What Our Kids Wish We Knew

"We touch the future based on how we interact with and what we model with our children." Michael Mendizza

Part 2. After interviewing 40 children, (36 in the first group, and 4 more this past week), I came to a frontier beyond what Art Linkletter dubbed "Kids Say the Darnest Things." Our kids also say the "most beautiful things, the most relevant things, the most useful things" in helping us return to the heart's wisdom. Our children have much they wish we knew. This was as true yesterday, as it is today.

An example from the past. Twenty-three years ago, our daughter demonstrated we, as parents, had much to learn. As my husband walked through the front door, with a bit of an uncharacteristic growl in his tone, our toddler watched him harrumph around the kitchen, his arm, in a newly acquired sling. He told the two of us: "I was so stupid! I slipped on the ice in Denver, and did this to my arm." As she patiently listened, our little one quietly crawled up onto the seat of our green armchair, beckoning her father over to her. Face to face, she threw her three year-old arms around his neck, gave him a kiss on the cheek and inquired: "Daddy, do you think you can forgive yourself?" She broke the spell. Unable to resist her innocent wisdom, he broke into laughter, and said: "You're right. I need to forgive myself, for sure." The incident has become part of our family lexicon, not only about self-forgiveness, but about how attuned our children are. We would do well to pay attention.

It's been said that "It takes a village to raise a child." As villagers, what are we discovering from the children in our midst? The following responses from children I met during this survey, of their world, give hints of what our youth wish we knew. Note, please, that I have altered names to protect anonymity.

"What do you wish grown-ups knew?"

Amy, age 3: "Everyday, please, cuddles and marshmallows, please!"

Jerry, age 4: "When daddies get so mad their heads could blow up!
Singing makes your head blown up better.!
Oh, also, we need stories, too!"

How wise, Jerry. Kids need stories to build inner images. Without imaginal play, with a loving caregiver, we are sunk. According to renowned childhood development expert, Joseph Chilton Pearce "...Play is the single most important factor in forwarding healthy growth and development." The "future of our world depends more on the stories we tell ourselves than the wars we fight." If you think about it, our storytelling, for good or bad, also determines whether we go into battle or not. But, then, that's another story! Let's return to what our children are saying:

Annie, age 5: "They need to send my new baby brother back where he came from! He cries too much. Then they could play with me and we'd all be happy and Mommy would get to sleep with me... It's a lot of work to be a big sister. No one told me about this part. I'm pooped! My brother poops a lot. Yuk!"

Alexi, age 5: "Little kids need grandpas. Mine comes back to see me
sometimes, but I can't tell anyone." (To 'why is that?')
"...I told them the first time he came after the 'funeraling'
but they told me not to make things up. He really did
come to see me and winked. It made me feel better.
Big people should believe you. Maybe grandpa would
come see them, too, and then they'd feel better."

Andy, age 8: "My dad shouldn't worry so much. I'm scared he'll get sick.
I don't want to move, but it's O.K. with me if my dad doesn't have to worry about his job. My head hurts when he worries..."

Marlee, age 10: "Moms should know when their kids are lonely and sad,
like the boy in "Where the Wild Things Are." Only we can't
go away like he did. Moms need to throw away their phones.
O.K., that's dumb. But they need to unplug it. Moms need
to rest, and not stress us out."

Mary Jo, age 15: "I wish parents knew how hard we try to get good
grades, and make them happy. When I get a 'B' they don't
say anything, not like when I get 'A's. I worry I won't get into a
good school, and then there'll be more fighting. I wish parents
would just stop fighting. Or, at least remember their kids are
listening. There should be a 'parent pill,' where they could
learn to 'chill.' That would be 'rad.' Oh, also, I think dads
should be nicer to the mother, even if they are divorced.
It makes us feel bad when they are mean to our moms."

Brad, age 14: "Dads should be more than tourists in our lives. I wish
They knew we're not trying to give them a hard time.
O.K., so they probably think we're pushing them away.
But we need to know they're there when things get dicey.
I wish they knew everything is moving too fast out there for us.
I wish they knew they need to turn off the news. Like
the Fort Hood massacre thing is terrible; hearing it over and
over is too much."

Jeremy, age 16: "I wish parents knew we worry about them. When they
lose their job, we don't need to go to the big-buck places.
It probably sounds 'cheesy,' but it would be awesome to just sit
and just play board games, and have popcorn. That's
cheap if you make it yourself."

Vital Implications. Kids are pointing to the importance of connection. How wise they are. Both the University of Arizona and Colorado's Heart Math Institute have found that the electromagnetic energy from the heart is 60 times greater than the brain. So, as Pearce, and earlier, Rudolf Steiner pointed out long ago, "The heart is more than a pump." MacLean's research found that when the head, heart, and actions are in harmony, there is 'ease', not discord. Our worry throws us out of sync and our kids feel it. If we are not at one with ourselves, we cannot be with others. Our task is to build coherence, connection and bridges.

Our Roles in Their Development. Our kids are wired to learn, to explore new frontiers, and build a structure of knowledge about their new experience. But to do so optimally, kids need to maintain connection with us providing warmth, safety and encouragement to let them evolve. Their job is not to make us happy, or become who we think they should be. Their job is to discover what it is that brings them to their greatest sense of aliveness. Ours is to clear the path, insure their safety, and to love them into who they are most naturally, that they might flourish in the world, that the world might love them as we do.

So much more to say, so little room. What do the children in your life wish you knew? What's their greatest joy today? Are you up to date with their evolving answers? And, while we're at it, what do you wish our children knew from us? Let us hear from you. Kindly forward this to anyone you know who has contact with kids. Please click on Become a Fan to receive weekly notices, or follow me on Facebook.

 

Comments

[PeterScott]

Our child is still in the womb and she's already communicating with us... partly by hijacking my wife's digestive system to provide instant feedback on the quality of her food choices. Thank you for showing us what we have to look forward to. So many people who joined the parents' club before us just want to scare us with horror stories of the hazing rituals of membership.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I am absolutely thrilled for you and your wife, Peter. Don't let anyone scare you. Their experience is their experience. I can think of know greater joy than welcoming a Little One from Creative Intelligence Itself, into this body, into this world, into the Great Heart on this side of the veil. There is no greater challenge nor delight than doing all that we can to maintain and nourish this connection.

What I know for certain is that your baby is Wisdom, itself. After all, Sweet One chose you as parents. What a blessing all the way around. How central you three are to the heart of my prayers.

Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Peter, and all new/soon to become parents out there,

Tell me about your experience: "So many people who joined the parents' club before us just want to scare us with horror stories of the hazing rituals of membership..."

I'm very interested, and listening deeply,
Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara - all we can say is we LOVE YOU!

you are a jewel in the heart of the lotus

your blogging is heartfelt wisdom

BE THE CHANGE

Ed

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Ed and Deb,

You are more than generous. Oh, our world is so lucky to be awaiting the 'delivery of your marvelous new book, "Be the Change." Barnes and Noble know what they are doing. Already, 'the baby' is winnning hearts.

Let's all see what we can do to "Be the Change" today.

Love,
Cara

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara- fantastic journalism and research you did there.
I am really amazed kids said that- direct quotes they were?

The point is not for parents to give themselves guilt trips, as the vast ocean between children and adults in relating to each other can be vast at times- and sometimes the chasm is necessary for independence. However, craving a simple life is a theme I hear over and over again, and clearly you are hearing it from kids who may not have EVER lived a simple life!
Thanks for excellent work
Kari

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Great, great point, Kari. I just read a story the other day about increasing numbers of parents who are 'on the road' with their kids, having lost their jobs and homes. There seems to be a 'home schooling' on the road. One family interviewed, had their kids share. They told of how 'overbooked' they were in their 'before the road trip' days. They stated that they did not miss those days one whit, for they had something better: their parents with them, the opportunity to learn from nature, and connection. A few of them, by the way, were teens!

As for the language of children, yes, these were direct quotes. Naturally, some of the 40 children were more articulate than others, so, I used their quotes. However, the 'speakers' said what the other children shared thematically. I cannot tell you the unexpected impact this has had on my heart.

Bless you for caring so deeply,
Cara

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Cara,

Thank you for being a voice for the children! Kids today are "collateral damage" in many ways; innocent victims of a society where most parents have to work, sometimes more than one job, just to pay the rent and put food on the table. I don't think parents are necessarily to blame, they're caught in the system and are as lost as today's kids seem to be. It's sad, really. Very sad.

How wonderful. that for these kids on this day, they had someone who cared enough to listen to them. A veritable Nanny McPhee moment! And who better to be on the receiving end of their stories than you!

An inspiration for all of us to take the time to ask the questions, not just about what happened today, but "how do you feel about that?" And "What would you like me to know about you?" type of questions.

I think you're on to something here...... sounds like a creative project in the making. More to be revealed I'm sure.

Much love to you,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, my friend, Judith, collateral damage, indeed. This is so sad, just as much for the parents as the kids. As I said last week in Part I: we love our children. And yet, the demands of the outer world conflict with the inner. Honestly, if these sharing these stories moves just one parent in the direction of deeper listening, rather than feel their value is in purchasing 'more' for their kids to insure happiness, then this whole project, and the time it's taken, will have been worth it.

I'm so glad you're back!

Much love,
Cara

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

HI Cara,

Boy howdy, you said a mouthful. ...Our worry throws us out of sync and our kids feel it...

I know my sons weren't only effected by my worries, they knew in the moment that I was out of sync and that they would have to deal with it. I've found this out through discussions since they've grown up , but I knew it not so deep down at the time and just didn't give them the respect of me chilling my own jets for their deserved emotional safe zone. After all they counted on me to protect them against the world and when through laziness, I dropped the ball, they felt stressors that they should have been shielded against.

Annie points out with clarity, what happens to an older sibling far too often. A five your old still needs to be put to bed with attention and should not have to know that' "It's a lot of work to be a big sister" Of all the lessons in this article, that one tugged at me the hardest.

Like last weeks post, it seems that most of these kids are saying. "I just want to be loved"

with love,
little brother

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Little Brother,

Little Annie's words spoke volumes to me, as well. Not only about children, but about how the 'big people' who were the eldest, so often still carry this burden, and do not know it's O.K., and even necessary, to lay it down.

My friend, as a parent, and, soon to be grandparent, let me share with you the following. I've found that it is all too easy to look into the retroscope and see our failings as a parent. What I want you to know is that you demonstrate a very genuine devotion to awakening, and to doing your best. Like our daughter said to my husband so long ago: "Daddy, can you forgive yourself?" The very fact that you see what you see bodes beautifully for a deepening relationship with your kids. They are lucky. I know you are, too.

Love, peace and blessings,
Cara

[Caitlin Price]

This article is outstanding, thank you for sharing!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You are so welcome, Caitlan. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I respect you so much for making a contribution.

By the way, might I ask you what it is you love about these articles??????????

I'm listening, and ever-so grateful for who you are,
Cara

[OKSunny]

Love these articles--I pass them on to all my friends (whether they have kids or not)

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you, OKSunny! I really appreciate your 'paying it forward.' One question: can you tell me what it is that you love? It's so hard to know what resonates with people. As I'm in my sixties, it is so important to me to offer whatever I can that's useful.

Many blessings and much gratitude, besides,
Cara

[flowergurlie]

Wonderful post!! This part, especially, hit home: "Their job is not to make us happy, or become who we think they should be. Their job is to discover what it is that brings them to their greatest sense of aliveness."

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Flowergurlie, first, I just LOVE your name. If you were in my home, or could see my garden, you'd see just how meaningful it is to me. I've held a fantasy for a long time that it all 'went south' it would be fun to own a florist shop!

Regarding your response to the article, yes, I truly experience how vital it is to discover and operate from the greatest sense of aliveness, as adults, and to draw this out in our children. A job which we cannot do, unless we know the experience ourselves. I have the impression you live in a vital, nourishing way.

Tell me, what is it exactly that hit home for you in the statement? Sounds like you know a great deal about this. I'm listening, my friend....­..........­..........­..........­.

All good things,
Cara

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Hello Dearest Cara,

We are on the same page this week when it comes to connection and its value in our lives, so often overlooked.

I think the"kid" in each of us needs warmth and safety to develop and hopefully we find that if we did not have it growing up. We can at least be mindful to give it to others.

I am so grateful for your snapshot of the tender years. They go quickly.

Best love and blessings to you,
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Anne,
First, I love your post, and we are, most certainly, 'on the same beam.' The tender years never fail to move my heart. Children naturally understand connection because they LIVE connection. No small wonder so much Wisdom pours out from their every expression, when we give enough space and attention to bearing its Witness.

Our challenge, it seems to me, is to find the tenderness, again, in our own nature, often so defended against by stress, worry, and gerbil wheel spinning.

My love to you,
Cara

[Two Cents]

My favoite is Amy: "Everyday, please, cuddles and marshmallows, please!"

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Oh, yes, Two Cents! Wouldn't our world be a much kinder place with marshmellows and cuddles for all, as needed? Hey, maybe there could be marshmellow and cuddle stations right alongside Starbuck's or Micky D's!

All good things your way, including the above,
Cara

[Two Cents]

Likewise, I'm sure! :o)

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Wow. 'Our job is to love them into who they are most naturally.'

You're not taking any prisoners, compassionwise. Bending the rules of language for the sake of the true Eros.

Some people have been sentenced to death for being so true to their ideals. Crime of the century: to love each other into who we are most naturally!

:-)

[brandyb44]

It makes me sad to see your article at the bottom of the Living section. The articles you write and the information you provide is so valuable and important to everyone who reads them.
The article this week and the one from last week are beyond valuable at reminding us what is most important to our children: communication, active listening and actively spending quality time with them. All they want is love and attention; they are not always asking for the newest, coolest, most expensive toy out there and we, as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc, need to remember that is the best gift that we can give our children.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks so much for your personal comment about placement. Yes, a great deal of attention does go into this interviewing process, and it is very rewarding to find that you appreciate how invaluable our children are. We have no more precious resource than they!

Frankly, I wish every parent could read your words! You are a terrific messenger, as well as articulate communicator. I can see that you have a deep passion for those in our care. May we all remember we are part of our children's village.

Peace and blessings,
Cara