The ascension of Alvin Greene, a jobless man plucked out of obscurity and inexplicably hoisted as South Carolina's Democratic nominee for the U.S. Senate, continues to shock reporters and befuddle political pundits nationwide. Some people might balk at his dearth of credentials, lack of any political experience, his dishonorable discharge from the military, or simply his inability to string together a complete sentence. These people should shut up.
The opposition to Alvin Greene is endemic of an age-old discrimination rampant in America: jobism. Jobism is the unsubstantiated favor in a person's character based simply on the fact that he or she has a job. According to jobists, employed people somehow add value to society, and maintain a coherent, proper view of the world, arrogantly called a "work ethic." Some extremists even assert that people with jobs form the foundation of our civilization. Jobism--the belief that people who arrive at their office on time, and proceed to work steadily for fifty hours a week, are somehow more responsible than those who do not--is both myopic and repugnant. Unfortunately, these jobists fail to understand that we are still finishing our novel and need some space because are quitting smoking again. It is stereotypes like these that have pervaded American culture since its inception. It is stereotypes like these that have kept men like Alvin Greene out of the Senate...until now.
Let us not question how Alvin won the primary with no campaigning whatsoever, nor how he afforded the ten-thousand dollar ballot registration fee, nor how he manages a fully functional website despite not owning a computer. These are trifling barbs of jobist logic, which only distract us from the essential point: Alvin Greene will save America.
Democrat or Republican, one cannot deny that Alvin Greene represents a growing cross-section of America in the doldrums of a recession: the unemployed. For centuries, America's history books have been written by the employed because they held the power, and also because they held history book writing jobs. The election of Alvin Greene as South Carolina's senator will finally buck that trend and give a voice to those silent Americans who hit the snooze button nine times on a weekday.
As a freelance writer, I continuously find myself straddling the limbo between employment and unemployment, and am thus unhindered by the stifling jobist worldview. I cannot help but await Greene's election to the hallowed halls of our Senate with giddy anticipation. At last, we will have a government advocating for the unemployed with its first unemployed member. Here are some laws Greene must propose in order to advance the unemployed agenda:
-Class up Daytime TV: Hackneyed soap operas, infomercials, and Spanish game shows are society's punishment for the unemployed. Why should I have to wait for you to come home from work before I can watch good TV? This selfish jobist notion must be eliminated.
-New Name: The term 'unemployed' is a negatively charged jobist label. The passage of the New Name Act will reclassify those who are unemployed as 'Fun Dudes Who Can Hang Whenever.' Example: "Following the bankruptcy of General Motors, the number of Fun Dudes Who Can Hang Whenever skyrocketed."
-Clean up the Oil Spill: Unemployed people care about this too.
-Party Etiquette: Too often, party small talk is reduced to "what do you do?" When one provides an unsatisfactory response such as "I'm unemployed" or "I write humor articles for the Internet," the conversation screeches to a halt. The Party Etiquette bill would require anyone hearing the words "I'm unemployed" to put his/her hand on your shoulder, look you in the eye, and utter the following statement: "You are a valuable person. I appreciate what you do for this community and our country. I cannot wait to read your novel."
-Science Appropriations: The Senate will fund scientists to develop highly functional, lifelike girlfriends, which can be accessed via Xbox Live.
The election of Fun Dude Who Can Hang Whenever, Alvin Greene, to the Senate will usher in a new era for America. Winning a Senate seat, however, without commercials, fundraisers, or working air conditioning will be tough. If Greene can rally the rest of America's unemployed, he's a shoe-in, so long as South Carolina keeps the polls open past 2pm and near a Blockbuster.