NEWS FROM THE FUTURE
CLINT FLINT SPARKS GOP OUTRAGE
February 15, 2012
CARMEL, CA - Academy Award-winning American superstar actor-writer-producer-director-composer, sometime politician, full-time Republican, gun-slinging, Cheroot-chewing, sex symbol and living legend, Clint Eastwood, called an emergency press conference in the parking lot of his Hogs Breath Inn in Carmel, California, late this afternoon.
The TV Davy Crockett of his day stood before an open mic surrounded by his supporters, including a Ruth Gordon lookalike, an orangutan, and 2,327 extras representing a perfect demographic mix of US citizens.
"My fellow Americans," Eastwood's gravel voice whispered loudly into the microphone, "let's get this straight. I believe in America. Even thought I favor those tax-cutting nut jobs in Washington who help me get richer every day, I gotta give Chrysler credit. Not that other guy. Know what I mean?" All of the 2,327 extras nodded their approval. The orangutan was non-committal.
Eastwood hooked his thumbs through the belt loops of his $4,000 Gucci jeans, leaned into the assembled cameras and said, "I know what propaganda is all about. For a Fistful of Dollars I've fought The Good, The Bad and the Ugly in my Escape From Alcatraz to Hang 'Em High on the Bridges of Madison County over The Mystic River where me and my Gran Turino, Playing Misty for Me, have been Every Which Way But Loose. And, I've learned a little bit about marketing along the way, too."
"Somehow, in ways that I simply don't understand, some members of my beloved party are accusing me of throwing down The Gauntlet to make a Sudden Impact at the Heartbreak Ridge of our Absolute Power over the Unforgiven now and in the Hereafter," Eastwood growled.
"I'm no Changeling. I understand what a True Crime can mean at Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. America is our Trillion Dollar Baby, and even old J. Edgar would have stepped into The Line of Fire to raise the Flags of Our Fathers under these circumstances. And he weren't no Space Cowboy either," Eastwood pronounced.
"It's a Tightrope for sure, but there's no Magnum Force that can Beguile me into going Where Eagles Dare to Paint Your Wagon and Chrysler knows that," Eastwood winked to the reporters.
It was getting Breezy as he climbed into his Pink Cadillac convertible with Rawhide leather seats to deliver Letters From Iwo Jima to the Honkyton Man.
Eastwood was a Pale Rider as he drove out of the parking lot Any Which Way You Can. He turned and waved to the crowd. "Cut!" he shouted, smiled and drove off into A Perfect World.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more