What do you envy? Come on, now. Be truthful. Even the Master Teachers have been tempted.
"I wish I had what Oprah has!" Sybil said, in an exasperated tone, as she flounced into the chair, having just returned from her C.P.A.'s office.
"Like what?" I asked.
"Are you kidding? She's got more gold than King Tut. She'll never have to work, for openers, until she's 75, like me. Oprah is loved wherever she goes. She gets wined and dined by kings and queens, celebrities, movers and shakers. She's got dancing partners like John Travolta, for C's sake! An inspiration seizes her, and her team puts it into operation, while she moves on to the next, like her new network, OWN. Then there's her Stedman, who seems like he hangs around, accompanies her whenever she wants, and they don't ever have to deal with divorce, much less marriage. He just hangs in there, without a whimper. Of course, she's got her school, her so-called 'girls.' What kills me is that she's figured out a way to get paid for working out a gig with her best friend, Gayle, while the rest watch and weep. What I'd give to be able to do that!"
"That's quite a list," said I. "Of all that you mentioned, or didn't mention, what is the one experience Oprah seems to have that you envy, and why?"
"She's doing something big in the world, something that helps people. Everything she does seems to turn to gold, so she's never worried about where to get the next buck. That makes philantropy pretty easy. I've always thought how great it would be to be able to help people that aren't looking for a hand-out, but a hand-up, people who take initiative to do better and be better. But, I don't have even a savings account after the past few years, when my hours got reduced at work. Yes, I have a job, and I'm lucky. But I want more than that. I want to leave a mark, so that my kids and their kids will know I was here as more than a drudge."
Copy-Cat Syndrome
Can you relate? Have you ever felt this way, or known someone who has? If we are truthful, who hasn't known the urge? There's a lot of it going around these days on personal and collective levels: the Copy-Cat Syndrome. When things aren't going our way, how easy it is to look in somebody else's direction and wish we had what we believe is in their lap. Maybe we even gather the toys, the props, the duds that they use and wear in order to imitate what they seem to have. Problem is, this leaves our spot empty, like Akiba's.
An Ancient Illustration
There's an old teaching story from the Talmud that goes like this: "When Akiba was on his deathbed, he bemoaned to his rabbi that he was a failure. His rabbi moved closer and asked why, and Akiba confessed that he had not lived a life like Moses. The poor man began to cry, admitting that he feared God's judgment. At this, his rabbi leaned into his ear and whispered gently, "God will not judge Akiba for not being Moses. God will judge Akiba for not being Akiba."
Sybil will not be judged for not being Oprah. That job opening has already been filled. Sybil's job is to be free to be exactly who she is, as her own Best Self. Sybil's job is to get her rear in gear, to "leave her mark," beginning with giving herself a "hand up" to a better picture of herself, helping others in the way that her heart dictates. The beauty is that none of this is determined by your bank account, but by the gold we see inside.
I've never met Lady O, but from what I've observed, she knows her way around the block. If there were one thing that accounts for Oprah's success, in addition to being in the right place at the right time, it's this: Oprah has discovered the knack of being herself, and knowing who that self is. Whether you love her or have grown weary of her story, Oprah is authentic, having sufficient self-compassion to trust her process and most Essential Self. Let's look at the other factors:
Oprah's Top 10 Secrets that We Need to Know and Practice
Another Way to Look at Self-Compassion
If you read between the lines of Sybil's wish to be Oprah, it is easy to see that she is looking for a Calling -- a purpose that's bigger than the way she's seen herself. The step she's been missing, like Akiba, is self-compassion. Until she -- and we -- are willing to look in the mirror and like what we see, until we are willing to dance to the music maybe nobody else hears, until we are willing to "get our show on the road" and whole-heartedly enjoy being exactly as we are, we, too, are sunk when it comes to being fully alive. So, where do we start? Self-compassion, my friend.
Those best at self-compassion self-elect. Even the greats, like Mother Teresa, had to have enough compassion for their "unreasonable" desires to act on them before gaining agreement. In Mother Teresa's case, she started picking up the dying from the streets of Calcutta before she received "permission" from the higher-ups. She took action based on instinct, beginning with compassion for what she felt in her own heart. She did not "lolly-gag." How many times do we notice something that pulls on our heart-strings, but lack sufficient self-care to honor our instinct? It all begins with self-compassion.
Self-compassion begins with self-election. Only you can choose to "care enough to send the very best" back to the one in the mirror. To do otherwise is to say to Creation, "No, thank you. Unlike the rest of creation, I am an error." If this is you, take note. You are no more a mistake than are the "purple mountain's majesty," the beauty from "sea to shining sea," the twinkling light of the stars at night, the softness of Mother Moon. You are no less glorious than the gentle sunrise over a meadow covered with mist, in the early morning air, no less grand than the mighty forest beyond my back porch, at sunset. You, my friend, are put on notice. You deserve self-compassion more than is imaginable. It's time to self-elect.
Now it's your turn. Without judgment, reflect on who you admire and why. If you are brave enough to "say it aloud," this will move you in the direction of self-election, the undergarments for self-compassion. The "telling of your Truth" requires you to own your Truth, to "get it out there." The beautiful thing is that as you honor what comes to you, uncensored, your psyche will respond, over time, with the steps that would move you in this direction. Remember Universe is waiting and here to help. Ready, set, go. I'm listening...
For more, see carabarker.net. For updates, contact me at carabarker.net, or dr.carabarker@gmail.com . To save time, click on "Become a Fan." Stay tuned for upcoming developments with The Love Project, including "Practicing Love."
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Jean Fain, L.I.C.S.W., M.S.W.: Self-Compassion Expert Reveals Life-Changing Secrets
Thanks Cara,
All Love,
Toni
After quite the long day, (and I'm not finished yet), Toni, I can tell you that your message is most appreciated. Child-raising is quite the challenge, isn't it? When our kids are small, it is a constant juggling act, where we seem to come up short in our own eyes. My own grown daughter was just telling me last night that she is now experiencing the same as a mama. So, my friend, you are quite the Wise Woman. I love how you say it: "...the weeds of self-criticism can certainly sprout wildly....if not kept in touch!" Here's the good news: some 'weeds' can even be converted into salad. Just another way to digest it all! Count me as your fan, Toni, with gratitude your way. Your children chose wisely when they came to your door.
All the best, and giggles, too,
Cara
We are the eyes of the Creator.
What we see
The divine sees.
Should we not
rest our eyes
on Truth and Beauty
to please our
Friend ?
Blessings,
Cara
This is one of the latest poems of my journey into consciousness that I have written over the past thirty some years. The collection is called "Migrant Worker in the Fields of Dharma". There are sixty plus pieces in the journal. This is one I wrote last Sunday morning after my contemplation. I will send them to you if I have your contact info. This is self published. How can we connect?
Thomas
Its great to have some wise people out there like you who offer up these great reminders.
For this I am grateful.
Peace
BB
As for the losses, Bill, I am sending you all sorts of wishes, and meditation prayers, not even to mention you love, for these. When they come in a flurry, they can really leave a dent for awhile. Honestly, I don't think there is any way to rush through that process. All there is seems to be mustering all the kindness and patience possible, and keep yourself in surround sound with this practice. You have a most compassionate heart, Bill. Perhaps part of this go-round is to get even better and receiving, yourself, what you give to the rest of us with that huge heart of yours.
My love is with you. Be good to you. You are one of my favorite human beings on this Planet Earth. So, as you can see, I have a vested interest!
Cara
Stay in touch. Let me know how you are, O.K.?
You have helped me today.
Hugs
BB
Keep me posted. Meanwhile, know that you are in Surround Sound good thoughts,
Cara
Joy and peace your way, KBES. I'm so grateful you dropped by. Have a marvelous weekend. For me, I'm off to sit with a client who is making her transition out of this playground. This, too, is something I wouldn't change: an honor as it is to witness a birthing.
Cara
Blessings and appreciation your way,
Cara
Go to www.MasterPath.org to learn about my path.
Thomas
Your voice has never been clearer. This is a message so badly needed in the world today. Keep on writing, sister. We're listening.........
Much love,
Judith
Love, hugs, and much laughter with the music,
Cara
Love your way,
Cara
I spent two weeks babysitting my 7 year-old grandson in CA-- an enriching experience! And now we are finishing up prep on the baby's room for my second grandson due in mid-March. SO MUCH FUN!! We are painting monkeies and tree all over his room! My Inner Child is playing-- and looking forward to playing with im!
Everything else is also rich and full-- friendships, my art and writing, my significant other relationship, my business, etc. The challenges that do come in seem like gifts-- as they consistantly move my awareness to the next level of what I need to be or be doing to be healthier, wealthier, happier. I am completely "in love" with myself-- and that reflects in my experience of the world.
That perception of "inside-outside" of me LOVING-- is why this article touched me as so wonderful. What a gift to give to others-- simple steps to move them towards greater self-compassion-- and a deeper, more stable and uplifting love affair with themselves!
luvluv to you!
Who do I admire? Well this may sound like ego, but I admire me. I admire me for applying myself to my lessons on planet earth. I admire me for being forgiving towards myself and others. I admire me for picking myself up one more time after I fall down. I admire my humour and willingness to see the best in others.
I admire most people I come to meet because once I look beneath the surface, there is always something very wonderful and inspiring, even and especially in some of those who would consider themselves "ordinary".
Now off to my next lesson!
Love and many blessings to you,
Anne
Love,
Cara
P.S. I'm mulling the zones...... more to come your way
Awareness of problems or distress is the first part, but without action to alleviate the problems, emotions, and stress we see in others and ourselves; compassion lacks completion. Compassion requires action. It is like love in that its characteristics in action deem it more verb than noun.
To me, secret #10, “Trust and use of her God-given Voice” goes beyond the obvious. It ventures into the recognition, development, and application of talent and passion in life.
Making a statement with that “voice” defines the path to fulfillment, traveling that journey delivers purpose to your life, and to those you touch, while great opportunities appear along the way to “self-select,” not just for self-compassion, but because when you turn it inward, you will in turn show compassion to others, because it's part of the interdependent underpinnings in our world.
You asked who we admire. My list is long, but I suspect admiring myself is the best answer. As the years have flown, many opportunities arose to evaluate my character and my levels of empathy, sympathy, understanding, and compassion toward others and myself. I like me. This does not mean that I see me as great or any such thing, only that I strongly feel I am a good person who leaves others happier, or better, or uplifted after we meet… at least I try.
Maybe that's all each of us can really do; be aware of the need… and try.
Thanks for another fine post!
Lawson
I admire, so much, Lawson, your willingness to trust and use your God-given voice, because yours is an action based voice rooted in compassion, with begins with self. I admire you. I like you, too. I can say that I love pretty much everyone, (who they are at core), but I surely don't like everyone. That goes for parts of myself towards which I've had to practice self-compassion over the years.
As for good over great, I love what Melanie Klein wrote about motherhood, which, I've co-opted to apply in other areas, too: which goes, we don't have to be perfect. Good enough will do.
The joy is traveling the road together with people like you. Yummy and then some.
Love and gratitude,
Cara
Peace and joy your way,
Cara
With respect your way, and wishes for all good things,
Cara
As always, Cara, thank you for your gifts shared.
L & L,
Donna
Love,
Cara
Thank you, Cara, for this beautiful post.
Cara
Thanks for this lovely post.
Toni Bernhard
http://www.howtobesick.com
Envy is definitely common and destructive. I think self-compassion is great and also a dose of inspiration to know that not everyone needs to be famous, but we all can be self-fulfilled.
Happy day!
Love and peace,
Cara
If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy,
if a blade of grass springing up in the fields
has power to move you, if the simple things in nature
have a message you understand,
rejoice, for your soul is alive.
Eleanora Duse
Love to you today!!
Anastacia
With admiration, and love,
Cara