Getting Unstuck, Finding Some Fun

"...I am on my own journey/battle with forgiveness...and I find it very difficult. I feel as if I have reached a standstill. ...perhaps there is a dead end in terms of how much forgiveness you can offer a person sometimes, while still remaining true to how you feel....I am confused, and at a stand still now on this journey to forgiveness. I don't know how to move forward and I do not know what moving forward would entail. Do you have any advice or guidance for me?" B.

Not only is this reader at a standstill, but so is the world. Negotiations all around seem at a standstill. It doesn't much matter where we look. Ironically, the failing attempts to reach consensus on Health Care Reform leave nearly everyone feeling distressed, and, ironically, sickened, particularly the underserved, and those at risk of joining their ranks. In early winter, we are told that there will be a winding down of this eight year war, and today, there is deliberation over sending 40,000 more of our young to Afghanistan to fight a thankless battle. Overseas, Iranian missile launches remind us of North Korea. One day we hear promises of peace, and the next, we learn of new sites for weapons of mass destruction. Last week, we hear 'the economy's better.' Tuesday, China threatens devaluation of our dollar. Where we believe we've been heading comes to a standstill, and we react with a host of feelings. Who's telling the truth? Who's not? Who do you forgive? How do you move forward?

Step One: Getting Unstuck.
Politicians, as well as each of us, struggle with the paradoxical dictates: "To thine own Self be true," and "No man is an island." William Shakespeare penned a fundamental truth when he enjoined us to be honest, authentic with ourselves, without which, we would ring false to others. What he didn't tell us is how to deal with the fact that others' truths might be fundamentally so different from our own, that the disparity puts us into perpetual log-jam with one another.

One of the most basic needs of our ego is to 'be right.' As readers point out, the very act of forgiveness is hard. We want the other to 'go first.' But even more difficult, is to forgive ourselves for our periods of confusion, discouragement, and resistance. Buddhists describe this as " monkey mind" taking over. This ego aspect hops around like Rumpelstilskin, manipulating us with prospects of catastrophe, fear, poverty, powerlessness should we surrender our need 'to be right.'

Examples. A 62 year old client we'll call 'Walter,' was in such a pickle. Known in the public eye as a tremendously successful business leader, Walter hides the effects of his private war. As C.E.O., W.'s accustomed to the helm, knocking aside anything in his way. So far, so good, until he arrives home. His family has recently revolted. Two months ago, his wife of 41 years left him. Both his wife, and his three grown kids have given him the same feedback: "You have to be right about everything. You make no space for anyone else's way. This is not workable." Walter's habitual need to be right has landed him in mighty hot water.

Vive la difference. The basic step in getting unstuck is to recognize that there is a huge distinction between being true to you, and doing it 'Walter's way.' So, the very first thing you've got to do to move forward is recognize, and forgive yourself, for wherever you've gotten stuck, and feel indignant or defeated. Whenever we are in reactivity, we are coming from rigid thinking, needing to be right. When you're coming from inner Wisdom, it is a completely different story. You are open to new solutions, even if they weren't your idea. The need for 'sides,' vanishes. It is as if you shift to a position of welcoming growth, and whoever with whom you've been at odds.

Your body knows the difference between these two states. When we need to be right, to 'Walter our way through conflict,' there's an inner state of adverse tension, rigidity, pushing. Blood pressure rises. We wear out our vessels, and relationships. Operating from alignment with who you are at the most awakened level, registers in the body as being in a state of flow, surrendering, progressing.

When you are stuck with anger: "Well, what that feels like is a big wave that comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, cut each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you'll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller."
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, as reported by Pema Chodron

9 Action Steps. When we are playing from Love, our life conveys a completely different message. Remember that growth is central to our nature. Growth won't happen without growing pains.
1. Trust that whatever 'sets you off' is your current edge of growth.
2. Name the 'painful thing that 'gets you going. But before you do, take out a notepad and invite the 'painful thing' to pose for a doodle portrait. No joke. Our 'painful things' go deeper than words. So let its image 'be your guide.

For example, today, 'Anna,' a 61 year old elementary school principal, came for a consultation. Anna's suffering from migraines that are unresponsive to medications. Last night, she dreamt that she was in a prison cell, and was being kicked in the head by the warden, who bears a striking resemblance to her deceased father. She describes her pain as a "9.999 on a scale of 0-10." I asked her to 'enter' the pain through her creative imagination, and 'doodle' the portrait of whatever she discovered, which was a 'box with bars.' "This is my job. I'm in too small a box. I'm trapped and can't get out of it. What am I going to do about retirement? I want to quit, but I'm just locked in."
3. Ask yourself: what's the doodle's helpful suggestion? Anna's the answer comes swiftly: "I need to spend time doing what makes me happy today. I need to make a jail break!" I ask her: "What would be an unimaginable jail break for you, something no one would predict?" "Pole dancing!" she grins.
4. Don't be surprised if your Spirit speaks in surprising ways. We get bogged down sometimes in too much 'seriousity.'
5. Keep your eye on the prize. Refuse to play the blame game or prophet.
6. Return your focus to what brings you alive. Stop wasting your juice trying to revive the dead, or before you've gotten back your own oxygen supply. Celebrate the unexpected.
7. Shake your coat. That's what my dog Rosie Bell does whenever she needs a state change. Shake off where you've been. This is a new moment. Come back to you, even if its pole dancing and you're 92!

What helps you get unstuck? I'd love to hear from you, and your contacts!

 

 

Comments

[Jason Mannino - Huffpost Blogger]

wow! Cara, this is brilliant, so thorough and so simple in so many ways. It's all about "re-aligning yourself with you!" I love it!

Thank you wonderful CAra!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, Jason, realignment with who we are, and the moment is so simple, yet overlooked. Speaking of alignment, your posts have been amazing. Your papa would be proud, I'm just sure.

Love your way,
Cara

[PeterScott]

I find movement wonderfully unsticking. Jogging gives me so many ideas, it's like a mini vacation. It may be more than endorphins­... movement of the body is a metaphor triggering. movement of the soul.

Seeing your daughter get married must also be good for unsticking, no?

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Peter, for not only dropping by, but underscoring the importance of movement in returning to the flow. I couldn't agree with you more. When I neglect movement in the morning, especially, there is just this stickiness around my mind, body and Spirit.


As for weddingness, a resounding yes, to the reminder that life is moving forward, with all its inherent cycles. Hard to believe so many years have passed, not unlike the tune in "Fiddler on the Roof" which started out: 'Sunrise, sunset....­........."

Wishing you a blessed weekend, with just the right amount of movement,
Cara

[MerhabaAbi]

Hi Cara,

I like to be right and I put effort into being so, but sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes it's easy to admit it but other times it is painful or embareassing. As I performed step one of your exercise it became clear that I feel very bad when someone I care for thinks poorly of me. That's letting externals control my internals too much. I feel much better when I'm acting from love instead of fear. I also find that thats when I can forgive myself too. So I'll keep meditating on knowing what I'm really feeling. It's a great help and a wonderful tool.

Best wishes,
little brother

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear little brother,

Be not discouraged: it's all in the daily practice, the awakening, the forgiving ourselves, and the restoration of kindness to our own Spirit. There's nothing like this to return us to flow.

Let me know how the practice goes. I'll be listening with very genuine interest.

'Til then, many blessings your way,
Cara

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Brilliant post, thank you Cara.

Getting unstuck is one of the most profound things we get to do. I love your 9 Action Steps, but I only saw 7. And I love the doodle approach to gaining insight from our inner nature.

Another doodle game I have played is to, having done the first, do another to illustrate the outcome I would like. Then look at the two together and decide what I want to do.

I love that we are so rich with resources to move out of our dilemmas!

With love to you,
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Great addition, Anne. Thanks. I'm going to take it on myself. Beautiful. As for the missing two, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What can I say? Where, oh where did they go? Perhaps they have joined all those missing socks from the dryer!

Blessings and love your way,
Cara

[mwchrislock]

WHEN "THE SECRET" DOESN'T WORK
The Conscious Mind vs. Subconscious Beliefs

If you've been successful in using the positive thinking and visualization promoted in the popular video "The Secret" to manifest whatever you need or desire....­be it millions of dollars, the love of your life or God Realization, read no more, this article is not for you....If not, read on.

There is no question that control of our attention and thoughts is a very important spiritual skill to learn. But when it comes to manifesting our dreams or bringing what we need into our lives, there's more to the story.

To read the rest of the article, visit www.spiritualdialogues.coms.com

[mwchrislock]

The correct address for reading the rest of the article is http://www.spiritualdialogues.com

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for the correction.
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Interesting response. What would be helpful, would be to have a response from you, as well. Consider it, won't you?

Cara

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow! Pole dancing at 92!!! That one is enough to move anyone out of the mud!
Great post, Cara. As usual, you offer a spin on current events with some inner wisdom, concern and gentle reminders.
I also love how you often share your reader's comments the following week. It makes everyone feel close to you!
Love the ideas, and have a great week!
Kari

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, Kari. I'm glad this puppy has been useful. Frankly, I'm looking forward to reading your upcoming post: I was 'out of the loop' with my daughter's wedding, and really missed your messages which are always wonderous!

Love,
Cara

[Gnrshrtd]

Hi Cara,

I hope this isn't off topic, but your article inspired a memory of a lesson my father taught me:

"There may be more than one right way to do it."

One great way to get un-stuck (I heard someone call it 'paralyzed by indecision') is to go around the fear of making a mistake, and consider alternative strategies for success. Whatever works, as long as it's ethical. You might call it me "shaking my coat"!

I've been called a number of things for my sometimes unconventional solutions. But my work requires results, which I've found I get when I remember the wisdom of my father.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Your father, clearly, was a very wise man. And, you must be, as well, for opening yourself to the unorthodox, the 'out of the box' ways to solve puzzles. This is at the heart of awakening. Bravo, and bravo, once more!

Love,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Your Rosie Bell is a wise dog. I will come back to myself by going to bed and curing that nasty cold I have.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

This must mean, Diogenes, that your inner 'Rosie Bell' is a very wise puppy, too! Take good care of yourself. Feel well soon. You deserve a rest.

Blessings for a speedy recovery,
Cara

[ejones3]

HI Cara,

Thanks for this. I've been going through this "getting unstuck" feeling for awhile and making excuses for why I can't. And the quandary of it all has caused me hives and stomach ailments. And to top it off, I have to come to the office everyday and deal with a "know-it-all" who acts as if her behavior is a sport.

If I had to envision what fun is, it would look like me sitting at Starbucks sucking on a Green Tea Frap and enjoying my laptop. Just the freedom of no one asking me for anything or needing my input on something only to question my judgement. My brain juices would be for my own gain. I'll get there eventually if the Ego could take a nice vacation.

I hope all is well with you.

Ebony

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Alrighty, then, Ms. Ebony, Listen, you get yourself to that Starbuck's tonight, before you go to sleep. Celebrate yourself, Ebony. You deserve these moments in the way that brings juice back into your life. Enjoy it. Let me know how it goes. Your instincts are very, very wise guides.

Love your way,
Cara

[tapeatsbill]

Have any of you ever got so low that you were sobbing into a driveling mess and praying not for help but for death? Divorce had broken wounded my heart and one night I prayed for god to take me and I meant it. Too cowardly or sane to do it myself.

Not to reach enlightenment or nirvana but only to escape my persistent fear and anxiety is why I began meditating everday. To escape and rest.

I felt stripped to a bare naked human or barely human, whatever. One day in the middle of my meditation time, it hit me. There was an absolutely clear fork in the road ahead of me. Continue down the path of fear, resentment and anger or choose the road of love. No other options. But how?

"Just choose to create the feeling of love right now inside myself," I thought. Whoa!

Immediately, the image of my daughter as a new born resting in my arms appeared. I felt the warm rush of unconditional love and cried like a baby but it felt so good.

My heart had begun to awaken. My meditation and prayer became creating within myself the FEELING. Now each day I sit and create the FEELING of love by thinking of my daughter, my dear friends.

Every day think of what creates the feeling of love for you. See how long you can hold onto that feeling. Its simple. Its powerful. It works.

Cara, FEELING gratitude for you,

Bill

[ejones3]

Thanks for this post Bill. I've felt exactly the same and I've turned to more time with meditation. Most times everything is cloudy, but I will try to use the "image of love" of which I'm familiar. I think I try imagines of what I want to be and not necessary what is.

Thanks,

Ebony

[tapeatsbill]

Ebony,

Thanks for your comment. I love that you are meditating. For me it has become so important in my life and makes me feel centered and good. There is a great bookk that came to me some time after I had this experience. It is by Gregg Braden and is called "Secrets of the Lost Mode Of Prayer."

In it he tells the story of a Tebetian monk telling him that the FEELING is the prayer. Its not any mantras or thoughts or bells or lotus position or anything. It is the FEELING that they hold in themselves for as long as they can. Try it with whatever image brings you the feeling.

Its simple and its powerful.

Love is the verb for peace.

Big love,

BB

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I'm right there with you, Ebony, and am taking on Bill's practice today. Let us know what happens!

Cara

[BiBiJan]

I think a lot of people (perhaps not intentionally) try to make others angry. I have found that finding out facts and fact-based analysis of situations that frighten/anger me helps enormously.

So, to help you with "Iranian missile launches remind us of North Korea. One day we hear promises of peace, and the next, we learn of new sites for weapons of mass destructio­n."

I suggest you look at IAEA reports, that on over 20 occasions have stated they have found no WMD development. You may even like to take a look at the national intelligence estimate of 2007 that stated with "high confidence" that there is no active WMD program in Iran confirmed to be still valid by general Jones this week on CNN. Also, you might consider that the daily rants and threats against Iran who has not attacked anyone for over 200 years may prompt them to test defensive (not for first use) missiles.

http://www.bibijon.org/iranimage/

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I couldn't agree with you more, BiBiJan. You made my point better than I. Bravo. Thanks for coming by.

All the best,
Cara

[Arithrianos]

The need to be right as suffering is right, that is what stops all flow, all dance, all play and turns it all into a war of me vs all of creation. When you are at play, real infinite play, not the ego manipulation mistaken for play, there is no winning or losing, there is only the continuation of the play, but when to need to win, or be right comes in, it traps us in the very small box of judgement and evaluation, from which there is no room to be, or allow others to be, and hence suffering, which is only a natural reation to becoming stuck, to not flowing with whatever is NOW. My spirit never speaks in suprising ways, that is a creation of my own expectation, spirit only speaks truth, and ego is so used to only lies, so that is why it seems suprising. To thine ownmostness be true, allow "others" to be true to their ownmostness also, and let the ego hop around until even it gets exhausted and stops.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, Arithrianos, it does all seem to get down to flowing, allowing, and Presence, doesn't it? Great to hear from you. I enjoy your contribution very, very much.

How are you?

Love,
Cara

[Arithrianos]

How am i? I don't know, i am not wise enough to evaluate, but i seem to be me (loving-awareness) more often than not, so i guess that means i am doing very well.