Hillary's Going To Die Of Ebola, In The Middle Of Her Acceptance Speech. So What.

09/14/2016 03:48 pm ET | Updated Sep 15, 2016
Brian Snyder / Reuters

Call me sane, but I happen to believe that Hillary's suffering from pneumonia. She's probably a bit dehydrated, sure; she could do with a glass or two of nice mineral water. Still, let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the alt-pundits are correct. After all, they're reputable conspiracy theorists -- well-intentioned ghouls -- so let's entertain their credible hypothesis.

We'll accept that Hillary suffers from a hybrid of bubonic plague and ebola, augmented by a virulent case of tertiary in-grown rabies and a genetic predisposition towards spontaneous, instantly fatal leprosy. Okay? We'll note that she's going to expire, in a magnificent, Traviata-like manner, right in the middle of her acceptance speech, with green blood dripping from every pore and her head imploding like an egg at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

Got that scenario fully imagined? Excellent. See, here's the thing: the republic would still be just fine. It would survive and flourish.

The Constitution is fully tricked out to deal with this situation. The mechanism has been tested: eight times, to be precise, beginning with William Henry Harrison, who died in 1881 after only a month in office. (Yes, Harrison died of pneumonia -- which should make every credulous cretin weak with superstitious horror -- but there's no indication that he was unduly thirsty, so it's not really analogous to the Hillary business.) On each occasion, the vice president stepped up to the plate, and the country waltzed on.

Hence, after Hillary dies loudly from her comorbid state, we'll deal. Tim Kaine -- then vice-president, I remind you -- will become full-on president when Hillary sucks the pipe, tragically, from a bouquet of exotic diseases rarely encountered on the same continent, much less in the body of a single high-functioning politician.

Kaine doesn't appear unduly diseased. He gets the occasional cold, I'm sure, but nothing fatal and incurable, like dehydration. You probably don't agree with every single one of his policy positions, but last I heard he hadn't embraced mass deportation, or mothballing the Geneva Conventions, or sacrificing our allies in Europe to a serial-killing graduate of the KGB. (He doesn't seem to even like Putin, weirdly enough.) Tim may be white, but he just doesn't set white supremacists a-drool -- he's criminally insensitive to their concerns.

You don't have to dig him at all, really, if you're the kind of person who is inclined to hate Hillary for no reason. (Hey, we all sometimes channel the mercifully decomposing Andrew Breitbart.) That's just fine. What matters is that Tim Kaine is a competent guy; he'd take the wheel and steer us through the crisis, without breaking a sweat.

Compare and contrast with Donald Trump. The greater of one evil. This cartoon of a primate, bankruptcy personified, has gleefully demonstrated his desire -- his intention -- to set the ship of state on autopilot: a cold-seeking missile aimed squarely at the nearest convenient iceberg. (Trump knows what makes for great reality TV. The film, remember, was huge. "I'm the king of the world!" That's about right.)

In short, it's the subtle difference between just fine, and neck-deep in sewage with a fork up your rectum.

Vote for the corpse.