I have several super-successful, single male friends here in Los Angeles who also happen to be smart, kind, educated, and decent-looking. They're solid guys through and through. And it just kills me that they can be so successful in every other department in life but romance.
Everyone else assumes that the successful dudes get all the babes, but it turns out that's not always the case. So I had to look into what was going on here.
One of them, Aaron, who is in his mid-40s, recently invited a very attractive 24-year old woman to dinner. She asked to be taken to one of the most expensive restaurants in town, and Aaron obliged.
He'll never forget what happened at the restaurant: she proceeded to order everything on the menu. Then when they brought her the dishes, she sent them back. Not once. Not twice. Not three times, but FIVE times.
The entire staff of the restaurant was fed up with her, as was Aaron. So he paid the bill and excused himself even before the meal was fully over.
That vignette illustrates a bunch of the mistakes rich guys make. Aaron lost two hours, some pride and a couple of hundred bucks, but sadly, many other men (and not just wealthy ones) waste far more time, money and effort as a result of the following:
1) They try to buy themselves into a woman's favor.
Many rich guys have a terrible habit of spending lots of money on a woman they don't know very well. Super-fancy dinners (like Aaron's above), a bracelet engraved with her name, cross-country chartered flights -- these are just some of the things I've seen and heard men do for women on a first date. The idea is "I've done this for you -- please like me."
You need to stop that, buddy. Like, now.
Aside from the fact that this sort of behavior can make a man's motivations suspect -- triggering the "I wonder what he really wants from me" alarm in a woman's head -- there are fundamental reasons why this is a bad idea.
The first is neurological. In animal behavior, a reinforcer is a reward which tends to increase the frequency of a behavior. Timing is key: the molecular mechanism dictates that a reinforcer works only if given shortly after the desired behavior.
If you give the reward before the behavior, it's not a reinforcer -- it's just a bribe. You're reinforcing nothing. So in the future, you're likely to get even more of -- nothing. You have zero leverage because you have given your power away. Moreover, a bribe usually doesn't increase the respect of the bribed for the briber.
Generally, people will like you not because of what you have but because of how you make them feel. So instead of spending lots of money early on, be compelling. Three of the five methods of being compelling from the Tao of Dating for Men are focusing your attention on her, being fun and being somewhat mysterious.
The second reason is more spiritual. If you're looking for a meaningful connection with a woman, throwing money around can distract from that.
Beyond your achievements and possessions reside your heart and soul. After the honeymoon period, that's what's going to matter, and that's the level at which you'll want to be connected with a woman.
Ideally, you want that to be the foundation of your relationship. Moreover, if you succeed in enticing a woman into your life with material displays, you'll make it far more difficult to discern whether she's into you or just your baubles.
That said, wealth is as attractive to a woman as a shapely body and pretty face are to a man, so by all means, use that to your advantage. Just remember the writer's old adage: show, don't tell.
Tip well, throw nice parties at your palatial pad, be involved in charitable causes. That's showing -- magnanimity is quite appealing. But don't necessarily bestow gifts upon people before they've earned them. That's telling, and it's just a fancy way of seeking approval. It diminishes your power.
This brings us to the second point.
2) They abdicate their leadership role as a man.
He gets stuff done. He's a leader of men. He kicks major ass in almost every department in life. He is one successful dude.
Yet, somehow, when it comes to his interactions with women (especially the young pretty ones), he relinquishes all that power. He starts to chase and seek approval. He lets her call the shots. He thinks that if he gives her what she wants -- like Aaron did when he let his date choose the restaurant -- she'll like him better.
No, no and no.
Since time immemorial, women have been attracted to men who are older and of higher status than themselves. The sophomores want to date the seniors. Not to say that you're ancient, but you're the senior now, brother.
Congratulations -- as the older man, you've earned the right to be chased. Now what are you doing pretending that you're the one chasing her? Why are you trying to impress her?
Stop that already. Behold the yin-yang symbol, or taijitu:
Notice how there's a little dot of black (yin, or feminine energy) in the field of white (yang, or masculine energy).
For men, you can think of the yang as the main dish, and the yin as the spice. The spice enhances the flavor of the dish.
Chasing her is yang. Leaning back a little and letting her chase you is yin.
So all ye powerful men out there: bring on some of that yin. Lean back. Evaluate her instead of trying to prove yourself. Assume the stance of the picky selector. What qualities makes her appealing? What makes her a good companion?
Instead of trying to qualify yourself to someone who is probably younger, less experienced and less powerful than you, allow her to qualify herself. Be the interviewer, not the interviewee.
In four words, don't be a wimp. Stay the leader instead. Ladies love cool leaders.
3) They try to parlay friendly concern into romance.
Jeff is another friend of mine in town who's very successful in the entertainment field. And often when he meets a beautiful, young actress, he offers to help advance her career with his vast network of influential contacts.
This is a lot like the 'buying her favor' ploy up in item #1, except that it's less sincere. At least the guy who buys a woman flowers or asks her to dinner is straightforward about his interest in her.
If you're a networking god and just love to connect people together, by all means keep that up. At the same time, if you're interested in a woman, quit being a wimp (current euphemism: 'nice guy') and own up that you're interested in her as a woman. You Tarzan, she Jane.
Once you're in the friend zone with a woman, the chances of you getting romantically involved with her diminish dramatically. That's why being a little aggressive and making your intentions clear at the outset can increase your chances of success. If she says yes, game on. If no, then you've just stopped wasting your time. You win either way - very Tao for you.
The power is within you,
Dr Alex
dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Twitter: @dralexbenzer
old man-
she's still ONLY a 20 something year old with a 20 year old brain.
(like the girl who orders everything on the menu...well DUH...it's all about 'her' at this
time in her life)
When you go on the hunt for a young twenty-something-
expect a YOUNG TWENTY SOMETHING!!!!
Females mature faster than males. This is not headline news.
Females reach puberty earlier, peak in fertility by their late 20's, and are no longer reproductive by age 45. By which time very few women are attractive to men. Why? Because they are no longer fertile. They may be respected, cherished, honored, and loved. But they are no longer in the reproductive game. Which is the kindling of sexual fire. For the entire animal kingdom.
This is not a matter of opinion or political correctness. It is a matter of neurohormones and pheromones. A matter of biology. A matter of fact.
Women are well-served in being reminded of this reality. Age-old wisdom, that was somehow lost to my generation. The women's liberation movement sold us an unrealistic notion. That women can emulate men in all their pursuits. But this is simply not true. Not in the biological department.
20-something women, wisen up. Go to college, go to grad school, do what you will. But do not postpone your personal life. Get on with it. Find love. Build a family. Start early. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it seems unfair. Such is life. Accept it. Work with it. Your generation will be much happier.
As for other common interests, well, perhaps we should reexamine whether our mates are meant to be our best friends. This does not appear to have been the expectation, historically. Perhaps it is too much to ask.
Attracting younger women requires a different skill set than whatever it was that made you your money. There is a weird sense of entitlement that wealthier men often have. They can afford their toys and feel entitled to whatever else grabs their attention. Trying to buy your way in to a woman’s heart doesn’t make a woman feel attracted to you. Although it shows you have the ability to support her (translate to survivability) it often communicates the male has no value other than what he can buy.
Men haven’t figured out that relating to women is a skill set because society communicates that they are supposed to already know that stuff. We don’t know, have little guidance where to get the information and much of the available information is inaccurate.
Just as trying to buy a younger woman’s attention doesn’t work, simply telling a man to date women his own age won’t make him seek more mature women. Inner beauty does not make a man feel attraction.
When men and women begin to embrace their differences, instead of ignoring them and expecting them to behave differently than they are, they will begin to have more successful relationships.
Stop trying to kill the messenger. That’s not going to get you a date either.
I have yet to come across any successful man (and yes, I have dated a few) who isn't a pompus, arrogant jerkwad who is more concerned about his portfolio or his Mercedes. But tell ya what, if you can find me a decent, funny, intelligent succeful man out there who isn't a total jerk, then he would find himself an attractive, funny, intelligent and engaging woman who doesn't care how much money he makes.
Can't find one? Yep that's what I thought. The "nice" rich man is a myth...
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Hilarious.
Thank you, Inspector Clouseau, for your analysis of this mysterious case.
Dude. Maybe you should offer iced tea to that solid-built gardener who's redesigning your yards. Or try chatting up the cute, silver-haired transcriptionist who smiled at you yesterday. How about the tall, rangy woman who told you to wait your turn at the coffee stand? The one with cat-eye glasses and a flat rear end? She was wildly funny -- everyone else laughed!
Doctor, huh? I left California two decades ago, and I swear you have the SoCal mindset down perfectly. Young, selfish women belong with well-to-do older men. Likelyhood of divorce? Pfft. Just look past the character flaws all women have, because one of those cute, young, long-legged harlots and bimbos might be your bank accounts' soulmate.
How many shrinks recommend a guy pretend to be cool & tough... when he's actually a marshmallow for a beautiful girl? Nah, Doc, she'll never figure out he's faking. Not a chance.
What a sexist, defeatist, irrational prescription. Doctor. I know, you don't see anything wrong with your point of view. Why would you? You soak in it, it seems realistic. Took me years to notice that silver screen entitlement didn't work outside hollywood. Boy, was my face red.
How's yours?
Psychologists talk about the 'equity theory of relationships': how relationships tend to work out better when they're between equals. A big age gap could be a source of inequality, but it can also be made up in other departments. Youth/beauty counterbalancing wealth/status is as old as the hills.