How to Irritate Men

One question my female readers are always asking me is "Why don't you share your own personal experiences, doc?" The answer is simple: 'cause it's nobody's business, that's why. Also, I based The Tao of Dating for Women and Men on timeless principles instead of anecdote, since the former don't get old. That said, if it's likely to facilitate world peace and save the pandas, fine, twist my arm, I'm willing to talk about some of my own experiences in aggregate. Maybe. All depends on the number of pandas.

So, ladies -- in the spirit of understanding men and perhaps causing them less needless pain (and also improving the chances of your own genes propagating to the next generation), here are some behaviors that are guaranteed to irritate the living crap out of men. If you want your male companion to continue liking you, you would do well to avoid these at all cost:

1) Fiddling with the phone while I'm with you.

We've both put in a lot of time and effort to show up together, which means that we value each other's company. Right? So quit checking your texts, email or calls on your phone. Just turn the damn gizmo off. What are you going to do with the phone call anyway? Make a date with the person on the line, then ignore that person by answering your phone on that date?

If I'm with you, I'm giving you my full attention. Kindly do the same.

2) Fiddling with your makeup in public.

We men understand that as a woman, you need to look pretty. We really appreciate that. But grooming yourself in public is about as genteel as whipping out my nailclippers and giving myself a manicure at the dinner table. Actually, now that I think about it, going to the bathroom 15 times to reapply your lipstick (and probably check your Crackberry) is equally irritating. I'm here to be with you because I like you just the way you are. So be comfortable with yourself and allow the interaction to flow with minimal interruption.

3) Interrupting me.

Yes, you want to be helpful and chime in with your own Bali travel story. That's nice. Now let me finish my damn story. Even if you're bored with what I have to say, the polite thing to do that will endear you to me for ever and all time is to let me ramble uninterrupted with my meandering tale.

4) Being late.

Again, we men understand and appreciate that you ladies like to look pretty. Fantastic! Now do it on your time, not mine. If it takes you an hour to get ready, don't start 15min before I'm picking you up. I've put a lot of time and effort into getting a dinner reservation that expires and tickets to a concert that will start without us, and I'd hate to miss the first movement of Brahms' 4th, so give us both the courtesy of an on-time departure.

5) Refusing to decide.

Modern life confronts us with a dizzying number of choices. Paper or plastic? Soup or salad? Dress or jeans? Hawaii or Mexico? Church or orgy? Leather or latex? And men understand that women constitutionally have a tougher time deciding. Hey, no problem. Just make up your mind today, please. Unless you secretly want me to make the decision for you, which I'm happy to do on condition that you can't complain about it afterwards.

6) Refusing to eat like a normal human being.

If you've come out with me to dinner or I'm cooking for you, you are expected to eat. Maybe it's my Iranian upbringing, but sharing a meal is a sacred bond. Ordering a few leaves and poking at them desultorily does not constitute sharing a meal.

Besides irritating me, it also makes me wonder about your whole mental makeup if you deny yourself something as basic as food. Also, if you ordered salad for the meal, you can't order the double fudge sundae for dessert. That's just twisted and wrong.

While we're at it, being an unreasonably picky eater also irritates men. Hey, I'm as big a proponent of healthy eating as the next doc: I haven't been eating red meat in ages, and I eat other meat sparingly. But if your food has to be raw, vegan, and onion-, garlic- ,gluten- and sugar-free, go hang out with the pandas I saved and munch on bamboo all day 'cause I'm hungry for some real food.

Speaking of being finicky...

7) Being unreasonably finicky and high-maintenance.

Once again, guys get it that ladies are beautiful, delicate creatures. As one female character in the W. B. Yeats poem Adam's Curse says:

...And thereupon
That beautiful mild woman for whose sake
There's many a one shall find out all heartache
On finding that her voice is sweet and low
Replied, 'To be born woman is to know-
Although they do not talk of it at school-
That we must labour to be beautiful.'

So, yeah, it's work being pretty. However, if you've decided to wear shoes that are so uncomfortable that you can't walk a block so the guy needs to valet the car every time, or your food order didn't come in just perfect and you chew out the waitstaff for it, or the temperature's too hot or too cold because you neglected to bring adequate clothing like a grown adult, we are going to be irritated.

Adaptability is the hallmark of human existence and the key to its survival for the past three eons. Everything about us that is considered 'attractive' is actually evolutionary shorthand for 'enhances survival.' Let me repeat that: attractive = has survival value. Beauty is a proxy for health and fecundity; strength is a proxy for the ability to hunt and defend the home; intelligence is a proxy for figuring out ways to thrive. Ergo finickiness = unattractive; adaptability = hot.

8) Giving more attention to your dog than me.

Your dog is a dog. It's not a human. It's also not your kid, who is and should be more important than a guy, always. But not a dog. Dude is more important than dog. Because chances are that dog will never cook for you, give you a backrub, give you a ride to the airport or give you mind-blowing pleasure that will make your vision blurry for days. A guy will do all of those (well, the right guy at least). So if you like a guy and want him to like you back, be sure to convey that he is more important than the dog, especially if he just met you. Because that's how he's going to decide if he wants to see you again.

Here ends this rant. May you have found it useful. If you have your own helpful tips you'd like to share or would like to politely disagree and illuminate the masses of dim men with a choice morsel of wisdom (lord knows we could use some), please comment below. Make it brief and play nice -- pointlessly snarky comments will be deleted without a second thought.

Love life could use a boost? I hear ya. Check out the dating bibles for smart folks: The Tao of Dating for Women and The Tao of Dating for Men

Got a burning question? Write me with 'Burning question' in the subject line and I'll do my best to get a fire extinguisher to you

For more food for thought, visit the Tao of Dating and Awaken Your Genius blogs

 

 

 

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Comments

[Moninn]

01:29 PM on 05/30/2010

Haha I like this article. I notice some woman feeling a lil upset, no? lol

[Arwa Maghnie]

10:18 AM on 05/27/2010

excuse me doc, but none of the points u higlighted is true; i had to check the title couple times to see if it were how to irritate men or how to irritate "women". The points u mentioned, we all know, are for those men dating women who dont like them, and a woman who is dating someone she doesnt like wont bother reading this. U wont date her if she does what u listed?? she doesnt care, actually she is trying to tell u that she doesnt care!!! Unless, and I doubt, there is a "rank" or "type" or "kind" of men we are not aware of and his painful stories arent shared in media and written about in books; otherwise, this article is completely pointless. No woman would fiddle with anything when she is with the man she likes, these are more describing a man than a woman, and the thing is, men do things that irritate women all the time even when they are deeply in love. the things that irritate men are these: asking alot of questions about career (his career is what he is and she is not allowed to know he is not a superman in the office or that he feels less or that he about to be fired), giving him advice (he is the one entitled to advice in this relationship, she is supposed to knwo less), calling him many times when there isnt something serious (someone died, someone about to die),

[HeatherLynn117]

09:04 PM on 05/26/2010

"Also, if you ordered salad for the meal, you can't order the double fudge sundae for dessert. That's just twisted and wrong."

I do disagree with that bit. Sometimes, a girl just wants some salad (not talking about the nasty iceberg lettuce salads, either). Being a vegetarian that doesn't eat fish, I can say I've definitely been to restaurants where I get the choice between a salad and maybe or or two other meals I don't really want to eat, so I order the salad. There is the term 'saving room for desert' for a reason.

[Mools]

04:46 PM on 05/26/2010

Hell, I think the no fiddling with the phone is just a good rule in general. I have a buddy who calls up a group of people to go hang out, and when we are all hanging out he spends all the time talking on the phone/texting OTHER people wondering what they are doing. Save me the time and frustration and just hang out with them to begin with. I don't care.

[TheMightyMidget]

01:22 PM on 05/26/2010

Laugh out loud funny, Doc. I would add only one rule:

The Exes 3-strikes-and-you're-out rule: Yes, we all have a past. We all have baggage. We've all been hurt, betrayed, hurt someone else, and spent time with a special someone who turned out to be utterly batsh*t crazy. If it comes to pass that you and I commit to an exclusive, emotionaly fulfilling relationship based on love and trust, we will have many conversations about our respective "exes"... some sad, some funny, some mystifying ("she did what?? with WHO?? IN YOUR CAR???"). However, ladies, please understand... if on the first date you go out of your way to mention one or more ex boyfriends/husbands/fiances more than twice, there will not be a second date.

[Pippen]

11:50 AM on 05/26/2010

High Maintenance would be requiring a new car or an elite vehicle on the date, posh restaurants only, elite events no bowling, cannot dine outside the wind might blow her hair out of place, no pic nics the bugs scare her, no outhouses indoor hotel toilets only. Her day is comprised of mostly shopping at posh stores, brunches and teas. Dates cannot include too much walking her $1200 leather 4 inch heals may scuff. Demanding the date do things other than what was mentioned, like meeting her just as ridiculous friends.

Just wanted to clarify the whole High Maintenance thing

I avoid these women like the plague.

[Dr. Ali Binazir]

12:45 AM on 05/27/2010

Dude -- massive sympathy. Where do these people live again?

[zombie fairy]

11:22 AM on 05/26/2010

"But if your food has to be raw, vegan, and onion-, garlic- ,gluten- and sugar-free, go hang out with the pandas I saved and munch on bamboo all day 'cause I'm hungry for some real food."

Is there a clause for legitimate food allergies?

[amymari]

11:51 PM on 05/25/2010

Actually, seven of the eight "rules" above apply to men as well as women.

1) It would irritate me, as a woman, to be out with a man messing constantly with his phone. Why did you ask me out, then, if you aren't going to communicate with me?

3) I don't like to be interrupted either.

4) I once dated a man who was late on a consistent basis - 30 minutes to a hour late. He didn't have any make up to put on, so I don't know what his excuse was.

5) Refusing to decide - my dad does this at times, and it is annoying.

6) Have you ever gone on a date with a man who just keeps eating? It's a little weird

7) Men can be high maintenance as well - overly fastidious with their clothes, or being very rigid in what they will or will not do for date activities. Although I do sympathize with men who deal with high maintenance, whiny ladies. Yuck!

8) How a man treats his dog or pet would be something I would watch. Actions tell the truth, not words. But no, the dog should not be the priority - unless the dog has to go out to pee. And don't keep greasy dog bones in the damn bed, it's just f****** disgusting!!!

Some of the "rules" apply to relationships in general - with family, with friends. Who wants to deal with a chronically late friend, or one who

[Dr. Ali Binazir]

01:13 AM on 05/26/2010

amymari -- you are correct in spotting these traits as universally unappealing. However, boys do some other things habitually which I will get to in a future article (eg furiously checking out other women while he's with you).
Umm, greasy dog bones? Exactly what kind of men are you associating with, hon? Oy.

[amymari]

11:03 AM on 05/26/2010

The greasy dog bones was a period where my self esteem was low and I put up with a lot more from a man than I would today. Many women do this, and some never realize that they deserve more, or that a good relationship is not an emotional roller coaster ride.

That chronically-late-dog-bones man has been history for almost 6 yrs. I recently celebrated our four year anniversary (not married) with my wonderful, mature man, and I could not be happier!

[llisa]

02:04 PM on 05/26/2010

I would add 9) Take a little trouble with your personal hygiene. Don't just throw on cologne over your work body. Bathe! Shave! Brush your teeth. Put on clothing that is appropriate to the restaurant or activity. And if you do use a fragrance--use sparingly.

[Badger84]

09:02 PM on 05/25/2010

Thanks for providing some semblance of balance to the HP relationships page by providing a man's perspective.

As for #3, I have experienced that frequently. At times, I suspect it is a cultural thing. Some people come from families where everyone is talking over each other at the dinner table and that is what they relate to.
On #6, I dated a woman who only ate raw vegetables and fruit. No breads or bakery because "people weren't meant to eat grains." Just try to find a restaurant for a night out.
Re #8, I am guilty of giving a woman's pets more attention, particularly when the woman has the warmth and spontaneity of a cadaver.

[Comment Person]

06:00 PM on 05/25/2010

I like your approach.
Describing your own personal relationships so someone could compare theirs to yours would be a turn-off.
Stick with it!
P.S. For a funny....ditto to the guys fiddling with their make-up as well :)

[skipling]

05:56 PM on 05/25/2010

Feel better now?

[zaneblue]

05:41 PM on 05/25/2010

LOL

High maintenance woman is high maintenance.

[TracySmith]

04:48 PM on 05/25/2010

Women do not have a constitutionally harder time deciding than men. I know plenty of men who can't or won't make decisions. Some women have trouble with it, some men have trouble with it. It is annoying, though, I will give you that.

[lizgwiz]

04:01 PM on 05/25/2010

I'm sorry, but "don't fiddle with your phone" should be a universal commandment. Men do that just as often as women, in my experience. I went on one first date where the guy spent the entire half-hour (yes, that's all the time he had allotted) having an argument with his ex via text-messaging. He held the phone under the table--like that made it okay! Or maybe he thought I was too stupid to notice.

[Dr. Ali Binazir]

04:42 PM on 05/25/2010

Agreed -- guys do that, too. See the 'Unplug or Die: Kill Your Gizmo Addiction Before it Kills You' article for an alarmist manifesto of that very selfsame concept -- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-ali-binazir/unplug-or-die-kill-gizmo_b_565342.html

[kirkland]

03:47 PM on 05/25/2010

Great little check list ;-> but, mho, you missed somthing. re: the Dog. The way that I treat my pooch is the way that i treat any living thing that I love, including men. A woman with a dog is very revealing ---a man can observe how she loves and discern *her style*. in some cases it might be neurotic. In other cases it might be that the man observing realizes that he'd love to be adored and cherished. Any man who got jealous of my affection ( or responsibility towards) for my canine would not be on my page emotionally to begin with *but* that said? I believe that there's plenty of love to go around and loving one entity does not come at the expense of another. I don't understand how fussy some men get about a woman loving her dog. ;-> . women *are *WOMEN. We fuss, nuture, tend and generally give a hoot about the well being of those we love, actively.

[Dr. Ali Binazir]

04:43 PM on 05/25/2010

Excellent point. Men don't get irritated about the nurturing -- it's all about the *priority*. So even though the dog is permanent and the guy is temporary (most of the time), you've gotta at least pretend that the dude matters more at first.