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Dorian de Wind

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President Cain Gets the 3 A.M. Phone Call

Posted: 11/16/11 09:13 AM ET

It's February 13, 2013. It is 3 A.M.

The phone rings in the President's bedroom -- it has an urgent sound.

Finally the President picks up the phone.

The voice of his National Security Adviser, John Bolton: "Mr. President, we have a serious situation developing in Asia."

The President: "Asia? Which Asia? Can't you be more specific than that ..."

Bolton: "In China, Mr. President."

The President: "So, why call me at three in the morning. Didn't I tell you, China does not have a nuclear capability..."

Bolton: "Well, Mr. President, China is threatening Tajikistan over ..."

The President [Interrupting]: "Holy pizzas! I knew Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan would become a problem for me."

Bolton: "No, not Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan, Ta-jiki-jiki-jiki-stan..."

There is a pregnant two-minute pause, during which the First Lady wakes up.

The First Lady: "Herman, is that the Bialek woman again?"

The President: "Uh, nope, my Princess. It's not Bialekistan, it's Ta-jiki-jiki-jiki-stan..."

The First Lady: "Well, tell Jiki to go 9-9-9 herself"

Bolton: "I don't think that would be advisable, Mr. President, Russia is taking Tajikistan's side and things could get nasty ..."

The President [Interrupting]: "Hold on, Bolton, I got more important things to deal with here ... Listen, honey, I thought we had reached an understanding, you help me with the whitewash and I get you the White House..."

The President [to Bolton]: " OK, Bolton, now tell me, specifically what are you asking me, which 'stan' are we talking about?"

First Lady: "Oh, it's a 'Stan' now. Will this nightmare never end?"

Bolton [Interrupting]: "Mr. President, I suggest we nuke Tajikistan into oblivion, problem solved."

The President: "Nein! Nein! Nein! Can't we just build an electrified fence along the border with warning signs in Tajikic and Arabic -- What would Libya say about it?"

Bolton [sounding flustered]: "Damn it, Mr. President. I have told you a million times what and where Libya is -- it is thousands of miles away from Tajikistan..."

First Lady: "Herman, I have told you to stay away from Lidya..."

The President: "No, darling it is Libya, not Lidya...and, Bolton, listen here: President Cain will first make sure that he's making the right decision based upon all of the information ... If it's an act of war, and the evidence suggests that, then President Cain is going to consult with his advisers and say, 'What are our options,' and then President Cain is going to get a new National Security Adviser and consult with him -- or her-- and then ..."

First Lady: "The hell you are getting a woman National Security Adviser -- over my dead body!"

The President: "Well, I'll get some advice on that, too, and then I'll decide on the latter. For now I am going back to sleep, see if I can get all this stuff twirling around in my head to untwirl. Give Pizza a chance!"