Like everyone else this holiday season, you are in search of more joy, connection and love. This desire lives in all our hearts. Regardless of our spiritual path, or lack thereof, we long to create better lives. Ernest Holmes put it this way: "Create or perish is the eternal mandate of nature."
All we need do is turn to nature and see that this is so, even in December. Because spring always comes again, even after the harshest winter storm, we have faith that what appears barren will blossom once more, given enough patience, nourishment and warmth.
But while we know this to be so in physical nature, we have a harder time rallying faith in those dicey human relationships that have soured, particularly this time of year. Perhaps this is what makes Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" such a favorite. If Ebenezer Scrooge can clean up his act, maybe this is possible for that wayward family member refusing to budge, improve his attitude or relinquish his perpetual hissy fit that leaves caca in the holiday family punch bowl.
Writing the following was the furthest thing from my mind in last week's submission, ("Holiday Grieving: How to Best Support The Mourning This Time of Year,") The fact is that HuffPost reader response, both private and public, caused me to reconsider. The fact is that there is another form of holiday grief that no one dares voice, as indicated by the 49 private e-mails I received from brave readers who suffer this variety. The time has come. What follows is a simple guide to restore joy, connection and love where needed most.
Take an audit. What? No corpse? What do you do when the person whose loss you grieve this year is amongst the living? When we think of mourning, most times, this involves a corpse. Not always, though. One Christmas, I recall my father mentioning that the hardest grief is when the person you love is still walking around. He knew the pain of it firsthand, although I could not understand until my own divorce 22 years later. The truth is that we mask over pain we carry from unreconciled relationships that have grown as cold as the lump of coal in an unfortunate child's Christmas stocking.
Tell the truth to someone you trust, beginning with the one in the mirror. The most painful losses are those lost bonds with people we love who refuse to let us into their hearts. A deliberate choice to stonewall love leaves everyone hurting, including future generations that have nothing to do with the original injury. (For the record, I am not referring to situations of abuse.) Feeling the shame that comes with estrangement, most bury their radical sense of helplessness and say nothing. The unspoken sadness surely pares us down to size, giving another level of meaning to the "empty chair" at the holiday table. Friends have no idea what to say or do. Everyone squirms. Let the person you tell know that their job is not to fix anything, that you appreciate their listening without judgment. This is a precious gift. You have a right to be heard, to know that you are not alone. One of the finest, most loving men I know has suffered such a tragedy for over 41 years with his son and daughter after his wife died. Despite his outreach, both grown children have never come back home, nor introduced their six children to their grandfather. It happens. Most people assume that estrangement like this comes from abuse of some form, but not always. Unexpected death has a funny way of bringing out the ghosts of Christmas past.
Get Assistance. You are not alone. Often the one who goes for help is the healthiest of the family! No joke. An example from a public HuffPost reader response:
My grief is more complicated for friends and other family members, because my daughter is alive. Since her marriage 3 years ago, she has chosen to extricate herself from her entire family and all her friends she's had since 8th grade. She won't take our phone calls or answer the door of her apt. I haven't seen her or my first grandchild since the end of April, when the baby was 2 weeks old. I was the last hold-out of her family, she texted me our relationship was 'too toxic' and she didn't want her baby to be around me and to please respect her wishes. After a month, I called and left messages and texted her to please call me and please let me see the baby... I have a couple of gifts for my grandbaby and don't know if I should mail them or try once more to see her. My grief is just as real as if she had passed, and my friends don't ask about her anymore. I've been seeing a therapist to try and deal with it, but I can't get past my own grief and sadness. ... I've been seeing my Dr for over a year; I started because I was willing to do anything to be a part of daughter's & unborn grandbaby's lives. I made the choice to let her hurtful comments & treatment slide. I didn't talk about my feelings or how our family was heartsick at her complete rejection of us. That choice seemed to work for a while. We had planned for them to come over on Mother's Day and I called her to wish her happy Mother's Day several times but had to leave messages and texted (that's her way of communicating) her all day to find out when they could make it. Finally at 5pm, she texted me and said the day had gotten away from them & they wouldn't be able to come over. I told her that her behavior was rude & inconsiderate. That's when she said I was toxic. My therapist has advised me to stop communicating because it feeds her drama & since it's the entire family, that it's not me, it's her. She said I need to hold her to the same standards I do everyone else and that no matter what I do, it will be 'wrong' and even if she does allow me back in, it will happen again and again. I know she is treating me the way her husband treats her & that kills me. This all began when she started dating her husband & has escalated over the years....
My heart still hurts, but I'm working on not listening to the voice in my head that dredges up memories of the sweet little girl I used to know and seems to keep me stuck in the bog of eternal sadness, which I'm really ...sick of. I'm looking forward to your column and am so ready to build some bridges....
Here are some bridge-building principles that cannot fail:
I once created a ritual around Howard Thurman's famous poem "I Will Light Candles This Christmas," which is a poem that can help us deal with the problematic this time of year, regardless of whether we "believe" in Christmas or not. Yes, Virginia, the hope of this season has to do with finding light in the darkness, be it in the nooks and crannnies of our own small thinking or the endless right/wrong finger-pointing around the planet.
When I came across Thurman's poem some years back, I was struggling with someone I knew who would have made Ebenezer appear lightweight by comparison. So I created a ritual using seven candles. With each reading of a Thurman line, I would light a candle. Over time, by rerouting focus back to joy, hope, courage, space, grace and love the whole year long, I no longer allowed my own Ebenezer to ruin our holidays.
Now, reverse this, doing it over for the person over whom you've felt grief. Imagine letting them be free.
Now, your turn. What helps you release negativity? What helps you restore perspective? What encouragement can you offer readers such as the above? I'm listening.
For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail to save time, click "Become a Fan" at the top of this page. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." I've got a great idea for those of you who are willing to step out on the playing field and have an amazing time. Stay tuned! Follow Dr. Cara Barker on www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker.
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I Am Estranged From Family Members | Group with Personal Stories ...
Holiday Grief, Bereavement Articles, Grief Articles, Sympathy
When Grief Comes Home for the Holidays - Helping With Holiday Grief
BB
in the winter i stud oranges with whole cloves, i swear by it keeping the air clean of germs.
i use a corn cob holder and pierce the orange, keep a basket of 3 or 4 in the living room. and the room always smells of cloves and oranges...
yummy on both counts,
Cara
I popped back in to see if you responded to my comment only to discover that my comment was not here. I'll try to re-write what I said the other day. I release negativity by reminding myself that whoever elicited the negative feelings is just someone trying to live his or her own life and the sooner I realize the fruitlessness of my own response the better of I'll be. Sometives it works, sometimes not.
love,
little brother
I'm so glad to hear from you. I'd noticed that it's been awhile since I did, and had no idea that what you'd written was 'missing in action.' Not sure what's happening to some responses, here. Probably the HP staff is doing double time to handle all their tasks. Let's wish them some good relief and holiday cheer, in the meantime. Just know that it's not personal!
And, how could it be? What you add is always worth "a good chew," meaning contemplation!
I'm with you, little brother. Let's hear it for fruitful!
Love your way, today and every day,
Cara
First, forgive my delay. Frankly, I've had a double whammy of the virus malady these past 48 hours, so am only now checking in (yes, still in my robe.) This said, I just have to 'fan' you and respond. In fact, you might find Wednesday's post very timely in response to your words.
What I want you to know is that your mama was a very fortunate woman to have a daughter such as you. It is a very, very difficult thing to see medical situations like hers from the standpoint of what might be in her best interest, as opposed to personal discomfort. While I can understand your brother's suffering, it is sad that he has not managed to stop himself from projecting his grief onto your shoulders. This creates, as you well know, a very complicated bereavement. It is tragic when one's own grief is complicated by another family members refusal to let go. Now, instead of the primary loss, (as with your mother) there is a deliberate 'killing' off of other hearts as well.
This time of year must bring all sorts of memories back to the door of your heart. What I want you to know is that not only is your brother missing out on a very loving and tender-hearted sister, but he is perpetuating pain that need not be.
My love and admiration are with you,
Cara
Thank you so much for your kind response back. It touched me deeply. And, it rang so true when you wrote: "a very complicated bereavement" to my mother's passing because of my brother's preferred estrangement from the family overall. Yes, he refused to let go and it did "kill" off of other hearts when we all should have allowed our hearts to remain more open and loving towards each other. Yet, I will always leave the door open and will welcome his return whenever that may be. Nonetheless, I'm hoping his has found some peace. If not, I pray that he will some day and will then want to walk through that door to a family that continues to love him.
With much respect,
MM
I'm thinking of you with gratitude,
Cara
difficult subject. i am reading. just not ready to talk about it yet. it wasnt one of them, it was all of them.
gone. like a fire ripped thru the forest and only i was left standing and the feeling of horror of it all. not ready to talk more about it yet.
Love your way, Pema, and to all those who know the experience you are describing,
Cara
I just got to your article today and it has touched me deeply. My brother and I are estranged from our father, and it is a unique form of coping that often involves a deep burial of the topic whatsoever.... Thank you for always speaking what needs to be spoken.
I am a big believer in rituals to help us through difficult moments, and any sort of fire ceremony (candle to a small fire in the fireplace or outside) is a great way to create something on paper- an image, a letter or art creation, and then ceremonially let it go.
Have a wonderful holiday, Cara. You do amazing work.
I had no idea. Just goes to show we may think we know someone, only to discover that there are pockets of pain of which we had no idea. What I do experience in you, among many other sources of marvel, is that you have discovered a way of being a benevolent father to yourself (as well as mama) in how you navigate the world. Perhaps you and your brother have discovered the amazing bond that comes between sibs when we need to care for one another that way.
Rituals have been an important part of my own healing process, too. Fire, (creative fire) is such a vital element for letting go, I agree.
Oh, how my love is with you.
Cara
P.S. your father has surely missed out with you as his daughter. Just saying..............
Perhaps we could meet again here after the holidays and tell of our experiences.
Lynettema
Be sweet to you,
Cara
What helps you release negativity? writing, breathing, just throwing it all out in the "soup" out there and see what comes up and taking note, music...
Cara, i really don't know for sure. it could be any or none of the above - whatever works i guess.
What helps you restore perspective? Now this is easy, my morning ritual in 3 steps.
1) reconnecting with my body after the night's separation,
2) reconfirming with hand on my chest that my heart is my master, and
3) hand on mirror, gazing into the eyes of my reflection I connect with my Self, my partner, and thank her for doing all the things that I can't or don't know how to do, for accompanying me on this earth, knowing that everything I do is perfect because she is with me.
Those eyes (not mine) always make me feel good starting the day!
Cheers
I am so happy to see you here. Girl, I've missed you big-time. Looks like I caught you in the middle of another part of your message, but will take this one at a time. I'm surely loving your ritual. It gets to the heart of what we are here to do: grow through Love. What a shining example you are.
Beauty, joy, and love your way,
Cara
I have worked my thing out through the recriminations and incredible mean-spiritedness (theirs), resentment (mine), forgiveness and acceptance that who I am will never be accepted after 24 years absence.
They all still seem to not have moved on at all from when I used to take care of everyone including mother (and I was a kid then for heaven's sake!).
I have given all my negative feelings a proper burial as I shall never pass this way again. I wrote a blog post about this year's soul journey and all the tears I cried, enough to float noah's ark and that in itself was cathartic.
I have grown and I am moving on. Whoever is stuck where is no longer (yes, I used to think I could cajole, fix, get angry and be hurt and still fix it) an issue for me.
No more drama for me!
I feel really really good. I love and I am love and I really mean that. It is verrrry tasty indeed and that is all that counts.
Great post. Cheers
Catherine
Sounds like your Growth has been on the march. Impressive, I must say. And yes, you are damn fine as you are, and them some.
No more drama? Yeah, yay, and keep on that path. It is the only real one. You are one of my heroines.
Love,
Cara
To a mother, her child will always be her child even though they have grown and have a family of their own. a daughter will remember and appreciate her mother more when she has a family of her own.
A mother will go out of her way to call her children to make sure they are alright even though they may have forgotten her because of their busy schedule. If something happens to her children she grief the most because they are born out of their blood, flesh and pain.
I write this story hoping that people who read it will forgive their parents and be with them at least for a few times a year. After all she carried you for nine months in her womb feeding you with blood and gave birth to you at the risk of losing hers.
Here's a link worth reading.
http://www¬.buddhanet¬.net/e-lea¬rning/fili¬al-sutra.h¬tm
As always, khanti, thank you for taking the time, making your contribution, remembering what it's all about.
Love and cheer,
Cara
She has two things going for her where I am concerned 1) she gave birth to me and for that reason only, she gets the basic respect a human being deserves. 2) because of her actions during my formative years, she helped make me the warrior woman I have become (peaceful most of the time).
Cheers
Catherine
We live in our mother's womb for nine months and during this time we are nourished by her blood,
every movement she makes and things she eats is done in consideration for us. For this we owe her our gratitude.
My teacher the Buddha birth mother had passed away after giving birth to him so did not get the chance to take care of him. After enligthenment he went to the heavens to teach Dharma to her mother where she was reborn.
The modern medical facitilies provided here make sure death during child birth is reduced but in poor countries each birth is a gamble of lives for both mother and child.
An incident was witnessed by the founder of Tzu Chi Foundation. She was a nun and witnessed a pregnant native Taiwanese women bleeding and was rejected by a hospital because she cannot afford to pay. She then vowed to set up a hospital free for the poor.
Please do not hold a grude against your mother. Hold her dear in your prayer on lovingkindness.
"Let's tell her the truth. (to which I asked: 'and what do you suppose the truth is about babies and birth?") He responded: "There are soul mamas and families, and there are physical mamas and families. I'm lucky 'cuz I got my soul mama and family, and my physical one. But sometimes people come through their physical families so they can get to the soul family. My sister came through her physical mommy's tummy to come to us."
Family, and mothers come in many forms. I do believe your Soul Mother you are meeting as you meet your own magnificent Self, and there are those who reflect this back to you through love.
Anyone would be enormously blessed to call you 'daughter.'
My love is with you,
Cara
To a mother, her chlidren will always be her children even though they have grown and have a family of their own. A daughter will remember and appreciate her mother more when she has a family of her own.
A mother wil go out of her way to call her children to make sure they are allright even though she may had been forgotten by her children because of their busy schedule. If something happens to her children she griefs the most because they are born out of her blood, flesh and pain.
I write this hoping that people will read and forgive their mother and be with her at least a few times a year. After all she carried you for nine months in her womb and gave life to you at her risk of losing her's.
Here's a link wortyhwhile reading.
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/filial-sutra.htm
Mine is with you, my friend,
Cara
Cherish oneself .............spread kindness..............laugh.................Peace to all..............SOF.
No wonder I'm your fan! you get it.
May you be surrounded in tender mercy, grace, giggles, and all out love,
Cara
I ski, (just did) meditate always, and play :-))
What helps you restore perspective?
Meditate
What encouragement can you offer readers such as the above?
enjoy life