THE BLOG
03/07/2013 05:58 pm ET | Updated May 07, 2013

The Best Ever Sequester Letter!

People on the Internet keep posting a letter from a boss who sent his employees a chatty message (albeit misspelled, weirdly formatted, crumpled, and stuck to a fridge with a magnet) saying that unfortunately, because of those staggering tax increases by Obama, and the dismal economy, he needs to fire a bunch of people... and since there were 60 cars in the parking lot with Obama bumper stickers, he figured he'd give them the change they asked for.

I know, I know! And it's every bit as true as it is funny!.

But I never had anything nearly as clever to post in reply. Damn my stupid, unimaginative boss for not being able to find the laughter in layoffs or punishing people for voting!

However, recently I came across this letter, also stuck to my refrigerator with a magnet, which seems to suggest that what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Oh, wait, no. That's a recipe. Wrong side of the refrigerator.

Ah! Here's the letter I was looking for:

THE BEST EVER SEQUESTER LETTER!

No wonder this guy is the president, he is sharp! You can't be any fairer than this guy...

Dear Americans:

As the president of this nation, I have resigned myself to the fact the Republican Party minority controls Congress by gerrymandering and filibustering, and wants Sequester cuts to happen in a BIG way. To avoid this, Congress could simply repeal the Sequester. Or tax corporations fairly.

But, since we cannot do this right now due to the dismal state of Republican lawmakers, we will have to make huge cuts to education, infrastructure, science, defense contracts, airport safety, local government and national parks instead. This has been really bothering me since I believe America is a family here and I didn't know how to choose what programs would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I read through our Congressional Record and found 240 'GOP' congressmen who voted against the American Jobs Act, the Veterans Jobs Act, the millionaire surtax, raising the debt ceiling, and avoiding the fiscal cliff, and have decided these folks are the ones whose districts' programs will go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for no federal spending... So I gave it to them.

When every school, police station, firehouse, hospital, park, government contractor, airport and bridge in their district has to close, I hope their grateful constituents will come see them at their next campaign picnic."

___________________________

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