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Doug's Dozen: 12 Shortest Lines at Putin's Theme Park

06/18/2015 09:50 am ET | Updated Jun 17, 2016

News item: Vladimir Putin has cut the ribbon to open Patriot Park, a Russian-military theme park outside Moscow. It should be at least as popular as Disneyland, since historically Russians are used to standing in long lines. But if you visit, let me be your guide, with...

Doug's Dozen: 12 Shortest Lines at Putin's Theme Park

1. Red Square, USSR - Soviet-era nostalgia with never-ending missile parade.

2. Nervous Moments With Comrade Stalin - maybe you will be purged next?

3. Soaring Right Over American Jets - experience thrill of supersonic near-misses!

4. ChechnyaLand Shootin' Gallery - see how Russian West was won...sort of.

5. Rocket Almost to Moon - salute to very brave try!

6. Chernobyl's Trip Inside the Atom Plant - decontaminate afterward standing where bobsleds splash down.

7. Haunted Dacha - get good scare, see what happened to Putin's anti-war opponents!

8. Snowden in Wonderland - trip through looking glass, where you protect Americans' secrets by giving them to Putin.

9. Pyotr Pan's Flight - Warning: there is NO fairy on this ride. Nor are they tolerated anywhere else in Russia!

10. Carousel of Decline - glimpse into future as dwindling population and shrinking economy produce fewer but better Russians!

11. It's a Too-Small Country - puppets from Ukraine, Georgia, Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania sing song of welcome to their returning Russian overlords!

12. Reincarnation Café - end your day with cocktail, or end it all if you are brave enough to try Putin's Poloñium Colada - get your glow on!

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See more Doug's Dozen lists and Doug's comic novel at www.dougsdozen.com