How Civil Are You Being To 'You-Know-Who'?

"Where I was born and where and how I have lived is unimportant. It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest."
-Georgia O'Keeffe

It's unclear whether it was today's news, or the enjoyment of the theatrical production of "Wicked," a few days ago, that most prompted this piece. The musical expresses the age-old story of betrayal, and redemption, coupled with the reality that things are not what they may seem to be. Who's 'good' and whose 'evil' is not so clear, just as is the case in breaking news. Of course, human ego clings to the belief that 'we' are the ones in the 'white hats.' But, heroes and villains are likely to be the underbelly of one another.

Recall the enduring myths of our times. They are so compelling, because they reveal the bones of the human psyche. Throughout the Harry Potter series, by J.K. Rowling, there's an abundant reference to 'You-know-who,' a very scary 'Dark Side of the Force', (as it was known in the, "Star Wars" epic). Our tendency is to see the unpleasant and frightening as 'other,' beyond our control, and external, which only the heroic dare confront. Archetypal characters like Harry, Ron, and Hermione, take on what the Muggle in us avoids, winning our hearts through their undaunted courage and human frailties. They challenge themselves to face their fears, demons, and recollect their projections. Their devotion to becoming all that they can, by serving what is greater than fear, makes us cheer them on, while appreciating their frailties. Their 'civility project' begins with that face staring back in the mirror.

Part of the brilliance of transformational stories is that they frame the real struggle as an 'inside job.' This could not be further from the case in most of the daily news, which explains why it is so depleting. In our Muggles world, finger pointing, blame, and even worse, forms the norm. When 'hot buttons' are pushed, as with the description of new terrorist plots amongst us, raw, unprocessed feelings threaten anyone in their way, much as the devastating Georgia floods these past few days. Beware what is in the path of unbridled elements. Signs of the 'Dark' side of "You-know-who" abound. Look at the reports including the mother of five, and her children are found slaughtered in Florida. Across the country, in Washington State, a Spokane hospital housing the criminally insane decide to take inmates on a fieldtrip to the county fair, whereupon one of them, who'd murdered an elderly woman brutally some years back, escaped the grounds, eventually. Over a week ago, two anniversaries came and went: the first anniversary of the downhill economic spiral, beginning with the crash and burn of Lehman Brothers, as well as the 8th anniversary of 9/11. While a great deal of press focused on them, the crucial question was not addressed. Who're we becoming from these events? Who're you today that differs from one, or eight years ago? How have we grown from the challenges, or how have we stepped backwards, like our Muggles friends, into smaller, more mechanical, gray ways of passing through the days?

Option One. One popular approach to the unexpected is recent outbursts. The cries of 'foul ball' come from endless characters on various stages: U.S. Rep Joe Wilson's at the President, Serena William's at the referee, and Kanye West's at Taylor Swift. It's easy to ask: 'what's with these meltdowns?' It's also easy to judge and enjoin the other to 'take a chill pill.'

Reactionary Choices, Muggle Moments. The truth is that all of us have our moments when our 'Muggleness' sticks our foot 'in it,' unleashing words that do not show us at our best. Perhaps our meltdown moment is not even a public affair, and nobody else knows that we've attacked our very own personhood. This does not make self-attacks one iota less toxic. Turning against the highest in our nature, we find ourselves attacking others as though we were unconnected. When I attack the dignity and humanity of another, I am attacking the Spirit. There's no one else 'out there.'

One thing is certain, however. Meltdowns come when whatever's been brewing has insufficient time, space, and reflection to channel upset into the productive action. Civility is an inside job. Outbursts reflect a reactionary stance.

In her interview on C.N.N., Serena describes herself as "...playing from anger." Apparently, this is how she organizes herself to focus her reserves when she is on the court. Joe Wilson plays from accusation. Former President Jimmy Carter plays from challenging us with uncomfortable questions, enjoining us to look more deeply at our own secret unconscious projections, prejudicial stances, and refusals to forgive. President Obama plays from reconciliation, and bridge-building.

Option 2. Jay Leno played from a position of connection, during his interview with Kanye West, demonstrating civility. With minimum words, and maximum spacious kindness, he offered Kanye the space to begin his reparation process with his own dragons, a fight having nothing to do with Swift, and everything to do with ego-identity, and what transcends it. It takes a big person to be humbled. It takes a powerful connection with the other hidden side of 'You-Know-Who" to acknowledge:

"I was wrong."
"You are right."
"Please forgive me."
"Please allow me to clean up the mess I've made."
"Let's begin anew."

What about us? How do we organize our own response when our dreams are met with what seems to be disaster? From what position and perspective do we play? Anger? Disappointment? Attack? Victimization? Gratitude? Compassion? Love? Gandhi put it this way:

"My life is my message."

The other side' of the "You-know-who" is love. Love is the best of us breaking through our deeds every time we choose to 'do better.' Not the moving of mountains, but the moving of minds toward becoming more courteous, is opening our hearts to what is beautiful, healing, and generative of collaboration. Surely we have a long way to go. But, in the meantime, a suggestion for our Muggle Moments is to do an inventory of the past 24 hours. What's been the message we've been sending by how we've been living today? Is our message fear or love-based? Have we projected our own shortcomings as well as desirable qualities, onto others' shoulders to carry for us? Or, are we finding ways to forgive ourselves for our meltdowns, and praise our imperfect attempts for reconciliation with the love that called us here? Do we dare do more with what we've been given?

A special note to readers: It's great to be back, read all your generous comments, questions, requests. I will respond to them in the coming weeks, beginning next Wednesday with an article focusing on 'Calling Back Your Spirit.' Thanks for forwarding our work together to your contacts. Blessings your way!

 

 

Comments

[dhyland]

Cara and all,

What a beautiful post! What this deepens for me is what I'll assert is a simple truth about life: By continuing to do the "inside work" of remembering and living from the awareness that we are all connected, we have full power to create a world that works for everyone. War is not outside of us, nor is peace. Lack is not outside of us, nor is abundance. Hate is not outside of us, nor is love.

I appreciate what Judith said about having the altitude , or higher awareness, to really take on living consistent with civility as you have defined it here. This takes rigor, commitment, and a profound caring.

Cara, thank you for caring enough to pour your soul into these posts every week and put yourself out there in a way that evokes others to do the same.

Love and blessings,
Dawnelle

[Gnrshrtd]

So good to see you back. And with a bang! A lot of thought provoking material.

Your article sparked a thought I've had about so many recent events: Self-Sabotage.

I've observed the behaviors in your article, and so much in them appears to be people not acting in their own best interest - but just reacting. The tragic part is when it seems they suffer from their own actions.

The example you gave of Mr Leno's approach to Mr. West's interview was a jewel. I felt as bewildered as Miss Swift appeared to be by the incident. I didn't see the Leno/West interview - but I do believe in opportunities for redemption, and was glad to read of it.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Miss Cara,

I started a comment here yesterday and it went into "nowheresville". I laughed to read your post yesterday as once again, we're on the same topic, different approach. Great minds..... well, you know.

Thank you for putting our Muggles moments into the mythic context of our times. We're definitely in a prolonged dip into the "dark side" of our collective psyche. If we could only maintain awareness that we too are engaged in our own mythic narrative, we might be able to see the events of our lives with some altitude and find our way through them more gracefully.

You so masterfully carry that awareness! Thank you for being an oasis of sanity in these very "unsane" times.

I'm glad you're back. We've missed you..........

Much love to you dear sister,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Judith,

Oh, do I know Muggle moments. Of course, it is comforting to know that this is part of the path required for growth. Thanks for your beautiful comments, and article.

Love,
Cara

[ejones3]

Welcome Back Cara!

I'm not going to lie. I think I've been channeling my inner Serena Williams lately. I don't know what it is, but lately I have felt my stifled voice needing to be released and not knowing how to put it in curtly words. It's like a baby with horrible gas, he/she gets soo upset that they CAN'T release it. It's all the battle within, which is a tough battle to fight.

Because I follow Serena and Kayne, I can say that the common issue between them and maybe many of us feeling our Egos more is that they haven't allowed themselves time to grieve. Both of them suffered sudden and devastating loses. Doesn't give anyone an excuse to crap on another, but it explains that necessary element in our lives. We rieve more than just people, but losses of any kind and I know there are many things upon which I haven't stopped to allow myself to reflect because life moves soo quickly.

I hope your vacation gave you much time of reflection.

Ebony

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi, Ebony! Many thanks for your comments, and taking the time to reflect and bring your Wisdom Voice through the fray. You have a truly remarkable way of expressing your perspective and your truth. It inspires me every single time.

Take heart regarding the challenges of late. Many of us can relate 100%. So, my dear, as my friend Maya Angelou put it to me once, "Let's just keep on keepin' on!"

Know that love and appreciation are coming your way,
Cara

[BZ49]

It is so easy to point fingers at others, and so difficult to acknowledge one's own frailties, but the latter is where the real work and growth lie. Good on you for pointing that out!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

What a joy to hear from you, '49'. My experience surely lines up with your own: the tough stuff turns out to be the best compost for growth. It's a good one to remember in the really trying times.

Drop by again. Your comments are always illuminating and to the point.

Much appreciation,
Cara

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi Cara, welcome back.

What's a story without conflict? For me, man vs. himself has always been the most compelling theme. Tales of growth, development, struggle and coming of age are so universal and endearing that they evoke our compassion and empathy and draw us to the protaganist so much that we feel success or failure right along with him or her.

I think that after you strip it down to the core it turns out to be fear and pain vs. love and a zest for life. Even in man vs. man themes, the antagonist is afraid of someting or reacting to pain. Sometimes they want power over others. By being in control, they assure their future needs are met. Other times they want money and stuff. Again they are demonstrating fear and that they are scared of a future without adequate stuff.

I know that it takes a great deal of effort to overcome my fears and act on love when the two are in conflict. I guess it's the same for all of us, just to different degrees.

Wonderful article.

With love,
little brother

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear 'little brother,'

I have no idea of your 'street identity.' But what is so clear, my friend, is who you are at the core. Through your offering, I am inspired, touched, grateful. That you are in a world makes an enormous difference. It is quite clear that you've been on the Path of Awakening for quite some time. Keep shining with your own Truth. You make a difference in the darkness.

Tell me about you. I'm listening, and genuinely interested.

With much appreciation,
Cara

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi again,

I log in on HuffPo under several different names. It kind of depends on the mood I'm in. Here in the living section, I try to sign "little brother" to all of my comments no matter how I'm logged in. On political articles it doesn't matter which name or if anyone knows I'm the same person. But here in the living section where people are open and personal, I think it's important to make sure You know when you're talking to one person. At first, before I realized the compassion on your and some other's posts, I was commenting under either name but I came to realize that was not fair or kind. So, you'll also see me as MerhabaAbi and RadicalRepublican.

I am.

love,
little brother

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Yes, absolutely an inside job. I can't seem to finish marvelling at the ultimate simplicity of what it would take to make the world a better place. It's so far from fiction and fantasy and utopia. It's a 'job' and it can be done. And there's so little why we shouldn't be able to ask ourselves and everybody else to do what you describe:

'What's been the message we've been sending by how we've been living today? Is our message fear or love-based? Have we projected our own shortcomings as well as desirable qualities, onto others' shoulders to carry for us? Or, are we finding ways to forgive ourselves for our meltdowns, and praise our imperfect attempts for reconciliation with the love that called us here?'

Who managed to allow the festering myth that we must be miserable? It seems to be all a matter of starting at the right places, where it matters. With the inside job.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for coming by, Diogenes. We are certainly charter members of the same club, you and I. I just love your statement:
"Who managed to allow the festering myth that we must be miserable? It seems to be all a matter of starting at the right places, where it matters. With the inside job."

The way I see it, walking the path of misery only leads to more of "Miseryville." Who needs that, when something so, so much better is available. It all gets down to choice, doesn't it?

How are you, Diogenes? I've missed you in my absence!
Love,
Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

I missed you too in your absence.

Yes, to see that it comes down to choice is enormously helpful already for oneself. Knowing that it's not asking too much of others makes it even better. Almost like a psychodynamic free lunch, or perpetuum mobile or something. :-)

Well, nobody could so far convince me that humans are machines with a prescribed circuit diagram and energy balance that would rule out the possibility of making unlimited amounts of sense.

:-)

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You've put your hand on the pulse of the challenge, as usual, Arithrianos! The 'noise' so often drowns out our Wisdom voice. Ah, well, it is a process, after all, isn't it? My Muggle wishes yours peace. My heart wishes you joy, and kindness your way. Bless you for your ever faithful movement into expanding awareness, through the drone of the everyday. You are not alone, I can assure you of that, my friend. See you next week.

With gratitude,
Cara

[Usedtobequiet]

Dear Cara, so good to hear from you. You've been missed.

I have been brought to my knees lately and have been absolutely humbled. My ego is gasping for breath. Who knows what will be on the other side, but I do know that pain can be utterly transformative. I am trying to stay with it. The lessons are being presented to me in rapid succession every way I turn and there is no escape.

Thank you for being here for me and all of us.

With gratitude and love,
Usedtobequiet

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Hang in there, Usedtobequiet. The psychic 'flu' you are experiencing seems to be all around, us. But, keep the faith: it is always darkest before the Light. Meanwhile, take care of you, keep your knees bent, and find some really good jokes for your immune system to be happy.

Thanks for your personal remarks. I missed you, too. It's great to be back, eventhough I'm having a hard time finding the article on the page, other than the side-bar!

Love,
Cara

[Arithrianos]

The Muggle/EGO comes out when there is the smell of "stupidity" as my ego calls it, i get very mad at work at TP when they don't follow directions, and i have to figure out what they are communicating in order to do my job "right", quality is very important since we are compiling statistical data that will be used to evaluate federal legislation, and TP and preparers are quite creative sometimes at doing it "wrong". You are correct that it dosn't matter that they are not here, my coworkers notice my anger and react to it, not to mention my own peace of mind. I have gotten a lot better over time but still, somedays the muggle runs wild. The good news is i retain awareness and can see the gaps and can mostly throw the runaway train off the tracks soon, but never soon enough. It is interesting that their is usually a voice trying to explain away the "reason" for my anger, and if i only tune in to that the the anger vanishes, but that voice is so quiet, and the madness is so noisy