.m., he withdrew to his own bedroom for another night's sleep. Tomorrow he will wake refreshed, ready for yet another day of perfecting his nation of lost souls and of leading by shining example.

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