Hello everyone, and welcome to my blog. First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who wrote to me with messages of love and support. You'll never know how much those e-mails mean to me. I consider my entire fan base to be one big support group and I'll need you once I begin my new lifestyle. No, I haven't gone on a diet yet although I have lost over 50 Lbs. just from the stress of leaving my old life. I want everyone to know that although it wasn't easy making the decision to leave someone I cared for greatly, I now know it was the right move. I hold no ill feelings toward my ex and I hope in time, Philippe will begin to understand what motivated me. He will always hold a special place in my heart and I very much want him to be a part of our daughter, Jacqueline's life. She loves her daddy very much and I know how much she means to him.
I'd like to set the record straight and say right here and now that I never expected to reach a goal of one thousand pounds. Contrary to what it said in the tabloids, I never set that as a life goal. When I appeared on the Tyra Banks show, I said I wanted to gain more weight and I meant it. When I was asked how much I wanted to weigh, I said I wouldn't mind being one thousand pounds. At that time, it was true. Now I need to change my attitude. Also, I never said I wanted to be the fattest woman in the world. People had written that I was 700 pounds, ate a minimum of 12,000 calories a day and made six figures from my website. That was never true; it was just sensationalism by the media. I never watched my calorie intake, nor did I intentionally do anything to gain. I still believe that large people need to be accepted for who they are and not be shunned by the world. Being fat is the last acceptable form of bias and it needs to stop!
One more item about the tabloid media; there are a lot of quotes all over the internet right now and they are not my quotes! I am not in competition with anyone and I want no part of that world. There are a lot of nice people in the BBW community and some of them are my friends, it's just not what I want out of life anymore. I take full responsibility for putting myself in this predicament and I'm doing my best to change things.
The truth is that I was in a relationship where food was a fetish. My ex enjoyed my fatness and watching me eat and I enjoyed eating and making him happy. Although the feeding is real, the fetish is only a fantasy. If you visit the website, www.fantasyfeeder.com you can explore this world. Most of the people who frequent that website have embraced my choice, but there is a moral dilemma in the feeder community. There are plenty of men who will buy you 4 pizzas and enjoy watching you eat all of them. But what it comes down to is that you become a slave to the food and to your feeder.
In my case, I became totally dependent on other people to perform everyday tasks for me. If my boyfriend didn't wash me in our huge shower, I'd have to go without bathing. I needed people to drive me places, push me in a wheelchair, ride around supermarkets on a scooter and use specially designed devices to reach objects in the kitchen cupboard. Performing personal hygiene became an adventure and quite frankly now that I am on my own, the reality of my life has hit me hard and
I can't wait until I am able to take my daughter to the park or the movies and drive my son to school.
One of my goals is to just take a shower, the same way the average person does. I don't want to think about whether or not I'm going to break a chair or if I can fit in certain places. I want to improve my health. I suffer from fibromyalgia and mild diabetes. I need to improve my breathing and cardio pulmonary system. In this body, I have to think about every move I make and whether or not the situation will accommodate a person of my size. It's not fun!
Once again, I want to thank all the people who took the time to write to me with words of encouragement, it helps so much. I want to say how much I love my children, Devin and Jacqueline as well as the rest of my family and friends. You mean everything to me and you are my inspiration. With God's help and the support of my family, friends, and fans, I'll be able to accomplish what I am setting out to do.
In my next blog, I will explore the different options that may be available to me. I know that I need counseling in addition to help from experts in the fields of nutrition and exercise. I'm not sure what attracts me to the Dom/Sub relationship. That is something I need to explore in therapy. I know there are a lot of demons that I must face, but hopefully I can find the right person to help me. I've been receiving e-mails from a lot of people offering their assistance and it is very much appreciated. At this point, I just don't really know what the right course of action is, but I'm certain the road to recovery will reveal itself. I have faith!