"How do I know when I've give my girl enough? Casey's been 'on my case' to get her an iphone. I swore I wouldn't. But, I couldn't stand the pestering any more, and broke down and did it. A half-hour later, she's tugging at me for an i-pad. I don't even know what ipads even do!"
Thirty-six-year-old attorney, Lisa, slumps into the chair next to my hearth in the consulting room. She's haggard, upset, self-accusatory.
Casey's nine. An iphone? Please! Her mother protests: "All her best friends have them..." (Casey's friends range from six to nine years old.) Something's wrong with this picture. Alas, despite the economy, this malady's going around. It's called the Excess Flu, a virus that interrupts love.
Similarly, parents Tom and Katherine tell me they've bought Derrick, their eight-year-old, a full set of drums. The next morning, he begs them for an electric guitar and microphone. Believe it or not, they ordered that, too, now complaining: "Derrick doesn't even say 'thank you!" Who, I ask, is feeding this starving little mouth?
When you find yourself overdoing it, giving children choices for which they are unprepared, trouble follows. Why do we do this? The reason lives within. The internal Parent Bully, which too many caregivers house, wreaks havoc in child-raising, leaving parents, and wallets, alike, spent. When you believe that you are not giving your child what they need, (your attention when they need it), Parent Bully goes to town. It badgers, heaping self-recriminations on parents trying to do too much, yet left feeling they are not doing 'a good enough job.'
The Parent Bully at Work: Lisa comes from a home where her poor, uneducated parents were often gone, striving to keep food on the table. Guilty, they plied her with candy bars, as substitute for their presence. Love meant sweet things that could be consumed. Now, gone much of the time, herself, as a single mom, Lisa feels guilty, and gives Casey a 'candy bar' in the form of gadgets. Meanwhile, Tom and Katherine silently 'apologize' for their marital arguments by getting Derrick whatever he wants, especially after he complains of ear-aches following domestic turbulence. These, and many parents, are trying to atone for their sense of their own flawed parenting.
Indicators that Your Kids are in Trouble:
1. When your child fails to say 'thank you,' not in a perfunctory way, but with genuine feeling.
2. No attitude of gratitude.
3. Lack of respect for gifts, as witnessed by disregard of caring for them.
4. You find yourself 'over-explaining' why you've said 'no.'
5. Fast loss of interest: 'on to the next'.
6. Lack of mutual exchange: one way traffic in the giving department.
If you recognize any of these behaviors, remember one thing. You are doing your best. This is not about blame and shame. But, too often, you forget that nothing can replace you as the primo gift to your child. So, give your child, and you, a break!
An Effective Step. I encourage parents like Lisa, Tom, and Katherine to 'fess up' and speak their truth to their children. Meeting with their children, away from home, and in a place without watch, cell phone and other distractions, they share their sadness: that they've missed the time they want to be spending with their child. They pledge to do better, get out their calendars, and arrange a regular time when they will bring their full focus to that child, and only to that child. Once they do this, they ask the child for forgiveness and patience. They ask for forgiveness that they've substituted things for time and love -- and patience in building a new habit together that does not rely upon buying trips as a substitute for good times together building memories.
The Result: For brave parents willing to practice this approach, and deliver, I'm happy to say that good things are happening. Sure, the kids test and plead for the next goodie, but over time the time and attention replaces the unending hunger for stuff in lieu of love. Children of all ages express nonverbal appreciation for being seen, valued, addressed. Our kids meet us with their hearts, when we meet them with our own.
Regardless the age of your kids, it's possible to create a more useful way of parenting. And, hey: let's not get too picky about the identity of these 'kids.' Maybe they are yours biologically. Maybe not. Maybe 'yours' live next door. Maybe they are the ones you have in a classroom, or consulting room, the nearby playground or grocery store. Maybe your kids are grown. Perhaps they are estranged, or indifferent, feeling hopeless, or think you've got absolutely nothing of value to impart. Maybe they are in prison, or across the sea. Maybe they are ill, or suffer addiction, eating disorders, depression, rebellion. Maybe today they love you, or hate you. "Our" kids might live under any roof, at all, and carry any attitude. But, wherever they live, remember one thing:
It's never too late to grow into a good-enough parent you can enjoy, too! So, how you are treating yourself! Are you, like Lisa, being a mean parent to yourself?
The fact is that if you weren't willing to grow in your parenting role, you wouldn't be taking your already-too-little-precious time to read this! So, get a grip! How about a little Parent Appreciation Day for little ole' you? It's time.
Parenting is neither about perfection, nor how the neighbors do it. Melanie Klein 'nailed it' when she spoke about the importance of becoming simply a 'good enough' parent. Perfection is not only highly over-rated, but leaves no room for growth. Worse yet, it's a pain! Striving for perfection saps the juice out of your system, ends up leaving you pooped, and is down-right boring to endure. Recall Leonard Cohen's lyrics? When you fall into the trap of trying to parent perfectly:
"Ring the bells that still will ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
The cracks are how the Light gets in..."
Prescription For What's Ailing Our Kids, and Us, at Any Age:
1. Name the main excess you shower on your child.
2. Identify the nature of your apology. Ask yourself: for what are you compensating?
3. Forgive yourself.
4. Parenting has nothing do to with perfection. Look for the Beauty of Imperfect Parenting, and sing its praises. One day, your child will become a parent, if it hasn't happened already. Best they see you model self-forgiveness, now!
5. Validate the Presence you bring through being your most natural Best, and Beautiful Self. Your child is fortunate, indeed!
6. Act as if your child chose you. Act as if you chose one another. Discover what's really important. What would shift if you played with the possibility that your Souls chose one another to awaken, even if you don't believe in souls?
7. Celebrate your child in ways that endure the test of time.
8. Celebrate your child's parent: YOU!
9. Don't take parenting personally! Parenting is a bit of a roller coaster. Fasten your seatbelt. Remember that 'what goes up, must come down.' Some days are better than others. Heck, some seconds are better than others.
10. Remind yourself daily: "No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care."
11. Get better at 'lighting up' when your child comes into the room.
12. Join the 21 Day Challenge to stop bullying yourself!
What words of Wisdom can you offer sincere parents who want to 'do better?" Or, their kids who want to grow? We are listening!
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The only other time I’ve felt such a connection with a self-help/therapist kind of person was when I read Dr. Susan Forward’s book “Toxic Parentsâ€. I remember coming home from lunch one day and turning on “Geraldo†– he was interviewing a father and daughter – the daughter was probably in her 30’s, the father in his 60’s.
I read Dr. Forward’s book (and I usually am not much of a reader) – but read it from cover to cover in about a day. For the first time in my life, I was being told that it “wasn’t my faultâ€. All I had heard from my father and stepmother for the few short years that I had to live with them was “you are a bad kidâ€, “if you were a better kid, maybe we could love youâ€, basically “you are un-loveableâ€. Luckily I had many wonderful “satellite families†that took me in and conveyed different messages. But the message you get from a natural parent, regardless of whether or not they’re a “good†parent, is the message that you hear the loudest.
There was just one amazing line in there that stood out and “grabbed†me…â€Without imaginal play, with a loving caregiver, we are sunk.†Boy…I wish my father and stepmother had read some of your articles while trying to raise me. Now…let me clarify…I am not sunk. I did not have a loving caregiver with my father and stepmother and I most certainly did not have imaginal play…I was forced at 11 years old to grow up VERY quickly. My mother died and I went from the “safety of her womb†out into the cold, heartless streets (methaphorically speaking). At first, it wasn’t a “mean†thing…my dad really just didn’t know how to take care of us…I very quickly learned to cook my own meals, do my own laundry, arrange my own rides to places. But when he married Cathy, it went from me taking care of myself to me trying to emotionally survive.
I could tell you story after story like that, but I’ve put a lot of them out of my memory. But I guess my point here is that I absolutely, positively agree with you…all children want is to be loved. I think when children act out, many times, it’s just that little child crying out saying “you’re not paying enough attention to me†– and the acting out is them just doing something/anything to get that much needed attention.
You see? It does take a village! You've made my day.
All good things your way,
Cara
P.S. I'd love to hear from you again. And, for the record, how did you come across "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?"
Cara
I am not a "biological" parent but I have always enjoyed having young people and children in my life. It seems to me that those of us who 'caretake' children need to love our kids enough to help them learn how to exist in the real world outside their families. That means setting boundaries that are fair and adjust as children mature. It means not trying to be our kids' best friends but daring to be their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. If a caretaker is needing to have his/her kids as confidants and peers or best friends, then the children lose out big time.
I have often heard my adult patients say that their parents didn't seem to care enough about them as children and teens to set boundaries that would have been protective, even though they might have protested at the time. I have also witnessed the sad outcome of adults expecting the world to respond to their entitlement needs that were so quickly responded to in their homes as children. No wonder, years later, they can't figure out what they have done such as the world doesn't operate that way, too. It can involve years of therapy before these folks are able to understand that chronic indulgence by caretakers does NOT produce adults with internalized self esteem.
I really enjoy your blogs. Do keep them coming.
Linda from Ohio
What an important, important message you are offering, and from 'the trenches', no less, where people really 'fess up' about their lives. Your patients are very lucky. Clearly, you care a great deal about children, and adults who suffer, too, and are 'out there' making a difference.
I do believe that it is not only the parents, (although they are vital), but it is the family and community village that contribute to the development or regression of every child. In truth, the children are our children, biologically derrived or not.
Thanks for contributing your Wisdom, which is, so welcome.
Love,
Cara
Thank you for an absolutely excellent posting. I have an 18 month old daughter and find that the time we spend together when my phone is off, my email is closed, etc. do more for our sense of shared experience than anything else we do particularly being her father because she goes to mama naturally for so many things. I am an outdoorsman in every sense of the word and so i take the time with her to go and look at the trees, to put our hands in the dirt in the garden and to hike in the hills above our house. While she has not started to demand material things, because i travel a lot for work and because she is entering those "terrible twos" (which haven't been too bad), i do find myself wanting to overcompensate, usually though, with my time. I often take a day off when i return from a work trip and we spend time together so that i can remind her that i always come home and that i love her. it is a challenge to remain vigilant about these things in an environment of ever-increasing consumerism (both stuff and structured experiences of all sorts). Your article helps to reinforce and give words to my thoughts on this important issue. thank you again.
I must ask you: how did you come into this wisdom? Who modeded this for you?
Your Light shines brightly in your daughter's eyes,
Cara
All good things to your mama heart,
Cara
P.S. Of course, you could be the papa, too. If so, same thing applies!
A child should be taught not to place value on things, but on values, character, giving and doing. If happiness is found in material goods, what happens when the goods are gone?
I appreciate your Voice, your Wisdom. Come by again! You are a teacher, my friend.
Cara
Who modeled such Wisdom for you as a child?
My parents were divorced at an early age. I remember receiving very little from my father for birthdays or holidays. I remember getting an inner tube for my bike for my birthday one year while other kids received new bikes, skateboards, walkmen, and money. I grew up with a strong feeling he didn't like me or even love me. That feeling persists to this day.
I'm around a lot of young people now. They sure do get a lot, a whole h*ll of a lot more than I ever got and I definitely have seen them being ungrateful, disinterested, and even rude about it. It kind of angers me in fact.
One question, though: what might the part of you that's been deprived be wanting these days? There must be something you can do for the part of you that was neglected, because, my friend, you deserve the best. It's never too late to reparent the part of us that was not seen, heard, valued.
Stay in touch, won't you? I'm interested in your story and your truth.
Cara