"I'm so unhappy!" she groaned, plunking herself down into the easy chair of my consulting room. Marlis, a beautiful young pediatrician in her early 30's, was 'spent.' "I've probably defatted my adrenals significantly this week alone," she acknowledged. "It was just awful. Maybe I'm no good at being a doctor. Well, that's not true, exactly, but I'm driving myself and everyone nuts. I'm such a fanatic about doing the procedures right, I'm so afraid something awful will happen if every little thing the staff does is not perfect." I asked her to describe what had happened. After listening to her story in detail, it became clear that her anxiety was more problematic, than the clinical reality of what she feared. She acknowledged this was so.
Anxiety comes in many forms. Medication is not the only answer. Take Sasha, for example. When I saw him last week at Safeway check-out where he works, he was fearing the worst. To my 'what's up, Sasha,' his reply was succinct. "I'm afraid I'm going to get Valentine's Day wrong again, like the past eight years." To my question: 'what was the fatal error? His answer got my attention. "I have no idea what she wants, and I always guess wrong." "Sasha," said I, why don't you tell her what you just told me and ask for her help?" He smiled sheepishly, muttering: "I guess I never thought of that!"
He's not alone. When we face challenges, most achievers and slackers alike, fail to ask for help. Too often, we go off into the sunset like the Lone Ranger, and forget all about Tonto. There's a reason that the hero often has a side-kick: think Don Quixote and Sancho Panza, think Batman and Robin. The idea of getting assistance from another has made up the storyline for centuries. Only today, when in a neuron crunch for the name of a terrific reference for you, outreach to one of my favorite clinicians, Tara Carson, joggled the memory banks. We are not alone unless we choose it. Period.
The great news is that each of us has access to the Other, beginning with the One within, the One directing our instincts, catalyzing our hearts to yearn for that which would bring about a deeper relationship with wholeness. This inner G.P.S. couldn't care less about imperfection, mistakes, caring only about our progression towards that 'Truth that sets you free.' As Jiminy Cricket once said: "Let your conscious be your guide." Okay, yes, so I spelled it a different way, but, if the 'spelling fits,' let's run with it. Perhaps what Mr. C was suggesting was that we begin with a desire for recognition that if what we're doing is not producing the desired result, do something else. You know, that old 'what you think about you bring about' jazz.
All I know is that it's working for Marlis and Sasha by last report this week. Let's give a wee run down of their four-fold step game plan which is working:
1. Tell yourself the truth. Eudora Welty, a famous Pulitzer Prize winner put it this way: "...to know a truth, I also had to recognize a lie." Marlis recognized that she was exaggerating, Sasha recognized that he was playing clairvoyant.
2. Reconsider your situation from the inside out, as Welty put it: "...all serious daring starts within..." Each of the aforementioned duo, in their own way, considered the question: "What is the experience you want to create?" Sasha created the best Valentine's Day he's ever had by enlisting the help of his wife, and creating the day together, taking time with one another, which, he told me "was even free!"
3. Reset your gold standard if you find yourself 'trying too hard' and failing to get your desired results. I should know. For too many years I took on far too much, telling myself the story: "Look at Mother Teresa. She's saving hundreds of thousands one person at a time." Finally, in a fit of exhaustion, with some help from my best friend, and some others, I began to see that I was operating by a false standard. By now, if you've been reading my work, you're pretty darn clear that Mother Teresa leaves me in the dust. The real work has been to reset my standard in ways that are natural to my nature. My columns are not the brilliant blogs of those with other styles. I'm not the Shapiros, any more than I am Anne Naylor, Judith Rich, Kari Henley, Arianna, Mehmet Oz, Andrew Wyle, or Larry Dossey. Trying to be other than we are only upsets the apple cart. What I am is someone who loves you, loves the process, loves human relations, and loves the results that transformation brings about. Maybe someday I'll write another book. I know the title: Getting Over Mother Teresa! What do you think?
4. Watch your words. Listen deeply. I am indebted to a fine clinician by the name of Tara Carson who 'turned me onto' a teacher of teachers, Sylvia Warner. Here's the scoop. When Sylvia Ashton Warner moved to New Zealand, as a teacher, she gravitated to the schoolhouse of children who were seriously challenged around learning. Warner stepped up, honored her own experience, and stopped pushing the curriculum down their throats. Nor did she buy into any 'dumbing down' of the requirements, as Utah is considering today. No, instead, she listening deeply to the children's story, wrote down their 'favorite word' from it on a single piece of paper, and sent them home with the instruction to care for their word, bring it back the next day, and place it in their own box. What happened was astounding: they learned to read and spell from their own stories.
Not too shabby, eh? This is what happens when in the presence of a Master Teacher. Marlis is such a teacher, because, like Warner, she is willing to be a learner. This week, she's focused on what she wants, not the obstacle in her thinking. The findings of recent neuroscience support the wisdom of such a choice as an impressive results producer.
For this week, let's consider the guidance of one of the finest teachers of the past century by the name of Emma Curtis Hopkins, and follow what she suggested. Let's challenge ourselves to consider:
"What is the good you desire? Name your good. Write it down."
Let me know your desire. I'm listening and will get back to you this week. By the way, for you who are passing this blog along to those you know, many, many thanks. This is a team effort, without the strain. I will be back March 3rd. You can receive notice of my blogs every Wednesday by checking Become a Fan at the top, and follow me on Twitter (DrCaraBarker), Dr.Carabarker@gmail.com
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Good things your way,
Cara
Your new website is brilliant .. it is an inspiration - :-)
I recommend people check it out and see!
carabarker.net
The music, the colors and the fact you people can see all your HuffPost blogs
as for this post-
trying to hard is an obstatcle in itself
as perfection is the ability to see our imperfections!
Ed
You've brought a glow to my day. Glad you love carabarker.net What a joy to see it come together without stress or strain .
Much love,
Cara
Guardian Angel :-)
What you say about anxiety reminds me of Spencer Tracy's rustic wisdom in Captain Courageous as he's teaching spoiled Harvey to fish, "Stay away from that anxious, let the fish be anxious." Both your illustrations seem to say the same thing. There's no point in worrying? Do what you can, and the results will be what they are whether your anxious about it or not.
My desire that I wrote down is the same one that I've been working toward since resolution day. It's a corollary of don't criticize, acknowledge the good in people and make them feel good about themselves.
With love,
little brother
Sounds like you love films like my husband and I. We just love the opportunity to enter the story, extract the pearls, and discuss/play around with the story, the character development, and so on. It occurs to me that the two you mentioned, in particular, would be great Netflick pics for these times. The themes are eternal, aren't they?
Thanks for taking the time to not only come by, but sharing your truth. I send you much, much love and appreciation,
Cara
Congratulations on your newbie, as you call your new web site. I know how proud and happy you must be to have it launched. A kind of leap, as it were, right? And with just the right amount of effort to get the job done.
Here's to leaping and loving and squeezing the juice out of every moment (effortlessly!)
Much love to you,
Judith
Joy, peace, and love your way,
Cara
:-)
My only concern is that it might discourage some of the banksters in their efforts to cleanse and recalibrate their moral compasses a tad too early.
Peace and blessing your way, Diogenes,
Cara
Each and every time I read your words, my heart is touched. Your candor, your generosity of Spirit, your awakening is something lovely to behold. Thank you, my friend.
I received an impression while reading your following words: "i want to always want what i have, but that is a big dream and takes lifetimes to really integrate, but i'm working on it." What might happen if you gave up 'working on it,' and even the belief about it taking many lifetimes, and entered the Stillness on this issue. Just wondering...............................
Let me know. Meanwhile, may reflections of your beautiful heart meet you each step on the Path,
Cara
I notice that you've been asking others to share what they like about your site. So, since you seem open to feedback, I'll share what I LOVE about it:
--the feel: it feels serene, inspiring, & uplifting to me...I get a sense of being connected in Oneness
when I read what's there, look at the pictures, and through the colors that you've chosen
--that it's real--meaning it's personal. You've opened your life up: what you're about in the world, your story, your mission, etc.
--The Love Project: AWESOME!!! I'm it. And it's a project that doesn't require me to DO anything, but rather BE, and let my actions fall naturally from that.
What would add value:
--A calendar or list of services or something that spells out when and how people can work with you (seminars, private counseling/coaching, etc, etc.)
I hope this supports you.
Congrats on creating an amazing site!
Love,
Dawnelle
Bless you for taking the time! This particular 'Love Project' of mine which we're first rolling out as the site, is definitely a collaborative creative act.....my favorite sort, and the only kind of activities I will be doing from here on in. It's just so much dang fun to be part of Awakenng with kindred Spirits. Too much of my life professionally has been the going solo route.............all part of my '40 days in the desert' journey. Who doesn't know that one?
I will address your concerns the end of March when we roll out the Shopping Cart. Now, I'm thinking that maybe we should give a peek preview. There will be something for everyone, including a 40 day program for only $1.50/day! ......all the way up to exclusive private retreats for those with this sort of interest. Of course, there are publications, learning materials, too. Know anyone who speaks espanol? I'll be needing a translator in few months for the new books/materials. Love, joy, and gratitude to you, Cara
I am so happy to be "back for a spell"--to your proverbial front porch: this column. And with the readership community here.
I am also thrilled that you have committed yourself to being fully you and to write openly about that (and create an amazing new website that just oozes you!) Because of that, your columns, retreats, seminars, counseling sessions deeply move and heal. What wants to come through comes through because you are surrender to the unique gift you have to share with the world. Recognizing this in you inspires me to be more fully me. .....And when we all live who we are fully, it's like the beauty of a symphony: each instrument "doin' it's thang", yet working in harmony for a world that works for everyone.
I will ponder on the greater good I have to give to the world. I have been in the question about that a lot lately, as I take on yet another career evolution (which is a Dawnelle evolution).
Much love and gratitude,
Dawnelle
Dawnelle, you are so darn generous. Your feedback is marvelous, touching, inspiring. But, I must be frank: as with all beautiful creations, this had several key midwives and architects, to whit Chris Bowen, and Roz Sciammas. Before them, people like yourself have been nudging me for many years to do something like this: friends and clients in Asia, Africa, Europe, Mexico, and here in the U.S. It simply wasn't yet time, and I had to 'hold steady' with this knowing. I am so indebted to all of you, without which, this would not be coming to the light of day. May all joy be yours in the cultivation of what's blooming in your heart,
Cara
BZ49
And, why play the Perfection Game, anyway, when the Imperfection Game is so much more alive?
Love yoru way, Cara
A most beautiful blogger, thinker and giver you are.
I am sure you read Lynn Twist's book about meeting Mother Theresa, and spending the day worrying about what to wear, reading her books, finally going - and being shocked at the meager existence her orphanage is, and finally being infuriated when her time alone with Mother Theresa was interrupted by some obnoxious couple who stormed back in demanding a photo. She later felt painfully guilty for her feeling this way, and wrote a letter to Mother Theresa begging forgiveness.
A few weeks later, she received a hand written note by Mother Theresa. She reminded her that the plight of the "resource poor" is well established in the world, but the plight of the "resource rich" is one which she feels requires just as much compassion.
What a teacher.
I love how you teach us to look within each week when you interpret the news and events. It is a true gift!
Love
Kari
Cara
What a lovely new website you have! Congratulations, and warmest good wishes for this new beginning for you.
I love your post. The whole thing of trying too hard - such a life lesson. Your clients are very fortunate to have you to support them. Our life lessons are never lost when we have the chance to pass them on. That to me is the gift that we are in our lives
As to the good I desire. Firstly, I would like the hearing in my left ear to be restored. Then, I would like to get clear from the heart the next book I am to write.
With love and appreciation for you,
Anne
I'm also glad you like the blog. It's near and dear to my own heart as the subject seems to 'land' with most folks in the Western world.
It must really be a challenge with this ear situation. Something really important to the inner ear must be developing. I wouln't be surprised if it were connected to your new book.. My love and prayers are with you, for sure. Some day it would be great fun to collaborate on a book. Hold that thought for the future. I've never done one of mine that way--but hey.................................
Meanwhile may Peace be yorus this Ash Wednesday and always,
Cara
I've had the flu so I missed your blog last week. But being ill pounded in me that I am doing too much. It's a hard lesson to learn. Your story of Sylvia Warner made me think of my young storytellers. I started mentoring last week and it's been the best experience listening to these children explaining their life lessons through story. I walked away wondering why I've tried so hard for things that don't matter as much as the experience I'm having with those children.
I hope you are well!
Ebony
Children's storytelling is one of my most vital interests. Please, please keep me posted. I'd rec you consider having them illustrate. Miricles happen with this combo.
If you check my new site, carabarker.net you'll notice something very harmonious as an offering about story by the end of March. But, don't wait for then.....................check out the site and enjoy!
Feel better,
Cara
I will definitely keep you posted.
Ebony
Let me know what you'd like to see and experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Godspeed,
Cara Barker
i sure wish we could toss the word perfection into the sea. imo, its a word without a basis in reality. its a word we want to be so we wont be afraid. everything is safe when its perfect. nothing will assualt our senses, our ego, our saftey.
hugs,
pema
if we never tripped, we would never learn to laugh at ourselves.
The really interesting thing to me is that in the endless pursuit of perfection as human creatures, what gets missed is the Perfection that is already here at the deepest level, of which we are all a part.
Toward that end, to appreciate more and stress less, check out my new Web site gift as of today: carabarker.net. I'd love to hear from you. What grabs you?
My appreciation for you runs deep, Pema,
Cara
'team cara".
your gonna laugh at this. i was sitting here reading your response, midway, i noticed a bunch of my song birdies landed in a big window box of light pink flowers to munch some afids. the flowers were so huge, overflowing, such a lovely window box and then these adorable birds landing upon them, i thought oh how lovely, oh how perf...oh cr.ap! all those birds are breaking the stems! their killing the plant!
thats what i get for using the p word.
what grabs me? love as a verb.
ON that note, let me send some lovin' your way. As Micky D'ssused to sing "You deserve a break today!" How wise youwere to escape the Red Aisle, just in the knick of time! Isn't it something how after a loss/disappointment, the enormity of its many layers hits us at the most unexpected times. All I can say, my friend, is 'I've been there.'
I'm so impressed, Bill, how you are able to assume the Witness state, and move in the direction of your own Becoming. Bless you many fold.
By the way, my new Web just came up! Check it out and let me know.......................
carabarker.net
Love your way,
Cara
Your new web site is a beaut! So I named my desire to give and recieve more love, thought it synchronistic that you would have The Love Project on your site. Very cool.
Feeling the feeling of much gratitude for you. And that is my prayer for these moments. The feeling IS the prayer.
Bill
Peace, blessings and unlimited doses of love your way,
Cara
P.S. What did you like about the site????????????????