Sometime, usually between about 45 and 55 years of age, we lose our monthly blood and hormonal balance. Menopause marks the termination of our participation in the bottom-line, bigger-than-we-are, biological imperative of our species. Our reproductive potential is now no longer an option. Whether or not we chose to use it when we had it is not the point. What is crucial is feeling that our choices have narrowed.
Women of the '60s generation were the first to enjoy an unprecedented access to a variety of birth control methods. It was also largely the women of those politicized times who demanded, and ultimately won, the right to legally decide the destiny of our own bodies. Once in possession of this precious, personal choice of whether or not to become and/or stay pregnant, we have chosen, on the whole, to have fewer babies and at a more advanced age than ever before in history. Freed of what we considered to be biological tyranny and possessed of sophisticated ecological concern, fully one fifth of us chose not to have children at all.
As the tenure of our Mother Time ends, it causes many of us to reevaluate the choices that we have made about fertility, decisions that have defined our life for the past few decades. The finality of menopause really rankles. Some women who had never wanted babies now suddenly become nostalgic for what might have, could have, been.
Thirty-three years after writing a groundbreaking piece in Look magazine about not wanting to have children, the writer Betty Rollin admitted on the pages of Modern Maturity that she was "one of those old-time 'career girls' who forgot to have children. At the age of 60," she continued, "I began to mourn for the children I never had." Others, upon consideration, are secure and still satisfied with their earlier choice to remain childless, or what many in that category prefer to call child-free.
Many of us with children now face the future with an empty nest, our family grown and our kids off creating lives of their own, which leaves us with huge amounts of unaccustomed time to use as we please. This would be extremely liberating if it didn't also make us feel so lonely and insecure. I can't tell you how many times I have heard women exclaim in jubilation as their mothering days run out, "And now, it is my turn!" -- the mantra of middle age. Then they stop in their tracks, dumbstruck as they realize that now, free to pursue their deferred dreams, they have no idea any more of what it is that they want for themselves.
After a couple of decades of serving the needs and desires of others, we have lost sight of our own. Our early aspirations were sacrificed on the altar of nurturing others, murdered by self-denial, dashed by adversity and starved by neglect. Not only do we "lose" our children at this stage of life, we also lose our sense of self. As Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis poignantly put it, "What is sad for women of my generation is that they weren't supposed to work if they had families. What were they going to do when the children are grown -- watch the raindrops coming down the window pane?"
For the 20 percent of us who are not biological mothers, it is still extremely important to acknowledge that we have, in fact, been mothers in the archetypal sense. We have been birthing careers, mothering social causes, nurturing creative endeavors, tending businesses, mentoring students and co-workers. If, as it has been said, "some people give birth to children and some give birth to culture," then we were the culture mothers, the mothers of necessity, the mothers of invention.
When our era of selfless mothering of others comes to an end, we must begin to direct our ministering attentions toward our own care and feeding, our own growth and comfort, our own self-healing. Now is the time to lavish upon ourselves that same unconditional lovingkindness, encouragement, support and solace that we have always given so freely to others. Now we become our own mothers. And we get to be the mom that we always wanted!
Happy Mother's Day!
Donna Henes is the author of "The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife." She is the Midlife Midwife™, offering counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate and powerful maturity. Consult her at blog.beliefnet.com/thequeenofmyself.
Follow Donna Henes on Twitter: www.twitter.com/queenmamadonna
Ken Jeong: For My Wife, in Celebration of Mother's Day
Had children, never once offered up my dreams on the altar of motherhood but had a life next to being a mom, looking forward to not menstruating.
Maybe there is something to what you are saying here and the realization by White men that women are progressing beyond being defined by their appearance, is causing so much legislation to pass that is attempting to limit womens reproductive rights,decisions,responsibilities. I guess the freedom bells only toll for a few (white men).
She and my son were here Friday evening and yesterday morning and she could not seem to enjoy herself at all. Nothing was fun - nothing was interesting - nothing gave her any pleasure or enjoyment. She spent most of her time on her cell phone - checking on the kids and grandkids. If they did not answer, she left messages demanding to know what was wrong!
Guess I have a different point of view. Once you raise your children as best you can and they enter their own areas in business, their own marriages and families, then you let them make their own mistakes, lead their own lives, raise their children in the way they think is best - being very, very careful if they ask for your advice.
Now, a great-grandmother of 9, I love all my kids, grandkids and great-grandkids - we get along just fine. They don't interfere in my life and I don't interfere in theirs.
We get what we get, and we should be grateful for whatever gifts might come our way.
Sometimes it's not easy to accept that we're not in control, but when we finally do, it's a relief.
When he is sick..she mothers him...when he gets a raise,etc...she must celebrate him.
It really is years and years of childrens and partners needs.
By the time the children are out into the world fact is she is pretty well worn out.
Physically, mentally, emotionally. She has to start from scratch...trying to remember who she was, once upon a time..but now she is no longer marketable.
Generally about that time she either has the courage to rid herself of this adult/child she has poured her life into or he decides that two twenties is a hell of a lot better than a worn out 40.
I realize there are couples who live their lives as adults..helping each other along the way..but I have lived for 70 years and have seen precious few.
Good conversation for Mothers Day..by the way...Thanks. v.
My husband has just retired from work too. That's now two of us seeking to find our true and deeply personal selves! Who knows what we might find along the way!
Thank you for pointing out that embarking on such a journey is not only a legitimate choice to make, it is also boundlessly worthwhile!
Margaret W, Preston, UK
A very love-filled,heartfelt 'Happy Mother's Day' to you! Since I found you, you have birthed within me new ideas, wonderful emotions (mostly happiness) and awe.
I am not only in mid-life but my only child is graduating from HS and I have lost my business. I still don't know what the next chapter will be and most of the time I am afraid. You have been the calm in my storm so often and I love you for that.
I am much touched by your very kind words. Please know that I could not possibly give you anything that you didn't already have. Have faith, my dear. The midlife transition is a difficult one, marked by many losses, but there is such freedom, joy and self-esteem waiting for you on the other side. And do contact me if you feel that Midlife Midwife counseling can be of some help to you.
thequeenofmyself@aol.com.