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The Ultimate Unofficial Gym-Goers Guide

08/26/2014 01:02 pm ET | Updated Oct 26, 2014
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Are you a member of a gym? Want to try a new exercise or class but not sure what to expect! You're in luck because I embarrassed myself by trying every fitness trend in the industry and broke it down for you.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion, and I am aware that it's totally inappropriate and judgmental but -- all in fun -- i.e., please don't send me hate mail.

So here are a few classes/areas of the gym that you might want to try out:

1. The Running Club
What it is: A group that meets few times a week to do long cardio with a coach.
My take: If you do this -- do yourself a favor and don't tell anyone -- otherwise every single smart a** will tell you that "You're wasting your time" and that the new research shows that you should be doing something shorter, more intense, etc., etc. Seriously, just stop.

2. Spin Cycle
What it is: Cycling on bikes in a room with loud music that motivates you.
My take: You can forget to comb your hair before class (it's really dark in there) and remember the instructor says turn the knob -- don't actually turn the whole thing or you will be applying diaper rash cream to your thighs for a week.

3. Pilates/Barre
What it is: A dance-inspired class with emphasis on core strength
My take: Guys go to this class to check out hot girls. Girls you go to this class hoping to look like those hot girls. P.S. You also won't be able to walk the next day.

4. CrossFit
What it is: A fitness phenomenon based on strength and endurance training. Watch CrossFit competitions on ESPN and YouTube and you're get the gist.
My take: Did you puke? No worries -- that expected. On the bright side you may get invited to a paleo potluck after class.

5. Yoga
What it is: Physical, mental and spiritual movement classes.
My take: You go there if want to stretch your muscles in ways you never knew your could (or should). Warning: you may come out of class a converted vegan.

6. Zumba
What it is: A dance-inspired fitness class.
My take: You want to make a fool of yourself in the mirror with a group of shiny, happy people who keep saying "You go girl!"

7. Cardio Room
What it is: An area of the gym that has the treadmills, elliptical machines, and stair climbers.
My take: Most likely, you have a trashy magazine under your arm and strangely -- later in the day forgot if you worked out or not.

8. Weights Room
What it is: An area of the gym that has all the weight training equipment like barbells, bench presses and free weights
My take: You may notice a disproportionate amount of people looking in the mirror and taking selfies. And don't be alarmed at all the muscles and grunting -- it's all natural testosterone.

So there it is. Did I miss any? Yes, I purposely skipped the classes titled "water cycle cardio blast" etc., because really, if you go to those -- the joke's on you.

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