Well, Excuuuuuuuse MEL! (VIDEO)

07/15/2010 11:11 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In the aftermath of Knight and Day, Hollywood types have been wondering how to resuscitate Tom Cruise's career. Simple, I say. Have him portray a dark, twisted character, not at all heroic, but monstrous and frightening.

In other words, play the lead in The Mel Gibson Story.

We would have to wait a couple months for Lindsay Lohan to play Oksana, but it'd be worth it.

And if Mel isn't up to directing, I understand Roman Polanski is now available.

For those who found Mel's threatening tapes inexcusable, I would answer there were at least a dozen good excuses, if he'd thought to call me for advice.

Meanwhile, Mel's old movies might need a bit of retitling before they can be re-released:

Manic-Depressive Max
Three Years of Living Dangerously
Lethal Weddin'
Forever Drunk
Bird Wore a Wire
The Man Without an Agent
Bashin' of the Christ-killers
Edge of Dorkiness