It's possible for an entire culture to develop shared forms of mental disturbance. As socially shared pathologies increase, they can be difficult to recognize; they become the norm. Such is the case today, and a prime example is what I call our national Empathy Deficit Disorder, or EDD.
I made the name up, so don't go looking for it in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Actually, I'm hesitant to suggest a new disorder, given that our mental health professions increasingly define normal variations of mood and temperament as new "disorders" (for which Big Pharma is ready to supply "treatments"). But this one's real. It's become pervasive throughout our increasingly polarized social and political culture of the past several years.
EDD has profound consequences for the mental health of individuals and society. Yet it's ignored as a psychological disturbance by most of my colleagues in the mental health professions, largely because it's become the norm throughout our emotional attitudes, public policies and behavior.
First, some explanation of what I mean by EDD: It's reflected in being unable to step outside yourself and tune in to what other people experience, especially those who feel, think and believe differently from yourself. EDD is a source of personal conflicts, of communication breakdown in intimate relationships, and of adversarial attitudes - including hatred - towards groups of people who differ in their beliefs, traditions, values or ways of life from your own.
Take the man who told me that his wife always complained that he didn't spend enough time with their children; that she had most of the burden despite having a career of her own. "Yeah, I see her point," he said in a neutral voice, "but I need time for my sports activities on the weekends. I'm not going to give that up. And at night I'm tired, I want to veg out." As we talked further, it became clear to me that he simply didn't experience what his wife's world was like for her, on the inside. His own reality -- specifically, his own needs -- were his only reality.
Or the computer executive who prided himself on having a stable family life, then casually told me that, even though he recognized the environmental threats posed by worldwide climate change, he couldn't care less. "I'll be long gone when New York is under water," he said. And when I asked him whether he cared about the consequences for his kids or grandkids, he replied with a grin: "Hey, that's their problem!"
Then there's the woman who works in the financial industry, who told me she's indifferent to how American Muslims might feel in today's environment, or to being profiled when boarding airplanes: "I think they're all terrorists," she said, "and would like to kill us all, anyway."
These may sound like extreme examples, but I hear variations of those themes all the time in the people I work with -- whether in my psychotherapy practice or my business consulting. You can see examples yourself in the statements of politicians or pundits on talk shows.
EDD reflects being locked inside a self-centered world, a breeding ground for emotional isolation, disconnection and polarization. That's highly dangerous in today's interconnected, globalized world, and it plays out in ways both small and large:
For example, in troubled intimate relationships, when partners become locked into adversarial and oppositional positions. It's visible in warfare between groups with different beliefs. And in the current polarization over political and social issues, including questioning people's "patriotism" when their views threaten one's own; and in opposition to policies that might require some personal sacrifice for the common good.
EDD is also visible in current global threats -- Tribal and religious groups killing each other. Palestinians and Israelis locked into an endless death-grip. Man-made climate disasters, and the continued, greed-fueled depletion of the resources and health of the only planet we have.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
To clarify, empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy reflects understanding another person's situation - but viewed through your own lens. That is, it's based on your version of what the other person is dealing with. ("Yeah, I can sympathize with your problem with your elderly mother, because I have my own problems with mine ..."). A narcissist can be sympathetic in this way.
Such a self-centered focus is similar to what some people think love is when they're really enthralled with their own feeling of being "in love," rather than loving the reality of who their partner is, as I wrote about in a previous post.
In contrast, empathy is what you feel only when you can step outside of yourself and enter the internal world of the other person. There -- but without abandoning or losing your own perspective -- you can experience the other's emotions, conflicts, or aspirations from within the vantage point of that person's world. That's not telepathy. Research shows that it's a hard-wired capacity in all of us. And that kind of connection builds healthy, mutual relationships -- an essential part of mental health.
How Do You Develop EDD?
Most people are socially conditioned into believing that acquiring and achieving things are "normal" -- even "healthy" -- ways to live. EDD grows when people focus too much on acquiring power, status, and money for themselves, usually with the reinforcement of the larger culture. Nearly every day we hear or read about more extreme examples of the consequences: People who go over the edge in their pursuit of money, power or recognition, and end up resigning their jobs, in rehab or behind bars.
But there are many, less extreme, examples. People who struggle with the impact of too much emphasis on acquiring, both things and people, and have equated that with mental health, success and maturity. In reality, that mentality promotes increasing vanity and self-importance. Then, you become increasingly alienated from your own heart. You equate what you have with who you are.
And that's a killer for empathy, because you're now ripe for the delusion that you're completely independent and self-sufficient. You lose touch with the true reality, that all humans are interconnected and interdependent - all organs of the same body, so to speak. Your sense of being a part of a larger interwoven network - which is absolutely necessary for survival in today's world - fades away. So does your awareness that we have to sink or swim together, help each other, and sustain the planet we inhabit - or else we're all in deep trouble.
The net result of this social conditioning is the decline of empathy and a failure to recognize that we're all one, bound together. You only see yourself. And I think that's a bona fide emotional disorder in our times -- in effect, a "social psychosis."
Sometimes, a person's sudden awakening of interconnection jump-starts their empathy. Then, people automatically respond from the heart. For example, look at the response of citizens to the massive earthquake in Haiti, or to Hurricane Katrina. Or what I witnessed recently when some passers-by stopped to help the victims of an auto accident.
When empathy is aroused, you let go of your usual self-interest. You want to help; connect in some way. I often suggest to people to think of this, as an example: When you cut your finger, you don't say, "That's my finger's problem, not mine." Nor do you do a cost-benefit policy analysis before deciding whether to take action. You respond immediately because you feel the pain. It's part of you.
Practices That Build Empathy
Research shows that the capacity to feel what another person feels is "hard-wired" through what are called "mirror neurons." Regions of the brain involving both emotions and physical sensations light up in someone who observes or becomes aware of another person's pain or distress. Literally, you do feel another's pain or other emotions. Similar research shows that generosity and altruistic behavior light up pleasure centers of the brain usually associated with food or sex.
Research also shows that your brain is capable of being trained and physically modified through conscious practices, known as neuroplasticity. You can "grow" specific emotions and create new brain patterns that reinforce them. As you redirect and refocus your thoughts, feelings, and behavior in the direction you desire, the brain regions associated with them are reinforced. The result is a self-reinforcing loop between your conscious attitudes, your emotions, behavior and your brain activity. This may sound like science fiction, yet such studies show that you can learn to "reprogram" your brain. In effect, what you think and feel is what you become.
Jeremy Rifkin's recent book, The Empathic Civilization, provides a strong argument for an emerging empathic civilization in human consciousness. He presents evidence that counters the usual assumption that self-interest and greed are dominant forces among humans. In light of all the new research and evidence, here are a few practices you can do to help overcome your EDD in everyday life:
Empathy For Someone You Dislike:
It's especially challenging to generate empathy towards someone you flat-out dislike -- maybe even hate. Or, with whom you've had big-time conflicts: perhaps an ex-spouse, or someone at work. But you can try this:
You can expand your capacity for empathy by practicing it towards people you don't even know:
Empathy Fuels Greater Mental Health
By developing empathy you deepen your understanding and acceptance of how and why people do what they do, and build greater respect for others. From empathy, tolerance grows, and tolerance of differences is an essential part of psychological health. This doesn't mean whitewashing differences you have with other people, or letting others walk over you. Rather, empathy gives you a stronger, wiser base for resolving conflicts when you have them. You're able to bridge differences more effectively and with less destructiveness.
Empathy heightens awareness of commonality and connection with fellow humans -- people who suffer and struggle with life in many of the same ways you do. It trumps self-centered, knee-jerk reactions to surface differences like religion, race, or ideology. That's a path towards a healthy life and a healthy society.
Follow Douglas LaBier on Twitter: www.twitter.com/douglaslabier
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Many ecopsychologists are now trying to understand the dysfunctional psychological processes that underlie humanity's suicidal/homicidal behavior towards the rest of nature, and the concept of EDD can be a useful tool in this endeavor. For those interested, you may want to consult "Ecopsychology" journal at www.liebertpub.com/eco
If I were in a high-risk group for people who hijack or blow up airplanes--let's say it's middle-aged white guys like me--I wouldn't complain about being searched at all. I'm not carrying contraband, the flight will still leave on time, what do I care if they search my bags and pat me down? I don't. It's not a problem. I wouldn't cry about being racially profiled or whine about my "rights" being violated because it would be obvious to me that it's only basic common sense to give me a second look.
Where is the American Muslim empathy for my position? As it turns out, I'm not in the high-risk group but they are. They also want to ride on a safe plane--if we failed to search the one who was carrying a bomb because we were afraid of hurting someone's feelings, would others feel somehow vindicated about not being profiled as the plane exploded and they fell to their deaths? I doubt it. Would they suddenly be willing to trade an extra search for a plane that hadn't exploded? I'm sure the answer is yes.
Profiling in this instance increases the odds of find that guy with a bomb if he's there. Isn't that the only important thing about the search procedure in the end? Or are someone's hurt feelings worth missing the bomb for, as some people seem to believe?
I reserve my empathy for public figures like Lindsay Lohan, who is getting a raw deal from ignorant busybodies who want to put her in jail for missing some appointments after getting busted while DUI with a little blow. I mean, who hasn't had that happen in Los Angeles? It's part of their culture, man. I have missed a few appointments -- a few -- in my life and have been guilty of other crimes against humanity. I can feel for Lindsay.
Let's detain unpaths and give them ECT to shock them into pretending to care about whiny Third World people who should have been born in Marin County since they all believe in reincarnation and could easily do that if they had enough bootstrappy initiative.
Empathy is a variable state that depends on circumstances, context and other factors that are not quite as predictable as Los Angeles weather. Inventing some kind of psychological disorder to put us unpaths in the sickness slot is just an excuse for doing nothing about the basic human condition of industrial slavery. My advice to you is to go out and do good works. Make people laugh. Make people cry. But please stop frowning at us.
with the phrase, "those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it", yes?
I have some recollection of a rather large group of people, without empathy, who caused
a great deal of trouble a long while ago. I think you know who I'm talking about...they were
from GERMANY.
Albert Ellis didn't call for Empathy, but he did call for TOLERANCE. Is that within your
capabilities? I hope more people learn to apply it...because it seems to be in very short
supply these days.
Not placing any judgments here.... just more thoughts.
Such a huge topic...so many thoughts. Hope that's not too disjointed.
Yet some might have characterized what she was doing on the elementary school playground as "revenge". And frankly I don't think she agonized over why the bully was hitting the girls, she simply put a stop to it.
And yes, it is a thin and touchy line between being seen as the defender and being seen as revengeful. It sounds like your daughter had a great sense of right instilled in her by great parenting. The input from the other kids and the teachers appears to clarify that. I know you are very proud of her as she continues to fight the good fight on behalf of others. I wish I had the opportunity to work with a building full of children like your daughter, and parents like you.
Empathy is one of those higher order thinking processes/deeper emotional understandings that we, as adults, use to see through the dust as it settles around a tough situation. Children, who are more immediate in their understanding of a situation, learn to view others and their actions through the lens of empathy when taught by good role models.