03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Bait a Geek, Beta Style: The New Apple Store Takes a Bite Out of the Upper West Side

The fourth New York City Apple retail store is launching this weekend, this time on the UWS, raising the unavoidable question: has anyone actually gotten laid from the launch of an Apple store?

Well, this weekend I intend to find out.

I haven't been this excited since the Chocolate Show came to town - armed with my sample of chocolate-covered trail mix, perfect for my weekend hikes when I have major PMS.

And now, just in time for the holidays - a geek to call my very own - at least until Feb. 15, when I can safely trade up for a better model. Sure, I might be spinning my wheels, throwing on my good sweatpants for naught. At best, I could expect a crowd of almost-legals blowing their bar mitzvah money on a souped-up Mac mini. At worst, I could bump up against throngs of depraved loners, fogging up their own glasses with steamy glances toward their intended personal computer.

And then there's me, taking a bite from the forbidden Apple, knowing full well my PC is always going to have an unwieldy tower underneath it.

I mean, what do I really expect? Could this little experiment be as great a dating debacle as the iPhone launch of '07? Perhaps. Should I have known better than to wait overnight sans toiletries, rendering any attempt at romance as futile as trying to foment a little Jew-on-Jew action during Yom Kippur, when hygiene is as much an afterthought as climate change.

Sure, there'll be a windfall of techie windbags - but besides the possibility of finally finding that special someone willing to reformat my hard drive, could there really be a soul connection with one of these pocket-protected geeks?

But to behold that gleaming glass behemoth - with 1000-watt lights matching only that of the techies' 1000-watt smiles, both above and below the waist - it's hard not to be the least bit titillated. I've seen more grown men ogle at the Apple merch than they ever did at Victoria's Secret, which previously occupied the space. Out with the padded bras - and prices to match, and in with the padded Apple prices. In truth, this whole Apple circus surrounding the opening almost makes the million-dollar diamond-encrusted turbo bra seem downright dull by comparison. Something tells me even if Giselle did appear in her full Victoria's Secret regalia, the Apple store's core constituency wouldn't be the least bit distracted. (If this theory is indeed true, it doesn't bode well for my leaving the store without anything more than my free t-shirt this weekend.)

Even 24 hours in advance of the ribbon-cutting, the men are like huddling masses waiting unperturbed for entry into the Promised Land - the land of genius bars, tourists checking their email, and bored girlfriends who finally know what payback tastes like.

I guess I don't have it that bad. Just think about the rest of the well-heeled community who waited breathlessly for the unveiling; so many disappointed Upper West Siders whose hopes of a Babies 'R Us in the 'hood gone unrealized. Apple has become the biggest cultural event to hit the 'hood since Lincoln Center 2.0 - but without all that excess, you know, culture.

So even if the only bang I experience this weekend is the grand opening, I think I'll be OK with that. With just the right amount of pomp and circumstance that you'd expect from the opening of an electronics store - beautiful white doves, lavish parade, Steve Jobs waving his key to the city majestically from atop his float, Cristal flowing as freely as the WiFi - Apple sends a clear message to the world: this is how we do it on the Upper West Side!

Finally, a haven for the haves. Now if they can only get rid of the low-income housing down the next block, we can rule the world! Because at the end of the day, when the lights fade, and the techies' smiles retreat back into their pants, what's left is just a wall of glass - looking back at us, reflecting us and where we are today when the UWS finally takes a bite out of the big Apple.