Health Teachers' Hopes Flaccid Over Extinct Fruit

Slippery problems plague sex ed classes across the country, screwing high school health teachers yet again -- and not in a way they'd hoped for. The first time they got screwed, of course, was when they became high school health teachers.

Their once reliable, go-to fruit, the banana, was a high school health class staple in demonstrating proper condom use for the sexually-innocent, but curious. Now the banana crisis that's sweeping North America, which frustrated health teachers have come to call "ChiquitaGate," has completely foiled their classroom feng shui. Efforts to guide students, who could probably run circles around them in stamina and freaky shit alone, in proper condom use for maximum dulling of the senses, are severely hampered. One particularly creepy Ohio teacher, who dubs himself the "banana smoothie," is beyond consolation, and has since taken to wearing the Chiquita banana lady's headdress as a gratuitous, yet surprisingly comforting, coping mechanism.

The crisis first emerged days ago, when the Latin American supply became too contaminated for regular American banana use -- but skin the outside and it's perfectly fine for Latin Americans -- and the devastating fallout has trickled down all the way to a shy 10th grader at New York's PS 169 who asked her health teacher in earnest to teach her the right way to "unfurl this sucker."

In the meantime, studies show that teenage sex has reached an all-time low, the median SAT score has been climbing, and more meaningful family time is on the rise.

Parents have never been happier. But conversely, woeful health teachers have been licking their wounds in lieu of their regular fiber-filled favorite, for days.

One thing everyone can agree on: embracing a fruitful -- and safe! -- sex life in 2011.