Meet my friend Michelle -- a beautiful, sophisticated and exceptionally intelligent 30-year-old woman in New York City. Men are falling all over her left and right, but not too many of them can go toe-to-toe with her. Every once in a while, though, a keeper comes along. That's when she gets all excited, instantly loses her bearings and calls me to ask in an endearingly helpless tone: "Ali -- how do you make a man fall in love with you?"
Well, I've never made a man fall in love with me, so that's not a recipe in my cookbook. However, I've fallen hard for women before and remember exactly what they did. From those experiences and forays into the scientific literature, I've come up with three ways that a man will fall in love with you. Straight out of the dating bible for smart women, here they are:
1) The Natural Way.
Consciously or not, every man has a mental archetype of the woman he desires. Once in a blue moon, that woman waltzes into his sights. If that happens to be you, then hallelujah! Let the fireworks begin.
There isn't much you can really do to engineer this kind of love. A man is attracted to a certain physique, face, hair, smell, cultural background, or any other number of elements of which even he himself is not fully aware. You could resemble his first girlfriend. You could be wearing that one perfume that drives him nuts (because his first girlfriend used to wear it). Whatever it is, this is the love that cannot be planned. If it happens, great. If not, read on.
2) The Devious Dastardly Way.
With enough determination, you can make any man fall in love with you, and the procedure is simpler than you think. To summarize in three words: give, withdraw, repeat.
Before I elaborate on this, you should know that it's called the devious dastardly way because it's, well, devious and dastardly. Emotional manipulation of people is just plain wrong. I've been on the receiving end of it, and it thoroughly sucked.
So why am I including this manipulative method when I don't condone it?
I'm including it because I don't believe any woman in her right mind would use this procedure consciously. However, through circumstance and sheer cluelessness, a woman could end up using this procedure unconsciously (also known as 'being in your twenties'). And then she's got a man who's borderline stalking her, and she doesn't understand why. Now that you know how this works, it's more likely that you can prevent this inconvenience (which is also true for the men who are reading this).
Here's the essence of it. You start out by giving the man attention: appear interested, give him your number, set up a date. You are giving.
Then, you cancel the date at the last minute. This is withdrawing, and it puts the man in a tizzy. He will be hurt and confused, not understanding what happened. He was so close!
This is related to what psychologists call an irregular schedule of reinforcement. The sudden withdrawal of reward paradoxically makes the subject try harder and get even more invested. In dolphins, when you suddenly stop giving fish for a jump, they start to jump higher for their reward. (If you stop giving fish altogether, you get extinction, and they jump less.)
Once you withdraw, it's time to give again. Now you call him and apologize profusely (which is different from flaking, where you're not invested at all and simply vanish into Flakeville, a neighborhood in LA). Some emergency came up, it could not be avoided, so sorry, can we please reschedule? You'll make it up to him. Really.
You're showing that you actually cared, but just couldn't show up for reasons beyond your control. It wasn't your fault, you swear. Usually, he'll be pleased enough by your continued interest to accept your apology and agree to reschedule. Poor sucker.
You've just given, so now you must withdraw again. You have two options:
a) Cancel again, or
b) Show up, and use the withdraw procedure after you give a little during the date: be flirtatious, give him compliments, touch him lots, gaze lingeringly deep into his eyes. You may even kiss him. Then, when he least expects it, cut the whole thing short and leave abruptly -- something came up beyond your control. You withdraw.
Once again, he will be frustrated and confused, thinking he was so close -- what went wrong this time? He will think about you constantly and wait with bated breath for you to call him again. Timing here is of the essence: if you take too long, extinction will set in and he'll forget about you. So 24-72 hrs later, you enter his life again and give a little bit more, only to withdraw it later.
Three rounds of give and withdraw should reduce any man to putty -- assuming putty is what you're looking for. The key to making this work is to give genuinely when you're giving. You really are into him. It's just that something unexpected comes up every time he's on the brink of being on solid ground with you, and you withdraw completely, yanking the rug out from under him decisively, only to restore it later.
In the case of my friend Brian, a woman broke up and got back together with him three times, each make-up accompanied with protestations of undying love (and passionate make-up sex). To this day, he can't recall being more obsessed with anyone, even though she was ten truckloads of Tennessee trouble.
By now, you see how deeply devious and manipulative this is. You may also realize unwittingly having done something like this to some poor sap at some point in your life (twenties?). You were initially interested, gave him your number, went out with him once or twice. But then you got busy -- exams, big project at work -- and he got relegated to the back of your mind. Then you thought about him again and responded to him positively, only to withdraw for some reason. That's when he started acting clingy and weird, so you decided to ignore him, which whetted his appetite even more, much to your annoyance and confusion.
So to keep from sending out the wrong signals to men, be more mindful of your actions. On the other hand, if this is how you wish to nab Mr. Right, be aware that you're playing with fire. The result of your efforts will be infatuation, which is different from love. And without a real three-chakra connection at the head, heart and sexual center, you'll have to keep up the game indefinitely to keep him interested.
3) The High Road.
If you are truly interested in a man and want him to grow in love, respect and admiration for you, the method is remarkably simple: bring out the best in him. Every woman has this power, but forgets sometimes.
A man will steadily fall more and more in love with a woman who steadily helps him become more and more the man he has always wanted to be. Not only can you help nurture the vision that he has of his own greatness, but you can go one step beyond and encourage him to be even bigger than he has ever imagined himself.
When you do this, he has no choice but to feel good about himself around you. He will feel taller, stronger, more capable, more masculine. And chances are that he's not getting anything like that anywhere else. Which means that he's more likely to stay with you for the long run.
How do you do this? Energy flows where attention goes, so address your attention to the best part of a man's character. These are the aspects of him you want to see flourish: strength, courage, compassion, loyalty, generativity. Want for him more than he wants for himself. By consciously directing your energy, you help him along his path of evolution. And if the man you've picked is indeed worthy of your attention, he will have no choice but to love you for it.
What's worked for you? Share your stories in the comments so others can learn.
For more practical love advice for smart, strong women, get the #1 rated women's dating book on Amazon (4.9/5.0 stars!): The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible. Now available as book, ebook, audiobook, on Kindle™, and Sinai™ indestructible stone tablet.
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But, then again if she was very rich, she probablyl wouldn't rely on this book would she . .
Well, I was 21 years old, full of issues from the past... My self esteem was equal to nada, and well...
First date went well. Although I did'nt think he was attractive enough(!)
- so on the 2nd date I broke off with him. 3 days later - I went back, claiming my issues had played hard on my head so I'd like to see him again. We met again and even though I balked and stalked inside, I didn't let myself or my issues play games with my mind. I was scared shitless - but today I'm so happy I kept on it. We have been through a LOT together - and now, 7 years, we finally have the kind of relationship others sometimes cast jelous glances.
I've gone from strategy no. 2 to number 3. When I've read a romantic novel and think "Why is my BF not *this* or *that* I think of all the other great things he does for me - and usually the "unsatisfiedness" is gone within 10 minutes. Because he wants the best for me, encourage me in living my dreams - how could I not do the same for him? Encourage him to work out, support his views on his job, support his hobbies (even if they are "geeky") and generally respect his choices and values.
It's definitely a sign of maturity on your part to decide to move on instead of clinging in desperation and hoping against hope!
As you wrote so wisely in your last sentence:
"I guess making someone fall in love with you isn't the same as making him stay in love with you."
You might also rephrase that as:
"...making someone get infatuated with you isn't the same as making him truly fall in love with you. "
You sould be proud of yourself for having the wisdom to recognize the difference!
I have a question though. The first two methods you explain quite thoroughly, but I'm a little lost on the third method. How does one bring out the best in a man without nagging? Could you elaborate on this 3rd point?
Basically, be encouraging (which is the opposite of nagging). Support his goals and encourage him to have even bigger ones. Have his back. Say things like "I believe in you" and "I trust your judgment." Acknowledge and praise his accomplishments, big and small. Maintain high expectations of him. Do all of these things, and he will not only stick around for a while, but also grow into the man you've built him up to be.
I have read some of your articles before and I am now going to get into your books. My relationships with men have always been very difficult and hurtful. When I was in my early twenties, I did do #2, some not so much and I think it was only with men I had no interest in. When I was about 23, met this guy and dated him for a while, we were both in Grad school at the time and very much in sync, wanted to marry me he says, but had another woman who had eyes on him and was pushy. In any event, we did not make it. Got married later, 2 kids, divorced b/c we were too different. I am very smart, ambitious, courageous, but also have a survival instinct which does not allow me to give up against any adversity. Cannot find anyone and I think it is mostly b/c it is difficult for me to practice #2. When I meet someone, I give and cannot withdraw. It always turns badly b/c I get too attached, even though I am not boring, it just does not work out. #3 is never a problem for me b/c I have practiced that for a long time. So what to do???? Now I am in my early 40 and I think I am also afraid to end up alone and tend to over do it sometimes. Need help!!! Thank you.