September brings a parade of parents each year to the consulting room. This year is no exception. Fueled with concerns about classroom size, cuts in the education budget and capsizing special programs, both afterschool and during the school day, mothers and fathers describe a higher degree of anxiety and stress than I've ever seen.
Who can blame them? Parents are running this way and that, just to keep caught up in their gerbil wheels, and they are exhausted. Some have lost jobs and have had to move to new districts that are easier on the wallet. Others contend with signing divorce papers over the summer.
Increasing numbers are dealing with the ramifications of having their kiddos diagnosed with disconcerting, stress-related diseases. Those who have jobs are concerned about inadequate time available for helping their children with homework activities and finding funds to support programs their kids need that cost more than they've got.
Recently, a mother came to make corrections in her son's behavior this autumn. As she fears, he is not progressing as he should. The problem is that he is 47, and she is 72. While we may think "back to school" is only for the young, the fact is that the need to educate ourselves never ends.
In this case, Mabel has spent decades trying to rearrange George's life, to improve his motivation and course correct his relationship with his wife (so that the daughter-in-law is more appreciative of the mother-in-law). Recently recovering from a heart attack, big mama was told by her cardiologist that she needs to de-stress, relax and calm down. Hence, her arrival at my door.
So, I asked Mabel: "What do you believe would help you relax, as your doctor has suggested?" She grinned. "Simple," she said. "If my son would do as I say, his wife would be nicer to me, and we would all be better for it." Hmmm. These are the moments that can make you doubt your career choice. When the level of understanding is so low, where do you start?
It seems that what this mother has on her curriculum of course correction for her offspring actually needs to be redirected to herself. She's not the only one around who might benefit. How easy it is to believe that school is over for those of us more advanced in years than the little ones, the teens and our young adults. What we miss is that the school of life never ends. If we are still here, we are in "the classroom." The question is, what is it that we need to learn this year in order to advance our own awareness and awakening to live our lives with greater joy, aliveness and vitality?
To answer this for yourself, consider the following:
1. Prowl around your digs, and by that I mean your spiritual home within. If you do not believe you have one, that is okay, because all you need is a sense that there's more to you than you know. As Oscar Wilde quipped: "Only the shallow think they know themselves."
2. Become still.
3. Wait in the silence .
4. Welcome what comes, a nudge, an intuition, an inspiration or permission.
5. Take an action step in the direction of your own internal guidance system.
6. Record whatever happens at least once a week.
Coaching
This process cannot begin in any significant way until you give yourself permission to relax. Unburden yourself from outer demands during this practice. Welcome a deeper state of kindness and self-compassion to arise within you. Welcome whatever ideas come, no matter how small or insignificant to the outer world of appearances. Trust kindness more, and trust doubt less, for the purpose of this exercise.
Perhaps you sense a guidance that says: "You need more time like this to take it easy." Perhaps you sense direction to express love to someone in your life, or forgiveness for someone in the mirror. Trust and follow your inner knowing in gentle little ways. Let life flow through you. By the end of the coming school year, you will have advanced in the direction of your innermost wisdom that "speaks" from the heart and soul of who you really are, underneath ego constructions.
Last week, I met a 3-year-old little girl. She was hopping up and down. I asked her, "What's got you so excited?" Hopping gleefully up and down her answer was: "Today is the very first day of my very first school." What if we could relocate such joy for ourselves?
Practice: For the willing do the following.
Turning "it" over -- the concerns, cares, anxieties and stressors at least four times a day, for 60 seconds. Discover what awaits that's useful. No matter how busy you are, surely you can take a few minutes a day to value youself. Finding your own deep level of truth as your best informant to handle the upcoming year is up to you.
Your turn.
I'm taking on this commitment for the next year as a gift to myself. What about you? What would life be like if you were willing to let the life force move through you with less resistance and greater ease? What will your life be like this time next year, September 2012, if you keep fighting your innermost wisdom? I say, let's find out. Let's make our attendance in the school of life be the best time we've ever known. Let me know. I'm listening and learning from you, my teachers.
For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at dr.carabarker@gmail.com. To save time, click on Become a Fan. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." Follow Dr. Cara Barker on www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker.
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Just to let you know that I will be back here on the HP on November 2nd. If you haven't received a response to your contribution this week, I want you to know that I did make one, for I am most grateful that you have not only taken your time, but are making a difference. Unfortunately, a number of them did not show up. The HP staff must be overwhelmed with all there is to do. Who amongst us doesn't know what this is like? I do, especially now as we are moving our household 'as we speak.'
Know, in the meantime, that I will be thinking of you, and grateful for you. Let's launch that early holiday season in November together.
All good things,
Cara
Cara
You sure ask the hard questions. I've been contemplating what I need to learn in the next year since I initially read this article and it's taken me over a day to realize that I need to learn to trust my instincts. I need to be willing to let events unfold as they will when I hold true to my core feelings. Too often I concern myself with the acceptance of others and I rein in my opinions just to go along to get along. But it happens at the expense of my own self respect. I think it was Polonius' son whom he advised "to thine own self be true." This is perhaps the best generic advice one person can give to another. What I need to learn in the next year is to be true to myself. Whew! his is a tough one.
Lotsa luv,
l'il bro
Love out your way Little Brother,
Cara
So much love your way,
Cara
Thanks for your wonderful article! Sometimes it helps me to just go for a walk in the woods, especially this time of year...One thing I do know, is, you really can't have much control over what other people do - only over what YOU do... If one wants fairness, then be fair, - If one wants kindness - then be kind, etc. It can be very "freeing" to accept that your children are going to walk their own path, no matter what you might want for them.
As for the "inner child", it can be difficult to find it because a child doesn't have the heavy responsibility that an adult has to have in this day and age....
You are welcome. Your words are music for my ears and heart. Walking in the woods happens sot be one of my favorite things as well. It is a contemplative time for me, a reconnecting time with what is greater than ego, mood, agenda and all the other riff raft that is distraction to the gift of life. Your words remind me of the wisdom "Be the Change." But first, we must identify the change we want before we can 'be' it. Here's where the walks in the woods come into play for we have the chance to bring Little One along and notice what Little One notices, finding the joy in it, even if adult ego doesn't understand. Understanding, anyway can be highly over-rated when it comes to the Wisdom of the heart.
For you Wisdom, and your heart, I am most grateful,k
Cara
I spend years working as a volunteer for a respite programme spending time with physically and mentally handicapped young adults, so parants could have a night off for themselves. Mind that spending time with those youth group helped me more that I could ever help them. People feel sorry for them, I say to them what for ? Look at them, full of spirits, just having a good time. Some are high funtion down ,with minimum supervision could function well as janitors, sackers,help in fast foods. One young man, this is funny or perhaps not, while bringing food the the patrons, woud have a fry or two on his way. After repeated warnings they had to let him go.
Some are so severely handicapped that needs 24/7 attention, some would have seizures in the middle of the day. We had music, movires , dances, story telling, games. Halloween was a big event. These folks could as as devious or flirty as the best of us.
Now for the parents, I have observed marriages fall apart. Rarely have seen any of them together. Most of the time the mother gets to be the care giver and sometimes dads are too.
It becomes lonely journey for the parents. xo...Gypsy
I am not surprised at your history as a volunteer. It is so clearly your core: giving.That you have 'eyes to see,' ears to hear' and a 'heart to receive and give' rings out clearly. What compassion and empathy you bring to our world, gypsy. My heart is warmed by your example.
Hugs,
Cara
We all need our little child days don't you think.
Good article leaving me with much food for thought as the leaves turn colors and change is in the wind so to speak. Time for clothes and food and bedsheets change and a good time for a mind and body cleanse and some time to pay attention to the inner me. Yes, I need to spend a day in reflection while I hold that little girl in my mind. Time to dance in the moonlight and let it all go.
Your Curriculum is one that is adoptable for many of us. I love it. I adore you. Here's to this 'brand new beautiful day,' as my daughter when she was three used to start every day saying. Don't you love this way of dancing through the world?
Underneath the moon tonight, I shall be dancing with you!
Cara
I love your idea of "turning it over" 4x/day for 60 seconds. Tuning in to the "Being" channel, goes right along with my topic this week of tuning in to the Good New Channel, for when we do the first, we will surely find the second. After all, there is only One source right? And that is what lies beyond all appearances.
Right this moment I'm aware of being grateful for this crisp, cool, delicious autumn morning which is beckoning me to put on my walking shoes and go out and greet it. THAT's my curriculum for this moment!
Sending love and gratitude as always,
Judith
Your day there in El Cerrito is matching ours: not a cloud in the sky, pure blue sky, radiant light moving through the green leaves, some now with golden tips, and air so clean and clear that it makes you feel so good about being alive and so grateful for someone named Bes.
I can't wait for next week!
Cara
I look to Finland and their results. As a culture they value teachers, pay them well in ways that count. It is an honor to teach there. They do not 'teach to the tests,' for they do not bother with that method. What they get as a result is the highest academic performance of learning in the world. I say let's 'work what works.' This is the time for reinvention if there ever were one!
Many thanks for your comment and interest in something so vital!
Cara
Oh, how much harm germinates in the wake of misguided acts of love? How many chances to guide children toward becoming fully functional adults are lost to the belief that parents always know what is best for their kids? Granted, parents have greater experience, but that is only part of the equation. When, like Mabel, a person allows by accident or design, the expression of their experience to retard their children’s opportunity to gain their own, they are cheating their kids and leaving them deficient and often ignorant about themselves.
We all should want the “best” for our kids. The problem is in defining the parameters of “best.” I contend that a generous portion of what is “best” for a child is found in us, the parents, and this is where Mabel falls short. What her son needed was a bit of best, or at least better, from his mom.
As you stated, it is never too late for an adjustment… one that will allow us to leap and jump about over it being the first day of the rest of the days in our school of life.
As far as life next year: Studying hard to get it right! :)
Lawson
Say, when you are finished with the studies, maybe we should play around with co-authoring that manual? What say you? Winks your way...
The seeds you are planting are all about greatness!
Cara
I believe the most important part of the most important job is to help kids find a connection between their passion and purpose, and develop the behaviors (skills, habits, and attitudes) that will support their efforts.,, to me, those are the main seeds of greatness.
As for a manuel or a book (got the rough outline already), even with the winks (you never know), I would be both humbled and honored to co-author anything with you.
For me, the critical part is that the seeds get planted and nurished. An entire generation could be changed if the parents willed it... if they knew they could... if they only would.
Nudged again!
Lawson
My curriculum could use more doing.
Do more meditation. I've gotten away from my everyday thing.
Do more writing. Journal and generally write.
Do more speaking. I love to teach, enrich and inspire.
Thanks my Socratic friend for the great question!
Love is the verb for peace.
Verb ya!
xxxooo
Cara
Yes, love is the verb for peace. Love in action, be it at the 7/11, on the freeway in heavy traffic, at work or at home. The question is how can we put it into action in the situation before us? Stuff of which the Curriculum may be formed.
Speaking of which, I love yours. Let me know how yours unfolds. Know that I am more than on your team. For, we are in the Classroom together, each learning a wee dram more as we go.
Hugs,
Cara
Have you moved already m`love ? But you know me, a ranter, perhaps would show up later and post somethin`completely totally off topic...Much Love...Gypsy
BIg hugs and wishes for joy your way,
Cara
'Presence to the evolutionary process of our own evolutionary process'.
I think when we are willing to let the life force move through us, we become a fertile environment for seeding our deepest and most authentic desire. And, therein lies the paradox of life! We have been taught to set goals, to work hard, to figure out HOW we can achieve this or that. And then we discover that the desire that lives within is the very thing that wants to be nurtured and held as possible. The instant that we reach this realization, life changes course and 'next year' simply becomes a future that we are living right now.
It takes journeying and a willingness to discover not what we might DO but rather who we ARE and a commitment to holding that fertile environment for the desire that is ours to express.
A splendid day your way,
Cara
How wise you are, sporttrac. Letting go of the guilt is a core healing in and of itself. Self-forgiveness the ladder. Sometimes, I think establishing self-permission for happiness in the moment is the ultimate in defeating 'survivor guilt,' for we are accepting that there is a Good for us, and it is our right to receive it, beginning with the gift of breath.
Having a grown daughter myself, and grand-daughter, I can especially appreciate from my Mama heart what a thing of beauty the two of you are creating together by taking on the Curriculum of your Own Life. Great job. Do let me know how it unfolds this school year!
Love your way,
Cara
Methinks that's why they can't get along. Maybe they're real lucky that it happened that late in their lives. Because usually, this kind of dispute arises in puberty, doesn't it? :-)
As for puberty, one thing I've learned in the trenches is that it is never too late for puberty to arrive. It is surprising, however, when it does so in senior citizens. But then, why should this be surprising? Better now than never.
Joy your way, my friend,
Cara
Thanks for unlocking that particular layer of puberty once again.
It's funny how it requires decades in every new life anew for everybody to get there even though one would think that IT CAN be said. Maybe that's actually some kind of archetype of the divergence between thinking and doing or thinking-you-know and really-knowing.
About getting there as a senior: yes, better late than never. It seems however that getting there before having kids could be closer to optimal.
How are you ORAXX? I am in the middle of a move!
Love,
Cara
sometimes the simplest act can give you a warm feeling inside
help an elderly lady put her groceries in her car
give $2 to a squee gee kid or homeless person
let someone in, in front of u in traffic
smile at someone, say hello to a passer by
very simple gestures can setup your entire day
Glad to see you here this Wednesday. I love your answer. The folks next door to the clinic have been super about letting me park in their 'tow away' slots when the foot is not up to the stairs (two flights) where I have a spot. This afternoon, on a 15 min break in-between clients, I brought over two pans of cupcakes as a thank you. You would have thought they were pure gold by their expression. The funny thing is that I am not sure who felt better? Them, or me? The great thing is that it is not a contest.
I am a big fan of the tiny and even microscopic things. Here's to you and yours! how I love your style!
Cara
Dr Malcolm Sayer: What we do know is that, as the chemical window closed, another awakening took place; that the human spirit is more powerful than any drug - and THAT is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family.
THESE are the things that matter. This is what we'd forgotten - the simplest things.
--
"Awakenings"
great quote from a great film
I highly encourage renting/watching it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKLyhUgAA58&feature=related