The table is set. One chair is empty. Meanwhile, the rest of the world goes merrily on its way, as if nothing whatsoever has happened. Traditional songs are sung, festivities held, presents purchased, speculations made about whether the economy is "back." But there is one group of people too-oft overlooked, not out of indifference, but really out of confusion. What do you do when someone you love is grieving, especially this time of year? Do you really know how to best support those who mourn during the holidays?
Intially, it is tough for those suffering profound loss to find their footing, much less connect with the hustle and bustle of what comes this time of year. Too often, those of us who are aware of the bereaved get tangled up in our efforts to help, feeling incredibly awkward. What follows is a simple guide that can boost your confidence, and their sense of being understood, and loved.
Bridge Building. Keep it simple. The real issue beneath loss is that love needs an outlet and a means of contact. When someone dies, physical connection seems broken. Love's flow gets interupted. Now, you know what happens when a river gets obstructed: cess, turbulence, and disturbance. Holding back your compassion, for fear of "blowing it," only makes matters worse. The bereaved are not looking for perfect. They are longing to re-establish connection with what heals their heart. Be this bridge.
What if you simply shared how grateful you are that your loved one is in your life? If you knew the person/s they lost, you could add a brief statement about your appreciation for them, as well. It helps to get specific. What we are "going for" here, is a means of bridge building across the chasm they are feeling, which tends to estrange them from life and living. They are where they are. This will shift, over time, if they are willing to take their time, be real, take themselves seriously, and open to growing forward through what's happened. But, that is then and this is now. At this time, connection is what's needed.
Let's get real. It might surprise you to know, increasingly, what the grieving are finding annoying is the statement: 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' Believe me, privately, they tell me.
Listen in, and I'll share some quotes:
"Gretta": This 47 year Old Dutch widow, who lost her husband four weeks ago, whispers the following:
I know that my friends are trying to be nice. But if I hear that statement one more time ("I'm so sorry for your loss.") I'm going to scream. I know they don't know what to say, so they are trying. I wish they wouldn't try so hard and just be real. I have no idea how to be with myself, especially now with the holidays. I feel really isolated.
"Harvey": Following a 4 year marriage to his "dream girl," Helen is killed in an accident two weeks ago. Says he:
I have no idea what to do or where to go this year. I'm alone. Really alone. It's too quiet. I like the quiet, and I don't like it. People look at me with pity. I'm uncomfortable at work, although I know people feel for me. But, no one really says anything. I feel like a leper. The subject of the holidays is up and, maybe I'm paranoid or something, but they seem to start to nearly whisper when the subject of plans comes up. I'm afraid they must be worried and not know what to do.
"Martin": Martin and his wife lost their 4 year old to leukemia in August.
I'm having such a hard time going to work. I can't even imagine making it through the holidays. Halloween was the pits. Annie was so happy last year, trick-or-treating in her Dora costume. I'm a mess. I never know when 'the wave' will hit, and I'm reduced to tears, when I least expect. How in the h---- am I going to get through Christmas? We just love Christmas, always went to our cabin in the mountains. Nobody gets it, either. They try, but they don't. I need a playbook. So do they.
Playbook for Supporting Those Who Mourn During the Holidays: 8 Practical Tips
Example: "I've been thinking about you. I don't know what to say. I can imagine that the holidays are pretty charged this year." Now, just listen.
a) Compose a little love note that let's them know their qualities that you are especially fond of, and give you cause for appreciation for your relationship.
b) Collect some autumn leaves, tie some ribbon/raffia around them, and offer them as a token of your love. If you have the energy: put the aforementioned around a votif candle in a glass holder, and offer it as an 'I'm thinking about you, especially now." You won't find this token at the Mall, nor on Cyberspace.
c) Find a picture in a magazine that reminds you of some memory or dream for the future you share. Mount it on paper, say a few words, and drop it by, or send it.
d) Share a cup of hot cocoa. Feel good remedies are winners.
Never underestimate the power of your love, the beauty of your outreach. It is a gift that is so rare, it will never be forgotten. It is a treasure so rich, that it cannot be purchased. Priceless, just like you!
Now, your turn. What's helped you most during the holidays when you've struggled, or known someone else who is hurting? What's helped? What's hindered? What do you wish others knew about how to build a bridge to you? I'm listening!
Thanks for passing this along to those you love.
Dr. Cara Barker is an author, analyst, and founder of The Love Project, Love Fests and Retreats. For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact her at www.carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail.com. To save time, click on Become a Fan. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." I've got a great idea for those of you who are willing to step out on the playing field and have an amazing time. Stay tuned! Follow Dr. Cara Barker on www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker.
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D.: Why It's Imperative That Employers Support Grieving Employees
When Grief Comes Home for the Holidays - Helping With Holiday Grief
Children and Loss: When Holidays Trigger Grief | Psychology Today
It could be your last chance...or theirs. .
Peace to you..
Peace to you, and a beautiful day..
Cara`s thread is full of kindness and a must read , always my respite and I always search for her...
One does not need to write anything, I would suggest just to read, and the message she bring to this site. My most favorite author.. .
Joy your way,
Cara
Many thanks for checking in with this poignant reminder.
Gratefully,
Cara
Loved ones!
What's hindered? Monkey mind! :-))
What do you wish others knew about how to build a bridge to you? Meditation
I'm listening!
Be quiet! :-))
Love,
Cara
i have found for myself and others, having someone there to "witness" is a delicate yet powerful experience. it seems to be something that is universally understood. as much as anyone can understand the loss of an entire unique life and what that represents to each person.
happiness!
Witnessing is delicate, indeed, but imperative if we are not only to understand, but heal and grow forward. Leave it to you to shine a light on the subtle.
My love is with you today, always,
Cara
my cotton ball head is doing better tyvm :) Still on the medication but hopefully that will end soon, still the structural stuff but you know you its the slowly boiled frog thing, and im the frog. ribbit.
We were going to Olympia for Christmas but now my inlaws want to come down so we can all go to Catalina Island for birthday fun. the guys can go kayaking, hiking, and my sis in law and i will do what all women do, shop and look for ice cream.
how about you? hows the footsie? walking around on it yet?
It's been awhile since I've seen your blog and I am glad I saw it this evening. Thank you for taking on a difficult subject. A dear friend lost her 31 year old brother completely unexpectedly only two weeks ago. I had never met him, but from my observations at the funeral he was obviously much loved, even adored by many people, and her shock and pain is just so palpable. I've tried to just be a listening friend, offering little bits of "I" messages from time to time. It's so painful to watch her experience her grief that i find myself grieving with her for a man I never met.
I am going to try some of your suggestions. I like the one where the person said "just be real." That seems to be so important. sometimes it's just sitting and sometimes it's talking about my little girl and sometimes it's just tears.
Jude
I shall hold your friend, her brother, and you in my meditation over the next 28 days. This whole process has its own calendar. WHat a blessing you are for all of us.
Just know that it means a great deal to me to see you once again. Could you tell you were missed? By the way, if you think this article was a tough subject, wait until you see tomorrow's. It's a major challenge that no one discusses, and hits big-time this time of year.
Love and appreciation out your way,
Cara
To be the friend on the outside is difficult. How to connect with the grieving one or the one with cancer. Akward. My former spouse had cancer. Her own brother was afraid to call her and visit with her. He didn't.
"I care about you and I was sad to hear about your loss. Your friendship means a lot to me."
These simple connections can be "a bridge over troubled water."
Did someone once write that or did I just make it up. (wink)
Peace on ya Cara and on ya'll.
Bill
Seriously, though, you are right: that 'outsider' situation is difficult. I'm afraid your brother is in a large club of those who op out of contact. On the other hand, however, maybe this is what makes bridge building's contact so sweet when it comes.
May infinite joys come for a visit,
Cara
Here in Portland somewhere below the Tapeats.
Bill
(Although, the other day he was playing Christmas carols on his father's piano. I take it as a good sign.)
Peace to you all,
Gail
I just happened to notice that my response to yours is missing. Frankly, I'm not sure what happened. something these situations remind me of the lost socks in the dryer. Perhaps they, and missing responses are at a conference in cyberspace.
Your situation is tricky, indeed. Your husbands' grief sounds like it may be fallling into what we call 'complicated bereavement.' I surely agree with you, that the playing of those Christmas carols on dad's piano is a beginning. Meanwhile, keep plugged into your own life, as you seem to be doing. He is a mighty llucky man to have you as his partner. Your empathy is palpable.
May ease come to your door soon. You are each in my heart.
Cara
Consider me your latest fan. You should know, as well, that I am discerning! Truly, you are the kinid of man that we would welcome at our table. So often, especially during the holidays, the belief is that it is the food or the gifts that nourish. They are not. What nourishes us best is what touches our heart with what is real, warm, sincere, and acknowledging. How proud your father would be, I do believe, in raising such a son.
I share your feelings deeply. For a long time I have believed that what we most need in school curriculum is as much an emphasis on 'Inner Education' as on outer. In this way, we are better prepared for dealing with the realities of life in ways that are meaningful. It is stunning, isn't it, what lemmings we humanoids are, when it comes to dealing with death, other powerful losses, and heartbreak. The pattern seems to be 'wait until someone else initiates' as if to 'step up,' will break something. The fact is that the breakage is already present, as the elephant in the room.
You are a brave and caring man. I am so grateful you've done what you've done, that you have dropped by here today, as a bright and shining example of the experience of loss, feeling lost, embracing the reality, and stepping out onto the playing field to do what must be done.
Joy your way,
Cara
I went to school from the late 1950s to the mid-1970s, and never in any class was there mention of how to deal with death. I'm sure the schools felt it's a personal issue to be discussed in the family, but my parents, though average, didn't talk about death except when their own relatives died, after which there was normal sadness in the family for a while. I think I partly learned how to deal with death through osmosis that way, but I think I could have used some more specific help over the years, though I wound up dealing pretty well with my Dad's death, aided also by brief conversations since then, between my Mom and I and my siblings, that we miss Dad, and looking at more pictures, telling stories, etc.
I know you have your own loss of your son and are so willing to bring such a deeply personal subject to light.
I recall a dear friend who lost her 12 year old daughter suddenly and tragically. It was so emotional for all, and I felt desperate for something to do. I found a small stone with a daisy on it and a single word that seemed perfect for her. When we went through the receiving line after the burial, I just kissed her and placed it in her hands. I agree the small gestures communicate love, understanding and sometimes is all that matters.
Thank you for such an important post!
k
When it all is said and done, it is the simple, small, and even 'free' gestures that speak volumes.
I am so grateful for you, and your sharing. Will you be writing next week? I've missed you!
Cara
www.bruisedandbattered.com
My question is what is helping you? This is a long, long road. Any of your Wisdom is most welcome.
As for 'daring to link' this on your FB, you have my invitation to do so. We 'sisters' must stick together. Love is like that, isn't it?
May you be well.
May your heart remember to beat.
When it is time to receive the new, may it come your Way in the arms of the Greatest Good.
May you honor yourself, and the burden you've been carrying.
May you know that you are not alone.
May you be blessed in ways that the small mind cannot imagine.
May love greet you at every door.
May those who know this Way, come into your life with encouraging ways.
Peace and special remembering of your boy this time of year and always. With gratitude for each of you,
Cara
Yeah is a club that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. What helps? Well, I guess I'm just a survivor and have read that is 5-7 years things might be better, or stop feeling worse. That is a very long time from now, but I look for little hopes when I can. I was ok the first year, still working and pretty numb. Then about 10 months after my son died I lost my company, where he'd been working with me so I lost all of our shared dreams. Then things got worse. I used all of my savings and went into debt just to live. That is not very hopeful is it? At the 18 month point it got worse, triggered by emptying out all of my storage unit and all of the artifacts of my life with my son, his stuff and mine that he wanted me to save for him. I spiraled down. But then started a secret restaurant in my home. My son and I loved cooking together, so I try to conjure him when I'm cooking for strangers. I've been lucky that my personal trainer started leaving her son with me to babysit, and then she had another one that I watch once a week. I guess it is loving children that is keeping me alive, and staying busy. I don't have any family and hate it when people say, "live for them." I'm trying to live for myself.
I suspect your husband's family doesn't know how to handle the situation. Feel free to pass along the article. Anything that I can do to be helpful is what brings my heart delight.
One question: what was your relationship like with your father-in-law? It would be helpful to know in terms of further response. My ex-father-in-law was such a teacher of kindness for me, so even after divorce of many years, I was with him the last few weeks of his life as he was dying from cancer. Sometimes love runs across family lines, and ignores the label of 'ex.'
All good things your way today, and especially this season. I am with you, as is that Greater Love that alone heals. The first sign of growth, (our purpose here) begins with doubt and questions such as 'what do I do now?' You are on your way. Bravo.
Cara
Love your way, khanti,
Cara
At that time we never thought it would lived that long. We brought it back in a shoe box. The vet said his spime was broken and is paralysed half way. He also cannot control his bowel movement and had to wear pampers. My wife and me are dog people, we have no intention to keep cats especially my wife, who complain that cat poop is very stinky. Looking at Dana we thought, well as Buddhists we cannot put it to sleep. Let's keep it and see how long it can live, at least let it live out its bad karma this life. I told my wife there are many ways to practice compassion taking cat of a sick cat is one. My wife dutifully changed pampers and bath Dana every day. Sliding across on his pampers Dana was still full of zest for life. He became one of the family and my wife became fond of him. In the past year Danas health detiorated and it passed away two days ago. She grieved when he died.
My mom wants to spend Christmas alone. I'm never sure what to say or do, as though we lost different people in our lives. It's ok to want time alone, right?
Til then, peace and blessings for your own healing,
Cara
Last night I didn't sleep, thinking about what you and another reader shared. The whole issue of multiple losses can just be too much for our psyche (Soul), and takes a great deal of time to integrate. Some six weeks after my son was killed, my brother figure committed suicide. I was furious with him. In fact, were I to be honest, I would tell you that it took me quite some time to let the anger go, and grieve in other ways for the bro, to realize how much he was dealing with at the time, and to forgive myself for not being as available as I would have liked, had it not been for the intense mama heart mourning for my own boy. Simply put, loss has its own calendar, and finds its way through our heart by different avenues. Know that it is more than 'o.k.' to spend time alone, for this is where the healing enters the heart, and does what it must to attend the wound. Surely you and your mother have lost another facet of your brother. September was not so long ago, truly. Be good to you. Be gentle with your process. Let me know how you are doing. Next week, I will do what I can to say more. In the meantime, I take questions very seriously, for I know when you speak your Truth, many heal.
Love and blessings to you,
Cara
Also, don't lie. If you don't intend to do something don't offer to do it. Don't say, "Oh, I'll totally be there for you if you need something just ask." and then turn around and back pedal a week later when they actually ask you to do something. If you're willing to do something then be willing to do something but empty words are the absolute worst.
And, as was stated in the article, never EVER say I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did you kill the person? Then you have nothing to be sorry about so DON'T SAY IT!
How are you this week?
I'd love to hear,
Cara
Many thanks for your contribution.
Cara
One thing you can say say is that "I will always cherish the memories of your loved one". That validates their love and often elicits a warm and welcome smile.
And do what you can to celebrate the life of their loved one when they are ready. We now do a tribute on Mother's Day to acknowldghe a great woman - it really helps.
http://www.BouncingBackNow.com
How lucky am I that you dropped by. Know that you are cherished, my dear.
A marvelous holiday your way. What are you doing to celebrate life this year?
I'm listening,
Cara