TO: Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers
It is with much regret that I hereby suspend you for six games for violating the league's personal conduct policy. The record shows that your behavior contributed to the irresponsible consumption of alcohol by college students. Although the league has no formal guide to alcohol-related conduct, in the future I suggest that you use the following football-game beer commercials as examples of league-sanctioned behavior:
Build a house out of Bud Light cans. When your pals start taking the cans down to drink the beer, it opens a hole which lets them accidentally see your wife or girlfriend taking a shower.
Figure out that you and a friend can take beer into the opera. When the soprano hits a high note, the bottles that you're hiding in your suits shatter. You should have brought cans!
Two busty women are drinking Miller Lite and they begin to argue whether it's less filling or tastes great. This escalates into a sexy catfight in a public fountain.
Your wife is in lingerie upstairs, in your bed on satin sheets, asking you to come to the bedroom. But you're watching the game. Then she says she has cold Bud Light. You run up the steps, tearing off your clothes, jump onto the bed, and slide over the satin sheets straight out the window, naked.
You are reluctant to skydive from a small plane, so as enticement, the instructor throws a six-pack of Bud Light out the door. That prompts the pilot to jump out after it, and there you are, left in a plane that has no pilot.
The bridge into town is out, and the Budweiser truck can't get over a ravine, so you and other people form a human bridge for the beer-delivery truck to drive over.
There are people around the city drinking Miller High Life who aren't cool enough to appreciate it, so you drive around in a truck confiscating it.
Hide Bud Lights all around the office, telling your boss that you have done it as a morale booster. But when the elevator door opens, there's a riot going on as people destroy the office to find the beer.
Your wife's friends screech about her new walk-in shoe closet, but your friends really shriek over your new walk-in Heineken closet.
Stand at the back of several football coaches' post-game press conferences, yelling questions about drinking beer.
For a parade, be dressed in a costume as a clown walking on his hands. Walk into a bar, and start drinking a Bud Light through what appears the clown's butt. Then order a hot hog.
Hire a fast-talking auctioneer to preside at your friend's wedding so you can get to the beer more quickly.
On the way to the room where you will get a massage, you detour into a different room where there is a small refrigerator of Bud Lights. You are in the wrong room now and you accidentally receive a bikini wax.
You're at an office meeting where employees are suggesting ways to reduce company spending. One guy suggests not drinking Bud Light anymore at meetings. Everyone throws him out the window.
Something about Coors Light and loving blonde twins.
Be on a dark road in a car with your girlfriend when you see a hitchhiker. The guy looks like a serial killer and is carrying an axe. But he also has a case of Bud Light, so hop in, buddy.
Follow Don Steinberg on Twitter: www.twitter.com/WriteDon