What To Do When Someone You Love Is Hurting

"Our wounds become the womb." ~Julian of Norwich

Last night, as I trundled off to bed in the dark, I did so accompanied by rain pounding harder on the windows than I've ever remembered. The torrents of water so strong and dense, that nothing beyond was visible. That sort of nature's extravaganza that leaves us humbled, and aware of how very small we are in the face of the elemental.

We're Taking a Pounding.
How like these days. What I did not know at the time was that tornadoes would be ripping through the South, and that an athletic facility would be collapsing over the heads of a team and coaches. What I did know was that my world, including that of my intimates, was taking a pounding. One colleague had just been told she's out of a job, and is expected to show up for work the next six months without pay to 'keep the business running.' No joke.

Three friends in the last week have suffered massive heart attacks; my brother-in-law has been given bad news about his heart. My longtime soul sister's been given the diagnosis of cancer. It's noteworthy that each of these six people are Resilience Champions, well-practiced in weathering harsh conditions.

Neighbors are losing their home. Beneath torrents of shed and unshed tears, the future remains obscured. Meanwhile, the Swine Flu carries on, with or without new packaging, as does the war, political blame-gaming, piracy, and other nasty adventures. Yesterday, the guy on the treadmill to my right, put it succinctly: "Look at that news," as he points to the monitor overhead. "Just how much more can we take?"

By dawn this morning, the birds are singing, the sky's blue, Puget Sound is like glass. Two heron face one another atop the pilings in the water, in between which, swim two mallard ducks. I cannot help but think of Noah, loading the ark with creatures "two by two." Just now, two larks perch outside on the railing from where I write, as if to say, 'Don't forget to include us.' Two is in the air.

Two Sides to the Equation.
Two sides to everything: storms and glorious calm; darkness and Light; overwhelm and clarity; despair and hope, suffering and healing, life and death, endings and new beginnings. Regardless the nature of our global, national or personal storms, the real question is: 'Who are you becoming out of the conditions before you?' The question holds true on both sides of the equation: for those on the receiving end of personal bad news, and, those of us who are friends and family. I am reminded of the song from Les Miserables where the father prays to the Divine 'bring him home...' In poignant music and lyrics, we meet ourselves: that longing to protect those we love at any cost, including to self. Like Jamie Pugh in his audition, whether we show it or not, we are rendered awkward, overwhelmed in the face of the unexpected. Only in his case, there is a happy ending.

Hints from Nature.
Reflecting on this week's 'load' of resilience building opportunities, I began to ask where the birds go during their storms. Last night, I didn't notice them flying around in it, that's for sure. There are times to lay low. Think Mexico City. These are the times to give all that striving and driving a rest. There are times to pull back from crowds and become still. This is, after all, the place where Wisdom dwells. These are times for holy waiting, for incubation, and gestation of who we're becoming.

Sue Monk Kidd puts it this way:

"To incubate means to create the conditions necessary for development. What were those conditions I wondered. Then it hit me: darkness. Everything incubates in darkness. And I knew that the darkness in which I found myself was a holy dark. I was incubating something new...Whenever new life grows and emerges, darkness is crucial to the process, whether it's the caterpillar in the chrysalis, the seed in the ground, the child in the womb, or the True Self in the soul, there's always a time of waiting in the dark."

While Waiting in the Dark Together.
What do you do when those you love are hurting in the darkness? What do you do when it's not within your power to change the outcome? How can you be most useful? How can your love be a 'womb' for new moments of life worth living? You can step into the torrential downpour with them, or, you can do what you can by offering a literal or symbolic shelter for the heart, light the hearth, prepare the soup, fluff the comforter, and welcome them into a place of refuge, and reprieve from the chaos that precedes a changing life direction. We can meet them where they're at, rather where we need them to be. We can cultivate skills to hear with a listening heart. We can offer Presence. We can commit ourselves to a deeper, truer way of being present, refusing to turn our backs, even when we're rattled. To do this requires that we first not turn from taking care of ourselves, getting more rest, nourishing our bodies and Spirits with what heals. Because when you witness those you love hurting, it takes a toll on you as well. We're not here to become Mother Teresa-wannabes. She already mastered her role. But, like her, we are here to be ourselves, to bring this Becoming Self to good use through love. As Mother Teresa put it so well:

"God is love in action."

Sometimes the best action is giving it a rest.

After the dark, the light. These morning mama and papa birds are scampering above us on the roof, returning from the storm with scraps from foraging at dawn. They're building a nest. In the distance, awakening seals are barking for their breakfast on this new day of life. Time to kick back, and savor our own before the next winds of change.

If you are a mama, or a child of a mama, I wish you gratitude for the one who mothered you, and celebration for those who mother this Mother's Day. Let's see what we can do to let those women who've made a difference in our lives know just that. As always, I welcome your remarks, clips, questions, and additions, and will get back to you personally as promptly as possible. To life, Cara

Comments

[jeanneyogini]

Dear Dr. Cara,
There is great wisdom in your words, thank you for sharing. I have always noticed when some crisis is going on with myself or a loved one, it forces me to be on a more tender level of my being, and from there I see the world differently, with more compassion and truth. Somehow perceiving the bigger picture of a crisis, as Mother Nature's way of purifying and correcting helps me to be patient and trusting that it will all work out. I remember my Mom would see always the humor in our calamities while we were growing up, which really helped me not to take it so seriously. I am grateful to the Mothering spirit in what ever way it is expressed, compassion, silence, humor, correction, and most of all unconditional love. Happy Mother Days to us all.

[brooklyncitizen]

Dr. Barker,
Thank you for another timely and heartfelt post.The yin yan of life always seems to toy with us and the image I hold onto is that of walking a beam between both suffering and joy. When we hold both then we can be OK- I truly believe that. It's never really all or nothing and while going through suffering there is beauty and joy within our reach and vice versa.

Just to share a bit about a documentary that just screened last night at MOMA- Kim Longinotto's "Rough Aunties". Ms. Longinotto is a foremost documentary film maker but this latest film is astounding and depicts what you are describing: "We can commit ourselves to a deeper, truer way of being present, refusing to turn our backs, even when we're rattled. "

IT depicts the work being done by the women at Bobbi Bear founded by Jackie Branfield, in Durban, South Africa . These "rough aunties" are fearless women devoted to protecting and caring for sexually abused, neglected children of Durban. The interaction with the kids is sheer beauty/love , and the reality of these women's lives is heartbreaking .Below are links to the foundation and the film.

http://www.bobbibear.org.za/

http://roughaunties.com/

[Melinda Hews]

Dear Cara,

Thinking of you as we approach Mother's Day and sending you much love and Sophia Momma and knitting women energy. I hope you feel surrounded in their circle of care. Take good care of YOURself as you deal with so much these days.

Love, Melinda

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Great to hear from you Melinda! Know that my love and appreciation are with you, and yours. Keep the knitting going, and give the warmest greeting to the circle! A terrific Mama's Day your way!

Love,
Cara

[BZ49]

Nicely done!! Truly we are greater together than alone.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Everything gets better when working on the same team, doesn't it? More fun, too!

Here's to team work that lights your fire,
Cara

[EnterBeing]

Thank you, Dr. Barker, for your excellent piece, "What To Do When Someone Is Hurting." And what a beautiful way to put it: “While waiting in the dark together…” You remind us that when we are confronted with adversity or when we are truly present with another human being who is suffering or grieving, the experience can bring out the best in us. Adversity, pain and suffering are opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.

Your suggestions of listening deeply and doing the little things that provide safety and comfort when others are hurting are important ones to remember. Most of us grow up thinking that we must always try to “fix” things, make things better. Too often we try to help others with our words and advice but the words are usually more about ourselves than those we are trying to help. “Don’t cry” or “everything will be alright,” really means, “you’re making me very uncomfortable.” There is no need to fill all the silences or try to stop the tears. Just letting a person know with our 'presence' that they are not alone can be enough.

With metta,

Robert

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

It is very apparent to me, Robert, that you have worked on your own awakening for quite some time. Your comments are poignant, illuminated, and heartfelt. What a blessing it is to hear another's Truth, and exquisite Voice. I am confident that wherever you travel, you leave in your wake, a most wonderful invitation for others to embark upon their own journey of discovery and contribution.

For me, the power of the small is so often overlooked. I believe that if we go with the organic, and do whatever creates safety, which, so often involves no doing at all, but merely 'being,' then the rest takes care of itself.

Bless you for all that you are, and what you have offered so beautifully,
Cara

[Usedtobequiet]

Dr. Cara:

I am very sorry for the darkness that is around you lately. Probably the hardest thing to experience is seeing a loved one suffer. When you ask "What do you do when those you love are hurting in the darkness?" I am reminded of how it can be so difficult to stay still in that darkness. How many times have I wanted to run from it or fill it up with some artificial light? You could have written that paragraph just for me (which I think you know), but what is so wonderful about you is how what you have to say reminds us how connected we really all are.

Every single week when I read your posts, I am in tears. But it's a good thing, because I've stuffed so much for so long. My heart is just cracking open. When I was ready, my teacher appeared. But this isn't just about me, of course.

allcreaturesareone, thank you for sharing that video. I thought it was so telling that a small older woman was the first one to approach him. Once again, a mighty person in a small package, just like my Mum. I liked that he hugged her on her level by kneeling down and that she touched his face - it was so tender and real. We need more "real".

I am holding you and Eleanore in my heart tonight, Dr. Cara.

Usedtobequiet

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Usedtobequiet,

What a beautiful, beautiful message you've written, which I just received. It is late. The moon is full. We've just returned from our visit with Eleanore. I must tell you that the video you mentioned, reminded me of her greeting. Despite the oxygen tubing, her arms were opened wide to greet us with that sort of love that just takes you to your knees with gratitude.

She has deteriorated very quickly. And yet, through her pain, her radiant smile, the sparkle in her eyes, her grace remains. We shared tears of separation, and tears of gratitude for all we've shared over the nearly 60 years of knowing one another. There are times like these when all we can do is rejoice for what is. There is no greater blessing than sharing what's real without shirking the truth of it.

You are such a grace. My heart cracks open with you, as I say 'To life.' Ah, the opportunity to open without defense is why we are here.

Know that I hold you in my heart as well.
Cara

[Karen Leland - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Cara:

Thank you so much for this post. It's was really needed by me and many people I know this week.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I am so happy that my post could be useful to you, Karen. It sounds like this is the time of challenge and remembrance. Tonight, on the way back from visiting my friend who is getting ready to make her transition out of this life, I noted the moon was full. Somehow, it fits.

May this week, and all to follow bring you every tender gift and reminder that you make a difference.
Cara

[Fleurdelys]

WoW, thanks for that, everybody : )
Knowing that we must be poured out, let us drink deeply of that which replenishes and fortifies.
God's blessings to all.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You, my dear Fleurdelys, are poetry in action. Beautiful, beautiful way of expressing your Truth. As the Indigenous People would say, 'you walk the Beauty Way.'

Blessings and love your way. May goodness knock at your door.
Cara

[Kari Henley - Huffpost Blogger]

Cara
Your exquisite post this week brought tears to my eyes.
I hear your own pain and suffering as so many around you are severely ill, dying or challenged. Your brave analogies of the raging storm, followed by the calm Spring morning was so beautiful.

I loved what you said about "Who are you becoming with the conditions before you?" I think that is the question of our time.
I also love the references of how to be waiting in the dark with someone when the rain is falling on their heads.
We forget that just fluffing a pillow or being present with them in the moment is enough to bring that sense of peace.
What a true wise woman you are.
Thank you for a very healing piece.
Kari

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Kari,
The name Sister was drempt up for women like you. You have a way, Kari, of really, truly meeting people where they are at. When I read what you write, I cannot help but think of that song from long ago that went...."He aint heavy, he's my brother...." On this long road we are traveling, it is clear to me that we have Sisterhood and Brotherhood in our midst. How blessed we are.

Much love and joy your way, in the dark times and in the light,
Cara

[wakeup804]

This was a nice posting from everyone. Such kind words that made my heart feel light.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I couldn't agree more, wakeup804. I just checked back in, after a very, very long day. The sharing that has been offered here by so many, is just the healing balm needed. Kindness changes everything, doesn't it? And, it doesn't cost us 'one red cent.'

How wealthy are we!
Cara

[wakeup804]

Thanks for a great post. My mother is dying from lung and brain cancer so this will probably be the last Mother's day I will have with her. Your story made me think about some things. Happy Mother's Day to all!!!!!

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You have no idea, wakeup804, how timely your words are for me. Let me just say that I will be holding you and your mama in the heart of my prayers. I shall also be with you in Spirit as I leave later this afternoon to say goodbye to my chosen Godmother. She called last evening to let me know she is on her way out, and I know this is so. As she put it: "Come soon. This will be the last time we will be together in this way, here on earth."

What would we do without these special women in our lives? What would we do without the blessings of new connections, like yours?

Thank you for your beautiful gift to me,
Cara

[wakeup804]

Thank you, and my spirit is with you. Enjoy your Godmother. What would we do without the women on the journey of our lives?

[Anne Naylor - Huffpost Blogger]

Dearest Cara,

Your beautiful post touches my heart. Profound means to me to go into the depths of a darkness and a greater truth that is not available to us on the surface. That you should be touching to so many that can draw on your strengths says a lot to me about the strengths you have and the love you share.

This presence is truly awesome because it comes without words, or beyond words. I get the sense of a connectedness and knowing and the love that brings us together as a human community. After resilience must come, I imagine, surrender to that which is greater than anything we can put our hands on.

I love the analogies you draw for life and death. Light has a way of following the dark.

You are so Light and truly a blessing. I appreciate very much the gift that you are an the gifts that you share.

God bless you abundantly in every way.
Huge love to you,
Anne

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

How very much I appreciate your words, Anne, and your Sisterhood. The Truth is that it is I who should be saying thank you: thank you to your own inspiring and deeply connected Self, and thank you to our terrific readers who contribute so much to our own journey, don't they Anne! I do feel that you and I have a special connection. What comes with writing these pieces goes so far deeper than I would have imagined.

You are a Light in the darkness.
Much love your way, Anne,
Cara

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

What a beautiful and inspiring post!!!!

Everyone in the world needs to read this.

Love,
Eli

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Eli,

I'm so glad to hear from you, Eli. I want you to know how very much I appreciate your beautiful writing, consistently contributing to a world that definately needs to hear from you. I know that I do!

Many blessings your way, my dear!

Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Cara- you are a treasure- It is a blessing to know you-

As the Buddha said to the mother whose baby died.

go from home to home and get a mustard seed from a family that has not seen death. when She realized that nobody escapes death she made peace with her suffering.

My mother died 5 days after my birth and it has been a long journey into acceptance but with close friends and my wonderful wife Deb life is sweet.

Big Hugs,

Ed

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, without death there would be no rebirth, without loss, our appreciation of what is Present would be diminished. I see suffering as truly an opportunity to move through the edges into the Unknown, only to find, it, too, is pregnant with life.

Bless you, Brother and Sister,
Cara

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Cara,

Thanks for this beautiful post. As always, your writing so illustrates who you are. It is so clear to those who know you and love you, how much love you extend to the world. I am so very blessed to be one of those who receive your love and kindness and care.

I can tell you, right now, my journey would be a whole lot more scary were you not sharing it with me. But then, it's pretty much been that way for over 35 years, hasn't it?

Words cannot say how grateful i am for our friendship and knowing that you are a part of my life, now and forever.

With love and blessings,
Judith

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Here's how I see it, Bes: 35 years with another 35 to go. As always, we will be walking every single step together. We've got your back. God's got your back. All those who know you've got your back. May this be an opportunity to take in deeply just how much we love you,

Cara

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

Lotsa free hugs.

Being the child of a mama, I just thought I might qualify and join in.