05/25/2011 12:06 pm ET | Updated Jul 25, 2011

Doug's Dozen: A Boy Named Dominique

I simply have to travel to France. That's all. When I'm in an American hotel, and I say, "I don't want a turn-down," all they do is skip the mint on my pillow.

But when Dominique Strauss-Kahn says that, he means he doesn't want to be turned down. And apparently, that's all you need in a French hotel to get Magic Fingers (and Other Body Parts) without resorting to a machine.

This guy was head of the International Monetary Fund -- which I think means he's literally got all the money in the world. And everyone said he was going to be the next President of France.

Given all the French outrage over his arrest, I think he still might... it'll be their way of paying us back for the insult of "Freedom Fries."

Apparently, DSK (rhymes with JFK? gimme a break!) has made unwanted advances on scads of women, both American and abroad. Not that an American woman can't be a broad.

In 2003, DSK felt up a French journalist who was trying to interview him. She called it attempted rape. Then again, that's how a lot of politicians treat an interview, so maybe he figured it was all even.

But I always thought the French were so sophisticated! I figured a rich, powerful banker/politician like DSK had a wife, a mistress, an assistant mistress, an intern mistress, and a few dozen prosties on retainer.

So why does he need to come on to the hotel maid the second he gets out of the shower?

I think there's something more basic driving this guy... and if Johnny Cash were alive today, and French, and a really bad singer, he might have put it like this...

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