On the heels of viewing the new film entitled "Waiting for Superman" by the award winning David Guggenheim, Jamil walks into my office, puts down his i-phone and proclaims: "I'd run for the school board, if I could. I knew we were in trouble with the schools. It was bad enough in Kenya, so we came here. But, frankly, I had no idea how bad the problem really is in the States. I thought we were protected because we're in a good neighborhood. I don't want to admit it, but I was wrong. These kids need help, and I've always been sort of a 'do-gooder.' But I don't have time." Jamil is a 47-year-old high-powered corporate exexcutive in the Internet game. He continues: "After I retire, I'll look into doing something. There are people on the Board, just like the city council, who don't know their foot from a frisbie. Right now, I just don't have time. It's frightening, though." Fear grows whenever we refuse to face it squarely.
Nancy, who is a transplant from London, postpones her own plan: " Now I don't know what to do about my 50th birthday trip. I've got my tickets to Paris, and then back home to London. But now, with this 'terrorist chatter streaming' (whatever that means), I'm going to wait until next year. You just never know. The government gives such a mixed message, like 'don't worry, but stay cautious.' What's that supposed to mean? Is this another 'just go shopping' message to get the economy back in shape? I don't know what or who to believe." Fear of the unknown leads to procrastination.
Neither does Jon. This Amsterdam man knows his heart's desire, and describes it: "What I'd really like to do is write the screen play, the way I want, and go to the intensive with Robert Redford next July, but the probability of me having anything accepted is next to 'nil.' They wouldn't like what I want to write, anyway. Who am I kidding?" Like Nancy and Jamil, this past week, Jon talks himself out of what he really wants, before he's barely 'out of the gate.' Fear gnaws away at our heart's desire, if we let it. Like many of us, Jon is unwittingly colluding in keeping fear alive. Each of the three, in the past week alone, is deadening their dream.
How about you? How do you and I defeat ourselves when we've only just begun? What is it that really makes us hesitate, beneath our cover story? And why do we hesitate to tell the truth about our fear? Why do we 'fake it?' Just check out the latest survey of American sexual experience for a slant on this, where 64 percent of American women said that they reached orgasm the last time they were intimate, versus the 85 percent of men who said their most recent female partner reached climax. Why the different report? Is it because men are not 'seeing' the truth of their partner's experience? (see "How Well Do You See What's in Front of Your Nose? 5 Steps You Can Take to Get Back on Track") Are their partners 'faking it', or is it the male inflation that tells the story?
If so, why? We fear we will be found lacking. Notice how the very thought makes the ego squirm. We forget who we really are is enough. Hence, the politician wants to please, be seen as extraordinary, fearless, above the pack. There's a hint from the dare devils in Australia seen on youtube jumping a volcano in Amyran Island, posing in full-blown testosterone, as if immune from potential boiling lava, should a fall occur. Watch the dared-devil mud slinging as November draws closer, and it's time to vote again in the U.S.A..
We do our best to show the world our best, for fear of what might be the consequence were we to admit we are 'in wobble'. The fact is that America, as is the rest of the world, is wobbling. Why is it that we fear the same vulnerability the earth endures, autumn after autumn, year after year? Without shedding what's no longer needed, new growth will never come. In the forest, maybe thirty yards away, maple and oak shed their leaves, unresisting. We, on the other hand, fight 'tooth and nail' being bared, ourselves.
By seeking refuge in our cover-up stories, we are saying that we dare not run the risk of expressing our simple truth, and truest nature. We fear it will not be enough. Hence, worsening smear campaigns with each election. Everywhere we look, politicians hesitate from communicating their position without inflammatory remarks about their opponent. They are a rude reminder of our shadow selves, reflecting something not-so-pleasant. We are afraid we are not loved 'as is.'
What we need, more than anything, is to cultivate faith in who we are, and to what we aspire. The first step, as the season reminds us, is to let go of what no longer has life, including our habitual excuses, and fears. We need to come out of our hiding places, and the tendency for magical thinking that some day an insurance plan will arrive announcing it's 'safe' to move forward, and dare to do what we've been postponing that's in the truth in our hearts. And meanwhile? We need to forgive ourselves for our fumblings, our mistakes, our angry words, our ignorance, our pretense. We need to begin anew, announcing to the world that we are here, as is, in very human form, wanting to become better partners to what's before us, desiring to leave this place better off than we found it. There's something to be said about the adage: "If you shoot for the moon and don't make it, at least you'll end up in the stars." The important thing is not to give up on what prompts you to partnership. Says poet Mary Oliver:
"I want to be
In partnership
With the universe
Like the tiger lily
Poking up
Its gorgeous head
Among the so-called
Useless weeds
In the uncultivaterd fields
That still abide.
But it's okay
If, after all,
I'm not a lily,
But only grass
In a clutch of curly grass
Waving in the wind,
Staring sunward: one of those
Sweet, abrasive blades."
3 Steps You Can Take to Get 'Back in the Saddle' When Intimidated by Fear:
1. Practice cultivating a friendship with the Unknown for at least 30 minutes a day. If you must procrastinate, procrastinate procrastination for 30 minutes a day.
2. Face your fear squarely when it rears it's ugly head today. Notice what hooks you. Apply 'hook-us' interuptus in the following way. For 30 seconds, close your eyes. Breathe. Imagine your fear washing through your system, and release it.
3. Reconnect with your heart's desire every morning before you get up. Begin with recalling your gratitude for the microscopic. Move on to gratitude for what is in your heart prompting you to action. Nourish yourself by remembering that you are not what you do, or fail to do. You are loved for being you. Give yourself a 'high five' in the mirror before you get dressed. Watch what happens!
Bonus step: check out the following: waitingforsuperman.com to see what you can do in your area if, like Jamil, the educational crisis speaks to you.
What helps you shift from fear to courage? Where would you like to 'get back in the saddle?' Where would you like to deepen your partnership in your world?
For updates, contact me at carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail To save time, click on Become A Fan. Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love." Follow Dr. Cara Barker on www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker.
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Anne Naylor: 7 Ways To Build Your Confidence
Ed and Deb Shapiro: Does Fear Rule Your Life?
mr pema is quiet excited at having it sent to him, i send him anything i think he would like and he has specifically asked me to always send your blogs.
i am reading the blog for the third time and i am chewing on some stuff...my brain is as tough as mini mart jerky lately. (i will send my uber simple uber good recipie, it came from martha stewart)
may i write you at gmail?
First, let med thank you for forwarding these pieces to Mr. Pema. One thought: to save you energy, (right now with the 'paw,' I'm all about saving energy) you could suggest he hit the 'fan' icon, and then he automatically gets it, and you don't have to use neurons to remember. (I'm also conserving neurons!)
The 'paw and I,' (as opposed to the "King and I" are learning to walk again in baby steps. Inch by inch, updated cast by updated cast. What a teacher this is turning out to be for me. Lot's and lots of lessons.
Have a fab week. I can't wait to see you here, Wednesday. Stock up the joy moments, in between now and then.
Love,
Cara
P.S. the gmail is fine, but, honestly, I've got a major back-log to address there, daunting, really. Writing here would be a much faster 'return' on your investment of time and energy.
Much appreciation, Pema, out your way, and Mr. Pema's too!
mr pema doesnt surf at work. so i c & p them and he reads them during lunch. its ok. about the backlog, at times posting something just isn't meant for public consumption ;) prolly a signal i need to work it out on my own.
wubbies
Lioness and I have had a small break-through. ...I'm sure you recall our saga. Well, we had a long - 3 hour-ish - conversation about fear.
Curiously enough, she was surprised to learn I, too have fears and am afraid. She had thought the brave have no fear, but quite the contrary, knowing full well the down-sides of our actions is precisely what makes an action brave when we continue on anyway. Just as the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference, so too, the opposite of fear isn't bravery but foolhardiness (or insanity). This was a very eye-opening observation for her and she made great steps forward.
One key is she was able to name the fear that kept her from seeing me; she says she does not know if she wants a committed relationship and so she has fear that she would be leading me on and would then be responsible for my broken heart if that later came to pass. I told her that she was trading off the possibility for the loss of joy in an unknowable future for a guaranteed loss of joy as we both miss out on the joy of today. I told her that it hurt me less for us to see each other and enjoy today, a day we actually have, than to try and protect me from some later loss - I am up for that risk.
(continued)
.
She asked about "being taken care of," an apparent concern, but she never finished the thought. She said she doesn't want to be alone when she grows old, she has strong fear of that, but she is also fearful someday she won't want a committed relationship. I told her I was afraid she would stay away from me now and later, when she's no longer spry, no longer able-bodied, come to me only then. (She objected.) I told her that what I want is her time, now, just to be with her, commitment desired but unnecessary, just to be physically with her. Our time is the most valuable thing we have and I want to spend mine with her. Thankfully, she agreed.
We've now begun a discussion about when I'll visit next.
Unmistakably, we are a couple, have an unspoken commitment, love each other passionately, she wants me in her life, today, and fear is being pushed aside. And I'm glad for that.
Lion
which reminds me: quesss what? A marvelous person, I've only recently met, just gifted us a 'lion brass door knocker!' Could he be tuning in? You know that I'll be thinking of you and the Lioness each time I open and close the front door.
Peace and blessings,
Carqa
Thank you, Cara, for creating these threads for us to have discussions like this - and your active participation with us in our comments. As corny as it may sound to some ears, I love you for supporting all of us, and for who you are. We need - we all need - people like you in our lives to help bring out our stories and give us a place to have discussions we need to have but otherwise have no place to have them. ...Value to the community, you are. Value to humanity, and dare I say, life itself, you are. Thank you.
Love right back 'at cha.'
Cara
I do not mention the country, for many there are my dear friends in my work, ... and I do not mention my company, for I still have to pay my rent!
What I will share is that I have no pit in my stomach for this, ... no fear in the way I have known it several times before in life.
I am no spiritual master of any kind, but it has come to me in this instance, ... that I am more a counselor in this instance, than a potential victim, and in that there is comfort. My younger colleagues feel fear in the worst sense, hide from view, attempt to disappear. They can't of course. And so I tell them as often as I can who they truly are. I counsel them that they have always been valuable to me, truthfully, and that they can count upon me.
It lifts my fear to tell my colleagues how excellent they are at their work. No lies, simply truth. These days are not made of truth in any other ways than these. Encouragement in the face of adversity seems a good use of our days.
Wish you well dear friend!
I am with you and your friends. So much going on all around us. could this be an early peek into 2012 prep? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Hugs and love your way,
Cara
Don't forget to take time off this weekend from all fear! and, lots of time for lots of comfort!
Yes, my friend, kings of nations or in our own heads (egos) hate to be deposed, don't they? Recently, I've had big teachings on this matter in the whole realm of recovery from surgery. Poor little ego has a nasty way of insisting the old norm is possible today! This is a time of letting go of the old, and the restrictive that interfer with the healing process........... both my own and our world's.
I'm always so happy to meet you here. I do hope all is well with you, my dear.
Love and blessings,
Cara
I think life involves a great deal of discovering where fear is guiding our lives. Until we realize that our decisions are coming from somewhere other than our desires and mores, we cannot come to terms with what is holding us back. As you know, I've changed my life considerably during the last year, and as thrilled as I am with my new opportunities, I see myself failing to do some things still because I convince myself that it is useless before I even begin. I'm amazed at how many decisions I made before Kindergarten that are still in place and have not been re-visited. With me, it's not just what instills fear but also what ignites my anger. Fortunately, quite often I can realize that I'm gearing up to rage over something silly and can reverse the tide.
I hope you're doing well.
your friend,
little brother
more later, now to work.
Love,
Cara
Well, it took longer to get back to you than I wished. This week has been very demanding in the treatment department. Really seeing too many clients. Got to cut that out!
Re your comment on the healing: it is slow going. The surgeon is saying I'm at best 25% back, and it will take until January's end to be 90% back in the game. Ah, well, what a lesson and opportunity to 'get' at a deeper level of acceptance "for everything, a season............"
That said, the 'season' is always right to wish you love and send you gratitude,
Cara
What helps you shift from fear to courage?
fear is usually in the past or the future - what will happen to me
and the past fears that haunt
it also has a sense of
F - false
E - evidence
A - appearing
R - real
courage is when i face my fear real or imaginary
being able to be with what is (not always perfect)
Love is letting go of fear is a good mantra :-))
love,
Cara
There is a book written by Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda, 'How To Live Without Fear And Worry'.
A few people thinking about committing suicide changed their mind after reading this book.
The late Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda also wrote many books one of them is 'Why Worry'. He also did a translation of the Dhammapada from Pali to English. He is a Buddhist monk and chief of the Maha Vihara Buddhist Temple in Malaysia.
http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=AqQznXZF8AriFmDnpfHXBcibvZx4?fr=yfp-t-701-s&toggle=1&cop=mss&ei=UTF8&fp_ip=my&p=how%20to%20live%20without%20fear%20and%20worry%20sri%20dhammananda
Let me get back to you re your question on my next break.
With gratitude and admiration,
Cara
A good "fear" story. I was just in Starbucks about 30 minutes ago and was standing next to Dr. Deepak Chopra. Both of us were waiting for our drinks. I was afraid to even say hello. I really wish I had. It was cool to see him in person. Sometimes working on transiton from fear to self-confidence is a work in progress. LOL
I hope you're doing well.
Ebony
I'm so,so glad to see you here, and to hear from you. You are the best medicine for a doc who needs it. Actually, today is my first day back at the clinic, and it has been long, long, long with my foot up on the ottoman. You are the perfect 'dessert.'
You are so right about the fear of being wrong, or imperfect. I'd add, the fear of being misunderstood, unseen in terms of true intent. No small wonder Avatar was such a hit. As a people we yearn for connection, and are frightened of anything that might threaten it.
So, my dear: tell me this............exactly what was the fear/monkey chatter that froze your wish to speak.
I want to hear what you observed inside the pesky mind that stiffled your heart.
What was it?
Listening and loving you,
Cara
I'm very happy your foot is back to a healthy state.
Much Love,
Ebony
I certainly have been one to become paralyzed by fear and sabotage success before it arrives. I am sure many of us do to some extent. Being grateful is a wonderful tool to access a sense of self forgiveness, and the courage to plow forward in life - like an abrasive blade!
Waiting For Superman has an amazing twin film out there, called, "Race to Nowhere" that is another must see about the status of youth today... Thanks lady!
You, I adore,
Cara
love and light
jason
I am soooooooooo happy to hear from you, and see your face here. You know, Jason, when you 'disengaged this summer,' I noticed and missed you. But, if truth be told, (and what else is worth telling?) I trusted that what looked like disengagement on the outside was really re-engagement on the inside. I know these times, and have been clearly 'in the cave' with the phenomenon, myself. Growth requires the dark, the incupation, the removal of all watches.
What are you enjoying most these days in particular? I'd love to hear the specifics.
You are a gem, my friend, a brilliant gem, shining in our world,
Cara
Lookin' good with a beard my friend! Nice to see you back.
kari
Cara
Well, as so often happens, we are on the same wavelength, operating from the One Mind that is obviously desirous of expressing the message of the importance of knowing the truth of who we are.
Your writing so resonates with my own current process of having "fallen off the horse" and finding my way back on. But first, I must make friends with where I am, here in the spiritual desert. This is what I've written about in my post today, just down the block.
Thank you, dear sister, for always being the voice of wisdom and a light in the darkness.
Love and blessings your way,
Judith
Looking back on it, my period of living in the desert was a brutal and beautiful teacher. It surely took time to find the beauty, but I am better for it. We are, indeed, fellow pilgrims on the path, regardless the phase we are in at the present time. I say, keep riding, keep resting, keep writing, no matter what.
Love and gratitude,
Cara
My love, Lioness, is still afraid.
Recall that she has been longing for me these last 25 years and finally reached out last April, explaining that she has been among the walking dead. I went to visit her the last week of August, and it was wonderful. I asked her how she felt at many points along the way, and she used words like "natural", "happy", "peaceful", "joy", she said that when we're together "it just feels right."
We agreed, I'd come see her for a week every month until we live together, but every time I propose a date, she says no. Last time we spoke of it, two days ago, she said no because she is afraid, but of what, she cannot say. She says there must be a reason for her fear and anxiety, and then said she didn't want to talk about it. Against her wishes to discuss it some other time, I closed the call by pointing out that she is taking Zanax (sp?) for fear and anxiety and said that if she cannot point to a reason, maybe there isn't one, just as she's taking Zanax to quell fears she has for no reason.
Now, we've had the longest silence since my visit - 4 hours short of 2 days - as we nearly always talk twice a day, usually for hours at a time.
I do not know how to help her combat her fear.
My heart aches for a solution.
I really want her to read your article above, but know she might ignore it if I email her a URL. So, I have printed out the article above and am sending it to her in a "care package" I'm just about to send. I subtracted the three steps, though, because she's over-the-top sensitive to any suggestion that could be even remotely taken as me, or anyone, telling her what to do. (I can only imagine what brought that on, but I'm pretty good about avoiding it.) ...I might suggest, though, that she seek out the original article online, "for more insight."
Your thoughts always welcome,
Lion
Oh, dear. I am with you in the silence. It sounds like Lioness is courting something deep within Her, and these things take time. Perhaps it is not a time for words? Perhaps the medication is creating fog, but this might not be it, either. Methinks some new life, the underbelly of the fear, is coming to the fore. That said, if this is so, new sprouts really 'speak' in imagery, first. This is their first language. Maybe, in lieu of words, you could forward one photo/doodle, whatever, that warms your heart, and creates a bridge................. Just a little love offering.
Meanwhile, let's get to you, my friend. What are you doing to care for yourself during this 'bardo' time, where things are not yet formed and clear?
Let me know. I'll return for your answer.
Love, and hope your way,
Cara
Insightful you are; she is a painter who expresses her inner self through it. On her pay, she barely makes enough to survive and not enough for canvas, so I sent her some money and with part of it she has just bought some canvas and other materials. Two days ago she made her first sketch since moving on from her former life - the one she was "caged" in back in April when she found me. She sent me a photo of it and she later talked about crafting it to have features of me. (She says she sees me / us in much of / most of her art.)
I make images with words - I'm a poet. I have just written her a poem entitled "I do not love" in which I address all the impediments that I see to our success - maybe dangerous.
I remembered her use of stationary so long ago and finding none suitable, I created some, just for us to use as love notes in long-hand, and I sent her a first long-hand letter with it yesterday.
I am extraordinarily patient, but I ask myself why I am the one who always must wait. This process has not been kind to me in many ways, but I know I must wait. I must be patient. Right now I sit out the silence without further contact to her; we truly are bound somehow and I know she will come to me eventually.
May I say one thing regarding posts surrounding this one?
There was a time, so long ago, when language and dance were one. Now they are divided, and sometimes often when we choose, we choose language, and dance awaits immobile, silent.
A huge part of me thinks I was meant to die in a 2003 head on collission because, again, statisically insane things have happened to me, and none of my own making (if I caused them then I could just change my behavior).
Well, got that off my chest.
Hang in there. There is gold in the compost, even if it doesn't look like it.
Be back later, during a break in sessions,
Cara
Let's work it out...................
I'm listening and sending you many, many wishes for good surprises, and unexpected blessings. The pendulum ALWAYS swings back in the equal and opposite direction. It's a law of physics.
I look foward to hearing more on the above and will check in later,
Cara
But the Cancer, then PE, then a bad reaction to coumandin. I think two parts here
Blessings
What helps me beat the fear? I use the baby steps approach. I always wanted to play ice hockey. Started at age 54. Everytime I played I faced fear. (There was this guy named Bear. He was big and good.) I crossed over a threshold of fear. It got easier. I became more brave.
A couple years ago I started speaking in public. At first, very scared. Now, not so much.
Its not naked sky diving over molten lava. Its baby steps. Doing things I love to do and overcoming a little fear. Crossing a even little threshold of fear helps. The other side is joyful. Babysteps.
Now that other thing you asked. Part of it is "male inflation." (Hey that's what we do - inflate.) Part of it is the "lesser orgasm syndrome." How can you tell with some of the lesser ones? (winks)
Peace on your big bad beautiful self,
Bill
I'm with you, Montana man. So many times I've strived for the Big Leaps, only to discover they were highly over-rated. The goodies, for me, remain in the Little Way. True, there are no neon lights, here. However, what does come through, loud and clear, is that radiant Light from discovering the overlooked. It is in the Baby Steps that I find connection, courage, celebration, and yes, the humor.
Right now I've got a splendid opportunity for all of the above. No big steps or leaps allowed, from where I sit.
As for 'lesser orgasm syndrome,' say more, you rascal. Double dog dare..............
Love and laughter,
Cara
Double dog dare? "Oh I had a little one," she said. Lesser orgasm sydrome. How is a guy to know? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Its what is.
Bill