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The White House Passover Seder: Massive Conspiracy Against the Jews

05/27/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The implicit message ricocheted around the Jewish world. There's shpilkis in my genechtagazoink - and I'm just hoping I can hold out until the health care bill kicks in. Insiders are buzzing that the White House seder has got everything this year - except the Jews.

With an abbreviated guest list this year - official word is they want to keep it "humble" - the president leaves me no choice but to pull a Semitic Salahi and crash the White House Passover seder - with the tacit help from the WH social secretary, of course. (We Jews just consider that an inflated term for boils.)

Now Jews never exactly had the easiest relationship with lists - but when it comes to being snubbed at an elite Washington function, it's game on! (It's said that even embattled stalwart Joe "I'm finally liberated from the shackles of my former party - and 'freedom' tastes an awful lot like chicken" Lieberman is on a wait list).

But Obama is hell-bent on playing hardball with his Jewish base, and risking alienating American Jews - his 'little electoral plague,' as he affectionately dubs us. The same confused lot that would be all too happy to throw itself in protest in front of any East Jerusalem home whose owner defiantly tries to install a new shower head in his bathroom. And this is the thanks we get?!

Clearly, I'm not above sinking low - the Salahis are mere amateurs - they have nothing on Jewish chutzpah! A paltry 20 self-selecting Jews are invited to this seder? Surely the president can find more than 20 Jews with historical amnesia who will validate his views on Israeli construction. When they told me I didn't make the final cut this year, I almost had a nuclear reaction - and I was this close to being rewarded for it, if only I were wearing my Members Only jacket. My people saved Obama during the election - and now he won't even save our Passover?!

But mama needs a Passover miracle seder night. Sure, I might brazenly go where no uninvited Jew has gone before in a non-election year: past the White House gate and safely rubbing [covered] elbows with the Jewish haves, a miracle matched by only that of the Red Sea. But I figure Secret Service can't possibly be as vigilant as those testy Egyptians. This seder night, I'll get my answer.

I figure if by the end of the evening, some sloppy aide isn't hanging all over me, and I don't feel the ignominy of being called "Hummus Tits" right to my rack, then the night is by no means a success. And in times like these, hearing the president's final words of peace might really provide the right measure of solace: End the standoff - if not between the Satmar bros., then at least between Simon and Garfunkel.

But maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe this whole 'misunderstanding' wasn't really a conspiracy against the Jews. I mean, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, based on the invitation that was made public:

Kindly join us for the holiday of deliverance (thanks to your tribesman Lieberman finally checking his conscience and passing this fakakta healthcare bill already). Help us celebrate this blowout with fellow pansies who'll capitulate to any unreasonable demand on Israel. We vow to get rid of every last crumb in advance of the holiday, although we should tell you that David Axelrod will be present.

Sample menu:
Matzah and pork poppers: White House secret recipe - "They'll explode in your mouth!"

Music by:
Wagner

Invocation by:
Ahmadinejad

Entertainment by:
Walt and Mearsheimer

Please join us - it's going to be an, um, blast.

See, nothing suspicious there.

And this statement from the WH press secretary should allay all our unfounded fears:
Phar-O and the first lady regret they're forced to downsize the guest list for their Jewish friends this year, but not to worry - we will in no way downsize the strong-arming with our good friend Israel in the year to come.

Whew!

Next year in (East!) Jerusalem!