We love our children. We'd do almost anything to support their happiness, enjoy their smile. In fact, many of us have been so busy doing everything we can to give them what we believe they need, we might have overlooked the input kids are giving these days. And, yet, the issue of happiness is in the news.
Over the past month, you've probably come across quite the conversation about happiness studies. We've read, and heard, about longitudinal research on women's happiness, and an apparent decline in their experience of it over the past years. A few weeks ago, Russell Bishop, of the Huffington Post added to the dialogue with his piece on male happiness, to which many readers responded.
Maybe because I've loved being a 'roving reporter' over the years, I set out three weeks ago to discover whatever I could about this subject, as it applies to our youth. My protocol was simple. After asking any guardians in view, I approached kids at various locations (school yards, playgrounds, grocery stores, movie theaters, etc), and asked them if they would help me. I told them the truth: that I was interested in what they could teach me about their experience, so the 'big people' could learn. True, thirty-six conversations hardly equates to what research reveres as 'statistical significance.' On the other hand, thirty-six stories can be a wealth of information in their own right simply because they are true experiences.
Their response was heart-warming, at the very least, and instructive, as well. First, let me tell you that only four children I approached were hesitant, or uninterested. All the other thirty-six were willing participants. So much so that I've decided to offer you the second part of the story next week, due to lack of space in this column. The fact is that each boy and girl seemed quite pleased that someone truly wanted to 'hear' their heart, as well as took what they said seriously enough to write it down on a clipboard. So, to my co-authors out there, I want to say a very big thank you for being my teacher!
Here are some of the responses representing the key categories. Note, please, that I have altered names to protect anonymity. The key summary to each question runs as follows:
"When are you happiest? What makes you happiest?"
Amy, age four: "My mommy's cuddle."
Jerry, age four: "When my daddy isn't so mad all the time."
Alexi, age five: "Fishing with my grandpa. But now he went and died. Nobody
wants to fish with me...sad."
Andy, age eight: "Having a catch with my dad. Now he's too busy
working....lost his job so he's got to go to two jobs. No more
catch with my dad."
Marlee, age ten: "When my mom lets me put on her lipstick. Well, she
doesn't want me to so much, but I do it and wipe it off when
she's on the phone. She's on her cell most of the time."
Mary Jo, age fifteen: "I'm happiest when I'm with my friends. I used to be the
most happy with my parents just going to the zoo, stuff like
that. Now they hate each other. Since their divorce, they fight
all the time. My friends don't fight so much. Well,
O.K., they do sometimes, but we're not going to divorce each
other!"
"What would make you happier more of the time?"
Sarah, "three...almost four"
" happy is strawberry ice cream for breakfast, and
if my daddy come home more..."
Jerry, age four: "If my daddy kissed my mommy more, and smiled..."
Millie, age five: "If my mama liked me better. (To 'how would you know?')...
She would laugh at my jokes, take naps with me, read me
stories like Annie's mama...She'd send the T.V. back to the
store with her phone. She'd just like me. She'd color with me."
Andy, age eight: "If my dad got a real job, just one job, and then he wouldn't
be so sad, and then he'd remember to play with me...If my mom
didn't worry so much about money."
Marlee, age ten: "If my mom liked me as much as her friends....If she
wouldn't answer her phone all the time when I'm talking....
Oh, yeah, and if my dad liked me as much as the neighbor
kid who's a 'brown-nose'....My dad doesn't even know
he smokes pot. He thinks he's such a goodie goodie...Oh, and
if my mom's boyfriends would go home more...."
Jeremy, age sixteen: "If my mom really trusted me. She's always telling me what
I didn't do and doesn't notice what I do that's good. Also,
if my loser dad paid up what he owes since the divorce...and
if he where actually nice to my mom. She worries about us.
I'd be happier if my mom were happier. She was when I was
a little kid before my old man left me, I mean 'us.'"
Take-aways. So, there you have it, for now. Despite the fact that a number of parents predicted kids would equate happiness with acquiring the latest toys and gadgets advertised on television, this was not the case. Not once! What our children, if they are anything like these kids, most want is:
• our attention,
• our warmth,
• our enjoyment of being with them, and
• our presence in their lives.
Apparently, they are not 'outgrowing' this need. Consider, for example, what is happening in mental health. According to recent reports, we've never had a higher incidence of mental illness issues on our college campuses, and is rising 'as we speak.' And, although hospitals are reticent to report it publicly, let me assure you that the incidence of mental/emotional poor health in our little guys is rising, as well.
In the name of returning to what we relish with our kiddos, enjoy the following.
Let us hear from you about what kids have taught you about happiness. What did happiness mean to you as a child? What can you do to be a happiness bridge to children, whether you know them or not? What would you like to communicate to a child you meet today?
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Kristen Houghton: Unhappiness and Women - Isn't It Subjective?
Happiness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
'Biggest Loser's' Abby: 'Happiness is a choice'
Balanced Life -- A Fundamental Secret To Happiness? Get Enough Sleep
A Secret to Happiness That I Overlooked -- Until Now.
Balanced Life -- A Fundamental Secret To Happiness? Get Enough Sleep
You really touch me every week even though I don't respond each time. I feel blessed that you are here.
Usedtobequiet
As usual the synchronicity of this blog is right on. A ninth grade, high school girl in Bellevue, WA, attempted suicide on Monday by hanging herself. Her mother found her before she died on the scene, but she ended up dying the next day. Another child gone with few clues about what led her to this horrific act. I am so saddened by this.
Get off the phone, people, turn off the TV and the computer, and listen to your children. Listen and don't tell. Listen and mirror back their feelings. Give them hugs while they still will let you. Love them as you would like to be loved. Stop yelling at them (the 21st century form of spanking) and listen. Thanks, Cara, for giving us this loving reminder.
Melinda
Peace and blessings,
Cara
I'm inspired by your commitment to giving these children a voice, and I'm always inspired by the authenticity in children. My heart did sink a bit in some of the responses. Did these messages get passed along to their parents??
Thank you for this. Can't wait to read part II.
Love,
Jason
I passed along these responses only where the child/teen wanted this to happen. That way, I could honor their inner world and wishes. Wasn't I fortunate to meet such wise ones? But, then, I've always felt that the young and the elders so often are attuned in ways we miss in the everyday. The listening is everything, isn't it?
Peace and blessings your way, Jason,
Cara
The answers from the children you interviewed affirmed what to me defines meaning in life: relationship. So many (all?) of the responses touched on the child's relationships, usually with their parent. I have a bias in my world view that relationship is the setting for life's lessons (at least in part). Your story affirms that to me. I look forward to the second part of your post.
Keep doing what you're doing. You are making a mighty big difference.
Love,
Cara
Cara
As HH the Dalai Lama says, "We all want to be happy!" as the Yogis say, "happiness is our birthright'
When I trained in Yoga at the Bihar School of Yoga, Bihr, India
I was acquainted with the understanding that the great Yogis called Parmahamsa's would have children around to learn how to be natural, real an free.
When I was a kid I would dance to be happy, then I learned how to ski .. that is my passion
But what I have learned is .. the greatest happiness is within us all .. it is unconditional happiness ...
when you look outside yourself for happiness it is a business deal... if I get this or that I will be happy. but any external happiness can never be happiness because
if you can get happiness ... you can lose it! it is not permanent...
True happiness can never be lost.
BE THE CHANGE
Ed
when you look outside yourself for happiness it is a business deal... if I get this or that I will be happy. but any external happiness can never be happiness because
if you can get happiness ... you can lose it! it is not permanent...
True happiness can never be lost."
Looking outside myself for delight, for happiness, for well-being has only resulted in dead-end streets. Awakening to the truth that happiness is an inside job, changes everything....including how we show our love to our children.
Peace, blessings, and dancing ease your way,
Cara
My, oh my: your parents and friends are very, very fortunate with you in their lives.
Cara
Children, like ancient elders, have just a transparency, such a Light about them:pure joy, pure feeling, pure love in motion. My joy is when I am welcomed into their play, their world, their hearts, their Wisdom. I'm so glad you are a kindred soul.
As always, peace, blessings your way, and gratitude for dropping by,
Cara
I wondered how long we need to go without stooping down upon a bent knee to love our children eye to eye, ... our grandchildren (now) eye to eye? If we looked them in the eye, we could not bear to deny them the time for a game of "catch", or tag, ... or simply rolling in a pile of leaves together.
We resist the joy they bring to us. We feel we don't deserve it, have not ime for it, or do not care what they want to give to us.
They watch everything we do. Would we wish them to become us? Not likely. Perhaps if we took a walk with them tomorrow, ... played touch football with them on Sundayt. That is all they want from us, ... "Us". Simplest of all to give, ...free of any cost.
When Thanksgiving comes, it will be this of which I will think the most.
I marvel at our shared experience, and wonder, so often at our collective resistence in, as you say, stoop down upon a bent knee to love our children eye-to-eye. I cannot think of a single thing more important, or potent, than this. Such an act, taken on by every adult, would change the course of unwritten history.
So, as I 'crunch' through the autumn leaves with my neighbor's child, I shall think of you and be glad.
Peace and blessings,
Cara
One of our friends agree:
"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery (The Little Prince)
I found this article about happiness recently. When I began my self-development, personal growth journey 31 years ago, all I knew was that I just wanted to be happy (again). If I only would have known sooner what this guy discovered…
LONDON (AFP) - Feeling more happy than usual this particular Friday [June 23rd, 2007]? You should be, according to a scholar in seasonal disorders at a British university.
Cliff Arnall has analysed such factors as outdoor activities, nature, social interaction, childhood memories, temperature and holidays -- data gathered over a period of 15 years in interviews with 3,000 people around the world.
His conclusion: June 23 is the happiest day of the year. "People across borders experience happiness when they meet with friends and family and establish close social relationships," the University of Cardiff academic told AFP. "We need some close emotional ties."
He used what he considers a "simple equation" to reach his conclusion – O + (N x S) + Cpm/T + He.
O stands for outdoor activities, N for nature, S for social interaction, Cpm for childhood summers and positive memories, T for temperature and He for holidays and looking forward to time off.
What is quite contrary, of course, is the Human celebration of darkness, ... the Winter Solstice, Christmas and all of that. In that too, we teach our babies to know there is hope, ... always. There are cycles which are not apparent, ... but still occur. Animals snuggle down with little notion of "why". We Humans share our seeds with them, ... set them aside, ... trudge through snow to fill a feeder, ... simply to share what we know about what is ahead.
Our children know all of this, not as facts, ... but as "knowings". They find joy in breathing, ... warmth, and blankets around their shoulders. They have no doubt of tomorrow, ... We are their tomorrow. When we forget that, we become purveyors of despair.
And so we light candles, and fires, and make gingerbread men, to share what we know, ... which is that the world will become bright and green again. It is as true as our pulse, ... as true as the sun.
Love,
Cara
I've often shared conversations with K with her mother and she's been amazed at the things that K has shared with me. But I told her that all K wanted was an active listener, not just a nod of the head. Children know when you're really absorbing what they say.
Hate to constantly bring up MJ, but I'm still beaming from the excitement of seeing his movie. He was strong advocate on this very issue. And though there is question of his involvement with children, he was a firm believer that children want to know that they are loved and it's as simple as sitting down at the dinner table at night or a hug. I also think Where The Wild Things Are is poignant in showing this need in Max.
I hope all is great with you,
Ebony
I sang two lullabies, two songs to my daughters, twice each every night they fell asleep as little girls, ... "Summertime" by Gershwin, and "Amazing Grace". Seemed they always fell asleep by the end, ... and better yet, that was a gift of peace they gave me in return. I slept better knowing those melodies had taken them into sleep. Every blessing comes in two's, I say.
I have a stepfather who I love, but one thing he'd say to my siblings and me that stuck with us is how we should appreciate what he has done for us. That bugged me because we should treat children as if the relationship is mutual. We should derive as much if not more from children than they do from us.
I don't have children yet, but I plan to when I know for sure that I'm at the level of maturity to give them that time and patience. And I also want to know that I'm surrounding them with people in my "village" that are just as diligent as I'd like to be. It's not about perfection, but about being aware of their needs.
Ebony
Let's raise our voices every day and night.
Sweet dreams,
Cara
K. is a mighty lucky little girl. Having someone like you in her atmosphere can make such a vital difference in repairing the rupture that comes when a child experiences loss. It is clear to me that you have transformed your own learning into good works. So often I have noticed that when I ask adults "who made a really significant difference in your life when you needed it most?" the answer is often a neighbor, a teacher, a 'big person' who really cared. Keep doing what your are doing. It goes without saying that what you are receiving from your gift to K is priceless, too.
Love and appreciation,
Cara
that is an intense list, Cara. I am surprised so many children answered in that way myself. That is terribly sad that children, who are so often present in the moment - have a higher mind to speak of their parent's absense as a primary answer as to what gives them happiness.
Wow again.
I am intrigued to hear what local kids have to say as well on this end of the world.
Hmmm
thanks for a very provocative post!
There was a wonderful book out a few years ago called, "Perfect Madness" that describes this new age of parenting in frenetic paces, raising over-scheduled kids and being miserable.
Kari
Thanks for the reference, by the way. I'll check it out: certainly is in harmony with what I've been observing for a long time, and, certainly with A.D.D. kids.
By the way, I couldn't find your blog this past week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always love reading your articles. We are so lucky to have you here, Kari.
Love,
Cara
Love your way, Diogenes. I appreciate you so very much.
Cara
That you asked kids about happiness and listened to what they had to say had me smiling and looking forward to learning something. Then I read their responses. The smile disappeared as sadness replaced eager curiosity. So many of their answers were heart-breaking. It's like all of them were saying, "I just want to be loved"
Of course that got me thinking about what kind of Father I was when my kids were young. Far from perfect but not so bad. My kids have forgiven me for what I did wrong and actually thanked my for some of the stuff i got right. Sometimes it seems that we're too young when we become parents and by the time we figure out how to do it right, we're grandparents. So, I'll just try to be the best Poppy to the grandkids that I can and remind my sons how much I love them.
Cara, you are such a beautiful person, I can feel the warmth and concern coming through your words with what you give to us all each week. Thank you.
Warmest regards,
little brother
How easy it is to imagine that your children would have forgiven you. Honestly, you strike me as the sort of man who is strong enough to admit frailties, and imperfection. In such an atmosphere, children cannot help but thrive, and become excellent at forgiveness. Further, I'll bet your grandbabies adore their Poppy. Lucky them. Neither my grandfathers or grandmothers were still alive when I was born, so I can only imagine. Frankly, as I become a grandma, I can use all the tips I can get from you!
Knowing that there is someone like yourself 'out there,' makes the time it takes to gather stories like this more than worth the time. You see, I am the lucky one, with those like you in this Circle of Life.
Love,
Cara
This is such powerful comment on how our values are shaping the lives of our children. I hear a cry for maturity when it comes to choosing to be parents, so that we really do consider children's needs, and how we can accommodate them through our loving exampleship.
The past few weeks, I have been so touched and impressed by the Marriage Course being conducted at my local church. All the information, there and in many other places, is available about leading happy marriages, and therefore raising happy children. But it has not yet become a priority to learn before we leap, it seems to me.
Let's hear more from the children!
Thank you so much for going out as roving reporter and bringing back the goods!
With love and appreciation,
Anne
I'm looking forward to hear more about your recent experience. The truth is that I am in hardy agreement with your words here.
Actually, I do believe it would be a good move to require a 'raising children examination.' Not that this will happen, but, isn't it strange that one of the most vital professions of the world, child-raising, requires no self-examination before launching?
Thanks for coming by, Anne, and being the contributor that you are,
Cara