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Doug's Dozen: 12 More Things Rand Paul Thinks Are a Disservice to Us

12/09/2013 12:21 pm ET | Updated Feb 08, 2014

Now, that's what I call a brave guy...he's not afraid of people calling him a pampered politician, a deluded Scrooge or a rich, heartless a-hole. No sir, he'll risk that, because he wants to help us! He's like one of those character-building dads in literature. Like Pap Finn.

Nor does Paul's paternal concern for us stop at unemployment benefits.

In fact, here is...

Doug's Dozen: 12 More Things Rand Paul Thinks Are a Disservice To Us

1. 40-hour work week: "Days off" encourage people to loll around with their families.

2. Public health programs: Punish taxpayers who have a natural immunity to polio.

3. Social Security: Discourages the pioneer virtue of working until you keel over.

4. Food stamps: Nothing combats childhood obesity like starvation.

5. Workplace safety rules: Hurt prosthetic limb manufacturers.

6. Peace talks: See above.

7. Public lifeguards: Pull a man from the surf, save him for a day; for a lifetime of safety, let him join a country club.

8. Student loans: Turn your kids into know-it-alls.

9. Taxes on billionaires: Where will our next generation of power-drunk aristocrats come from?

10. The Post Office: Every Christmas card you send for 46 cents cheats FedEx out of ten bucks.

11. Ending the filibuster: Threatens our central principle, that the minority rules.

12. Affordable health care: Causes you to see a doctor for every little fainting spell or rectal bleed.

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Read's Doug's comic novel, Memoirs of a Time Traveler,