Dude or Dud? The Deadbeat Boyfriend Test
Recently I've been noticing a spate of breakups amongst my female friends.
Just last week I was having dinner with Katie on her birthday. She was coming off a 6-year relationship with her boyfriend Dustin. Katie's 30; he was 41.
The breakup was still stinging three months after the fact. But if a guy's 41 and still doesn't marry you after 6 years, he's clearly the wrong guy for the job -- fire him so you can make room for the right one.
But this argument did not wash with Katie. She still thought she wanted him.
Well, I was never really convinced about this Dustin guy anyway. Y'know why? Because Katie's a pretty social person, but not once did I see him accompanying her to a function.
So where the hell is he if not by her side? Only a fool would let a woman like Katie roam alone.
But I digress. The point is that I needed to impress upon Katie that this breakup was a Good Thing.
So I asked her, "On a scale of 1-10, how often did he give you backrubs and how good were they?"
She thought about it for a sec, and said '4'. He didn't really do much of that at all. The 4 was probably pretty generous.
"And how often did he cook for you?" That got a 3.
"And how good was the sex -- quality and frequency?" To his credit, that was an 8.
"And how often did he say 'I love you' or genuinely appreciate you?" That was a 5.
"So what you're telling me, Katie, is that out of a possible 40 points this guy scores a measly 20 -- and you still want him because...?"
That got her thinking.
And thus was born the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, aka the Dude-O-Meter.
As you may know, I wrote The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible partially out of the frustration of seeing so many of my fabulous female friends who were dating lame duds, not great dudes.
I just get sick and tired of that -- and it's still happening all around me. Heck, it could even be you or a friend of yours that it's happening to.
So here are some signs that you're in a relationship with a dud:
1. You often find yourself making excuses for his behavior, either to others or to yourself:
"Oh, but he's really busy at work."
"Boys will be boys."
You know what I'm talking about?
2. You are doing most of the calling, initiating of contact and making of plans. Almost all of it. He'll do stuff with you if you prompt him, but otherwise it's on you.
Love is action -- especially for a guy. What kind of action is he taking to seek you out and demonstrate that he values you?
3. He's not with you when you're out at various social events, and many of your friends haven't met him.
4. Most (or all) of your friends quietly or vociferously disapprove of him, and you're often saying things like, "But you don't know him like I know him."
Your friends care for you and see things more clearly than you do, so listen to them.
5. He has said something mean-spirited and nasty to you at any point in time.
You may think that this is okay if it's happened rarely. But you have to understand that in good relationships, this never happens. Not once in 5 decades. That's the standard of comparison.
6. He has ever raised his voice with you.
Again, there's no place for this in a trusting, loving, supportive relationship.
7. He has ever hit you.
I'd like to make it clear that if items 5-7 have happened EVEN ONCE -- and I really do mean even just once -- you have a duty to yourself, to your friends, to your family and to the world to get out of this relationship, like, now. Immediately. Pronto. No delay, no time to deliberate about it. This is an emergency. If you're having a hard time doing it, get some help.
Items 1-4 are pretty clear warning signs that you are wasting your life on this guy.
The problem isn't that the guy you're with is necessarily an ogre but that there's so much left to be desired. It's like you've been eating at Subway every day and thinking, "Well, this is alright -- what do I have to complain about?"
The problem is that 'alright' is simply not good enough (cue Sarah MacLachlan song). I want you to go for amazing. For the kind of guy who sees the goddess in you every day and is a catalyst for your becoming the best version of yourself.
(Of course, ideally, you're doing the same for him -- right? You lead with love and offer it first. We're assuming that you've read my book and gotten your own house in order first).
So the point is this:
Since most women are 'nice,' they're not very assertive when it comes to asking for what they want, even when they're not fulfilled. So they'll stay in a relationship so long as there's not something grossly wrong with it.
They also have a scarcity mindset, thinking, "I know he's a lout, but if I let him go, then I'm all alone -- aiiieeeeeee..." Well, call me crazy, but I just like to think that among the 3.2 billion (BILLION!) dudes out there, you can do one better. And if you're better off alone, that's what you should be instead of being with him.
Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to shake her up and realize they're wasting their time (which is the stuff life is made of, incidentally). Sometimes it takes a caring friend determined to wake her up. Sometimes it takes a random guy reaching out of the ether of the internet with a wake-up call in the shape of an email.
If this article resonates with you, I wish you courage in taking decisive action.
And just for kicks, why don't you apply the Deadbeat Boyfriend Test to your current squeeze and see how he does.
Oh, and if you have a friend with a questionable boyfriend, you definitely want to do it for her. It may not be entirely scientific, but there's a more than a grain of truth in it.
I mean, if he's getting a low score, why isn't he cooking for you and giving you backrubs? Why is he miserable in the sack? Whether it's because you're not doing your homework, either, or that he's not that kind of guy, there's a lesson worth learning here.
So here are the 4 questions of the quick-and-dirty Deadbeat Boyfriend Test, scored on a scale of 0-10, ten being the highest rating:
1. How often does he give you backrubs? Rate on frequency and quality.
Backrub is a general idea of liking to serve you and make you feel great.
2. How often does he cook for you? Rate on frequency and quality.
Taking you out to dinner is an acceptable substitute -- he can get a maximum score of 7 on that.
3. How satisfied are you with the sex?
4. How often does he tell you he loves you or otherwise lavish you with praise?
Until we have more scientific guidelines, here's what I suggest:
Score of 34-40: A keeper! Good job. Now make him feel like the man he's always wanted to be, and he'll never leave you.
Score of 29-33: This guy has potential but needs some brushing up. Maybe he's gotten too caught up in work, or just needs some encouragement from you. Give him some hints and see if he rises to the occasion.
Score of 25-28: Borderline. Neglect has already become a habit here, and unless he really steps up and starts making you a priority in his life, not an option, you need to dump his ass in about a week.
Score less than 25: Dump him. This is not a decision that needs to be delayed or regretted. Why? Because you deserve better, that's why. It's not about him -- it's about you. And my job is to make sure you're happy and fulfilled.
So ladies -- be honest with yourself when you take the test. And if you have a friend who needs to take the test, be sure to share it with them. It could be the beginning of a very important conversation.
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email: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
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I think the editors of HP and certainly the readers of this article should read this page in Wikipedia: http://en.
Why is there no measurement of finances? There's a lot of dud (re: deadbeat) boyfriends, who never reciprocate with presents, never pay for dinner, never contribute to shared experiences like outings, etc just because he doesn't yell, doesn't mean he's worth dragging around town and covering like your son or gigolo.
Ok, this list also assumes a perfect woman.
My mother used to secretly get credit cards behind my father's back and rack up thousand's of dollars in debt, most if it because she used cash advances on the credit card to pay the minimum. My father was completely justified when using #5 and #6 when he found out about them.
Ladies (and men) should take a good hard look in the mirror before judging their partner, because good relationships with others are only possible when you have a good relationship with yourself. And a good relationship with yourself means honesty. Give yourself recognition for your good and bad traits and learn to forgive.
I don't think it's appropriate for everybody to use the same standards. But if you are truly incompatible and having problems with such basic issues with a guy you are dating, Please - don't marry him and have his children!
I wonder how many silly internet quizzes have caused needless fights and breakups between otherwise loving couples just learning to go through tough times? Didn't get a passing score, show him the door.
Except for #7, haven't we suffered enough from "The Rules"?
I agree with a lot of the comments here. This list seems to believe in a weird romanticized version of moral absolutes- or the equivalent in relationships. Backrubs? No fights? Cooking? Different cultures, regions, ethnicities and races would have different standards for a good relationship. In the U.S. and western culture, we have a fabulous diversity of people. Although # 7 makes good case for pluralistic relativism.
True, but I for one am not a fan of the romantic standards of my ancestors (mexican. ie mean macho men, women always in the kitchen). My boyfriend gives backrubs and cooks and has never yelled at me. I plan on keeping him.
Not to say all Mexican men are mean, they make great fathers :) I just have a thing for sweet progressive, american boys.
I disagree with everything but #7 in this post and if my wife took your advice I would be getting served with divorce papers. People lead different lives and dynamic relationships require dynamic solutions. Setting the bar with any criteria as specific as "does he give you back rubs?" or "Cook Dinner" is asinine. I support my wife 100%, include her in all financial decisions, support her artistic aspirations, have great sex, tell her I love her many times daily, would never raise my voice in abusive anger, deride or belittle her and would never hit her... but by your metric, I am a dead beat that should be left in the dust.
Do your readers a favor and stick to more generalized metrics.
Here, here. As a woman, I absolutely agree with you, 1337. All couples lead different types of relationships that cannot be summed up with a 4 question test. This is a "Cosmo Love Quiz" at best.
They yellign and screaming well i sort of disagree on that one....and i'm sure many others who grew up in a hard core italian american household could vouch for this (my dad's off the plane / mom born here....bo
Well, if your family is happy with it, thats cool I guess..but I really don't think the blogger is talking about fights among 2 people who enjoy fighting, but more about guys that are nasty for know good reason. My sister had a relationship with a guy that would always make cruel remarks to her in front of people, while she was nothing but a sweet heart to him. Thank goodness she wised up and left.
I disagree my fellow Italian. The negative energy & drama we associate with our culture is still very damaging. Often times after yelling and screaming everybody makes up & starts talking about family 1st, Love you etc. but just as often I've seen all out war, brother suing brother, etc.
And as specific ethnic/racial cultures (Italians, Misc. Asians, Mexican, etc.) become more enlightened and psychologically aware we all need to drop the anger, drama & learn to embrace the positive expression of passions via our backgrounds.
Free flowing negativity always borders on and often leads to out an out abuse, lying, manipulation, etc. I can only speak for my Italian family but I've seen a lot of paranoia and distrust and yet it's all normal to them. So to me some of these "accepted" cultural traits are actually negative meme type pathological infections not that far off from the 'gansta' who thinks their warped POV represents all humans.
Digressing
Beautiful Intelligent Ladies of Huffington Post, a good man who is interested & capable of creating a good life with you will rarely, if ever, yell at you.
Good Post Dr. Alex. In general I am constantly amazed at how many women are confused about what a healthy man is like emotionally. In real life they are drawn to the primitive nature of a man more then all the other things they tell themselves that they really want.
This article is not describing a "deadbeat" boyfriend, it is describing a dangerous ABUSER that NO WOMAN in her right mind and with any semblance of self esteem should EVER have in her life. Every year women are murdered by guys like these.
I too wish more women would ditch the deadbeats. That would leave more opportunities for nice, giving guys like me.... But really, should I walk out the FIRST time a WOMAN gets bitchy with ME? I'd be pretty lonely if I did that. #5 and #6 go against the best pastoral and secular counceling that I know about. Let's help women and men develop good self esteem. Then they'll have the strength to walk out of abusive or unfulfilling relationships.
Couples that NEVER raise their voices in decades of relationship usually tend to die in a spontaneous chainsaw-massacre or similar. Not my cup of tea.
Really? Got some proof? Seriously do all you folks think its impossible to have disagreements without screaming and insulting each other? Thats really sad. There are far too much nastiness in the world..why bring it home?
yeah I was thinking the same...no mean spirited remarks or raising of voices? is this a Stepford Beau or a real human being? it sounds like the author longs for Unicorns and rainbows because real life just isn't PC enough...g
See Tim Ellis's Profile
I'm a bit skeptical myself. I've never raised my voice to my fiancee, and the author is absolutely correct in saying that there is NEVER any excuse to hit your significant other.
That said, my fiancee once raised her voice to me. And we've both said snarky and even mean things things to each other in the heat of the moment. It is a SERIOUS leap for me to make to say that I should therefore abandon someone who I love this dearly, and who clearly loves me as much.
I recognize that the Dr. is trying to err on the side of caution, but I think that telling people to abandon stable, loving relationships because they got in a fight is a little unrealistic. Do not let the perfect be the enemy of the amazing. If you are in a loving, passionate, energetic, stable, and incredible relationship of many years, but you've had a screaming fight once in five decades, that's stil a good relationship.
Remember also that relationships are not required to be permanent. You can enjoy a relationship for the good parts and when you are ready to move on, you can move on. Far too many relationships go on well past the time when one or both participants has already ended it in their hearts, and it only causes pain. Don't be afraid to be honest with yourslef and your partner when your heart is no longer in it.
in our modern selfish, self serving, self absorbed world, many people are no longer interested in other human beings and would not want a relationship with one
i think many people watch that movie fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to have one like that
Sounds great Dr. but do you really know anyone in the type of (loving) relationship you describe.
Many years ago I dated a guy exclusively for two years. He seemed to do all of the right things and we got along great, or so i thought, then one day he just left without any explanation and refused to give me one.
I now know the underlying reason, but it still was traumatic and a waste of two years of my life.
I'd rather have an argument now and then to know what the other person is feeling, than have a Mr. Seems-like
I'm sorry but I don't see a lot of substance behind this article. Points 5 & 6 as several have pointed out are just plain unrealistic (and of course you don't mention how a man should react to mean spirited words from his partner so I have to suspect a bit of sexual bias here). The really frustrating thing about therapy and therapists is the lack of scientific rigor. How do we distinguish this from phrenology or reading tea leaves? I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm serious. Where is the rigor? It seems to me like a sort of secular replacement for pastoral counseling.
well said
this is not a serious examination of the issue
Regarding 5 and 6, I agree with the blogger. Something is wrong if a man is nasty and yells at his woman. My parents have been together 35 years and never ever ever has my father done anything close to yelling or being nasty. Sure they have fought, but they keep it clean.
However, it's OK if a woman yells at her man? My last girlfriend started yelling at me two days into the relationship. In her defense, I guessed that there was a coffee shop one block away, but it took us three blocks to find one.
No its not ok! You didn't deserve that and I hope you left her.
See Tim Ellis's Profile
Heh, I've been there alright. I hope you're properly free of that situation, it's a right mess and never gets better.
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