Just a few days ago, I sent off my column for the New Year entitled "Beginning Anew." I don't know if you caught it or not. But, in case you didn't, the essence of it has to do with entering the threshold to a new time, and doing so purposely. This means paring down all that is off purpose, in order to what has sustaining value.
Sometimes, the paring down comes from a Force greater than us. Sometimes, what is stripped away is the very thing we feel we cannot live without. Sometimes, we lose a child. At these junctures, it may be very difficult to comfort ourselves with the thought that there is purpose in this death. Particularly, when the death is that of a child.
This is the plight of John, Kelly and Ella Travolta. Our hearts go out to them. When a child dies, it is the most natural thing in the world to reach out, to struggle for words, and ways of comforting the family. Unfortunately, there are things that you can do which do not comfort, but only deepen the pain of the death. Lest this be inflicted on John Travolta's family, and those you know, I share the following.
Before my own son was killed nearly 18 years ago, I had studied the bereavement process, done grief work with Elisabeth Kubler Ross, and worked with a number of bereaved parents. That said, I knew nothing. Not until my own son was lost. In fact, a few hours after he died, I remember saying to my friend: "This is surreal. I feel like I've gotten trapped in the audience of that Oprah Winfrey show on bereaved parents. This can't be happening in my life!" I also remember telling my 8 year-old daughter that her brother was gone. I will never remember her tears, or words, when she said: "Mommy, it's raining in my heart."
So, if you know someone who has lost a child, and you feel inept, like the friends of the John, Kelly and Ella Travolta must feel, know that you are not alone. No words, no acts can take away the canyon in their heart. Trust me. The process takes a lifetime. Death of your child is something you do not ever 'get over.' You either give up on life when it happens, or you choose to grow through what has happened, and go on to deepen your contribution. Before Elisabeth's death, I shared with her that I've found a Sixth Step to her five step bereavement cycle. The sixth is all about creation. It does not happen overnight.
What Not to Do.
1. Never, ever say "He/she is in a better place." That may comfort you, if you are a believer, but it does not touch the fact that your friend is sitting in the middle of the worst experience a parent can have. Instead, if it is honest, simply say something like "There are no words for what you must be experiencing." Stay out of your head, and go into your heart.
2. Never, ever keep a stop-watch on someone's grieving. You do not know, anymore than they do, how long healing may take. Instead, focus on staying present with the bereaved. Here is the time to listen.
3. Never, ever trivialize what has happened with your own story. Instead, keep your focus on their loss.
4. Never, ever refer to who died in impersonal ways. Instead, use the name of the child. You may feel uncomfortable, but bereaved parents, especially over the long haul suffer a private pain because they fear the world will forget their baby.
5. Never, ever forget other children in the situation. Not only have they lost a sibling, but they lose their parents psychologically during grieving, regardless how aware the parents may be. Instead, spend time with the child. For young children, bring color crayons, and suggest a picture. This may be something they would like to tuck into the garments of the child who died, if there is to be burial, or cremation. Do not interpret the child's reaction to mean they are not grieving. Children grieve in different ways. Let them.
6. Never, ever forget that holidays and anniversaries carry a particular pain. (Nearly no one remembers the second anniversary of a child's death. It is a great time for a card that says you've not forgotten. Instead, remember when you are celebrating rites of passage with your own child, e.g. graduations, weddings, grandchildren, that this brings a sting to your friend, no matter how much they might love your crew. Don't be afraid to mention the name of the child who has died at these times. Let your friend know you appreciate this must 'bring up' a lot for them.
7. Never, ever forget that, as long as you are speaking from your heart, that your love is invaluable. You cannot err. Relax. Breathe. This, too, shall pass.
8. Never, ever assume that it is impossible to begin life anew. Instead, know that it may take a great deal of time and concentrated work, but, just as spring follows winter, life can be reborn with a focus, and support, and guidance from those who have been through the wringer.
9. Never, ever discount your own sense of things. If your friend is starting to isolate, or act in unusual ways, get professional help. They may be suffering complicated bereavement. Instead of saying nothing, investigate parental bereavement groups, such as Compassionate Friends. Be a friend.
Follow Dr. Cara Barker on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrCaraBarker
Just as your living children are never far from you mind, neither is the child you lost.
My family lost my 6 year old brother when I was 15, things were never the same again It was like we stopped being a real family. My mother fell into a depression, my father started working all the time, and we kids couldn't wait to get out of the house.
The day my brother died, was also the day we lost our parents.
Now, as a parent myself, I understand why they couldn't cope. But I often wonder why no neighbor or teacher, or friend stepped to help us kids. It's like they were all afraid to even bring it up, and so they just stayed away.
When people say, "I don't want to make them upset," I think what they really mean is, I don't want to put msyelf in a position where I might have to deal with their feelings.
It took 20 years, and the too young death of my mother, who I believe literally died from grief, but my father, my siblings and I are finally a real family again.
And you better believe, that when someone loses a child, we don't wait for them to "get over it."
It is clear to me that you have gained much Wisdom from what you and your family have endured. Just know that your Voice makes such a difference!
You may be right about your mother. I've told my husband (who is a pathologist) that I am certain that bereaved parents have evidence of that grief in the heart. What a tragic thing to lose your mother so early. I am so sorry.
One of my close friends died this past year. His son died 7 years ago. Our circle is quite certain that the lost of his dear boy caught up with his own health in terms of a heart condition. We miss Charles very much.
Thanks for your tips. I am most grateful, Lisa.
Cara
Here is what has been helping so far: my daughter's presence, along with my other family; friends who are brave enough to call me "just to see how I'm doing"; walking in the woods; music; writing; reading poetry; looking at the sky; several books,the best of which is "The Grieving Garden", specifically for parents who have lost children of any age. I have spoken with a few parents from Compassionate Friends, and am planning to attend several different meetings now that the holidays are over.
My heart goes out to all parents who mourn the death of their children. Bless you, Dr. Barker for your compassion and wisdom. Thank you so much for this post. Keep up your wonderful work.
What a beautiful gift to so many. I completely identified with your piece, as I, too am a therapist and lost my beloved son in October. I, too, had counseled grieving parents, and realize now that "I knew nothing". I also lived with the realization that my son could very well die before me, as he was born with a serious congential heart condition,which was diagnosed when he was 1 year old. Even though he underwent several heart/lung surgeries, nothing prepared me for his death. I am the loneliest person on earth.
Here's what is helping me now: My beloved daughter and my husband. A few friends who call me regularly, just to see how I'm doing. Emails from his college and highschool friends, remembering something funny or comforting he said or did. Lighting candles and saying prayers of thanks. Listening to music. Looking at the sky every day. Walking in the woods. I've read many books,but the one that has helped me the most is "The Grieving Garden", by S. Gilbert and S. Redfern. Specifically for parents who have lost a child.
My heart goes out to the woman who received that cruel comment about her first Christmas without her son. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost children, and their beloved siblings. I thank you from the center of my heart, Dr. Barker, for your generosity and great empathy. May your good work continue. Bless you.
I am with you each step of the way. October is just a short time ago, and this time of, as the African's put it so well "walking under the Gray Cloud" is in Kairos, not Chronos time. Meaning, when dealing with the Mystery which has come to your heart, time stands still. I am so thankful that you are finding ways of doing your own unique walk.
For now, my dear, all I can say is that every single shribbon of what you are enduring will not be lost. I have a feeling your Calling is deepening and expanding as we speak.
You are in the heart of my prayers, as is your son, your daughter and your husband.
Godspeed,
Cara
After my 20 year old daughter died seven years ago in her sleep I found a book "Healing After Loss" by Martha Whitmore Hickman, a mother herself who had lost a daughter. That book has been a comforting and inspiring companion to me at the difficult times that still come even these many years later.
Your list is a familiar one to those of us, as you, who have lived through these days the Travolta Family is experiencing. As I console bereaved parents I must share that their lives will never be the same, but that they will experience joy again, in different ways, and that the memories of their child will eventually come to them without tears at most times.
I would only add that grieving parents must try to forgive violators of your sound guidelines. when their own strength returns. Even my own father spoke words that hurt us all, but he had never lost a child of his own, and could not know how sharp those comments felt. He has since passed, and forgiving him was something I was able to do before he did. The memory of my daughter's sense of humor helped me in reaching that forgiveness of his mistakes.
Be well, ...
As for forgiveness, yes, if we do not get to this piece, the toxicity of withheld forgiveness has a nasty way of turning back on us! It surely does not come overnight, as I am aware, in the forgiveness of the young man who's drinking was responsible for my son's death. On the other hand, the cross he carries, is enough.
I am so glad for you and your father that you were able to find forgiveness in your heart.
As for your daughter's humor, you are the first person who has mentioned this as a way of helping you through the tough parts. So did my own son's. I have a suspicion that your daughter and my son would have appreciated one another's, indeed.
All my best wishes,
Cara
A few years ago, a friend lost her grandchild during the Asian tsunami. I had not the wisdom of your words then and my response to her was very inappropriate, even though well-meaning. I lost her friendship as a result. It was a hard lesson, but one I learned well.
I appreciate your What Not To Do's. I know now to take a deep breath and speak from my heart, were such a circumstance to arise in the future.
With love,
Anne
All I could do was to hug them, thank them for their tears for me, and for showing courage in breaking their silence. The loss of a child is terrifying not simply to the bereaved, but to everyone they know. So terrifying, that at times friends will shun the parents of a child who died out of a primal fear that it might happen to them if they come to close.
I hope your friend forgives you. It is the most comforting gift she could give herself.
Bless you for what you have shared with us!
Cara
I am so glad that the column helped. Bless you.
Cara
And thank you for pointing out that the root word of "courage" is "coeur" or "heart." Many times as I walked/ crawled/ stumbled through the Valley of the Shadow, I would simply say to myself, "Courage," and keep moving forward as best I could.
Best wishes,
Cara
This comforting phrase has stuck with me and I have since passed it on many times. It seems to be comforting even to people of other faiths.
Your imagery of roses in winter is lovely, healing, inspiring.
Many thanks to you,
Dr. Cara
I would also add that this list is appropriate for parents who "loose" a child to a developmental disability like autism which is life-long and despite the media attention still very misunderstood. My son was diagnosed 6 years ago, but not a day goes by that I still don't privately grieve the "typical" child I crave to raise. Similar to a deceased child,mine will never experience most of the rites of passage that many parents of typical children take for granted. My son has never had another child call him on the phone, will never attend a prom with a date, will not marry and have children. These are very real losses that I experience even though my child lives (and continues to need care as though her were a young toddler.)
For those of you who may also be dealing with this type of loss I recommend the book: Chronic Sorrow A Living Loss by Susan Roos.
Bless you. You have raised a very real issue. My heart aches with you. Your situation is so underestimated. I cannot imagine what this must be for you. I do remember the hell my aunt and uncle went through for years dealing with my cousin who is developmentally retarded. Now 52, limited with an 18 month mentality, and his parents' death, there are many, many decisions to be made.
My best wishes,
Cara
instead of offering empty platitudes, try getting the person grieving to recount stories (if the situation warrents it, this doesn't always work for young children). everytime i get to tell one of the adventures of katy and dan, i feel a little less grief.
Suicide, as you know, is unspeakably difficult to address. There are so many 'if onlys'........... I know that when one of my closest friends from childhood shot himself 6 weeks after the death of my son, I could not take in the magnitude of what happened for a long, long time.
I want you to know that I'd love to hear your favorite story about your best friend.
I'm listening,
Dr. Cara
The three "winners" hands down were :
1) "Everything happens for a reason."
2) "Rejoice your child is a peace" (this from strangers...as if being shot had ended some unknown torment for my 20 year old son.)
3) "God only tests you if you can take it. " (again from strangers I am an Atheist, but if I did believe it wouldn't be in a god who "tested" people by murdering their children).
For some reason keeping this list offered a strange comfort and a vaguely amusing distraction.
When people ask me what what they should say the answer is very simple.
1) I am so sorry for YOUR loss.
2) If there is anything I can do, just ask..
Then just listen and do what you can.
There are no rules on grieving or "right" way to morn, the only advise I would give is to morn the real person warts and all. If you spend all your time missing someone who never was you miss out on morning the loss of the real person you loved.
Here's my question to you: what helped and helps the most? This could assist many, many people. Let us know, if you are willing.
I am fortunate to have been born with a short attention span (ADHA) it has always kept me from brooding. I worked, wrote and took long late night walks. While I walked my neighborhood I cried, I picked up trash and talked to the coyotes and raccoons because it was better than rocking in the fetal position in the middle of the living room.
Prospective also helps, by painful happenstance my sons birthday was September 11th and though 2001 was three years after his death it helped me remember there were many people with fresher wounds than mine. I will always carry a sadness in the core of my being. My son was my only blood relative and barring a highly unlikely scenario I am adrift. But drifting is not all bad you get to touch many lives, experience a constantly evolving family. I guess the best thing for recovery is to embrace what feels right to you. If you listen carefully you already carry your answer.
Every good thing your way this New Year's and always,
Dr. Cara
I do ask parents out there is to check in with your other children daily. Bring them a stuffed animal or art supplies, take them on a walk to a local park, but sit with them and listen because they too lost someone. Encourage them to express themselves because they may be trying to be "brave" and not show you their pain. I know I kept a lot from my own parents for years because I did not want to add to their burden of losing my brother and I felt I needed to be brave for their sake. If you have any doubt about how to best help your child, please do not hesitate to get them professional help. It is never bad to err on the side of caution.
One thing is for certain. I am absolutely positive that no brother could be prouder of you. What a courageous woman you are, and articulate, too. My hope is that you are sharing your wisdom with the many who need it so much.
Blessings your way, and appreciation, too,
Dr. Cara
I'm so touched by your sharing here. What incredible wisdom you speak from! To be able to both know that your parents were hurting and trying to survive and to offer your understanding and acceptance of their process as you are navigating your own pain speaks volumes to who you are.
My girl, you are indeed a brave one and you learned it in this dark time. You too, survived this horrendous loss and it's clear that you've emerged with wisdom and compassion for others. Your parents must treasure you so! What a gift you give them!
Thank you, Cara, for being a voice and a vessel for the sorrow felt in such unspeakable loss. I hope you had a best friend to hold your hand during the walk down that long hallway.
With a heart that feels broken up,
Judith
Please do not do what someone did to me tonight. In front of a group of strangers asking me loudly (and cheerfully), "Well, how was your holiday season? The first one without your middle son."
It was a passive-agressive desire to hurt, and it worked. Although I did not let her see my pain.
If I (as a stranger) had heard that (it is a baldly evil remark to make, easily recognized as such by anyone who heard it) I would like to think I would have acted on it, including (if this was some public place) having the owner throw her out.
My sincere condolences to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I urge you to tell your friends about this female neanderthal so next time they can deal with her on your behalf the way she deserves.
What goes around comes around.
All the best,
Dr. Cara
If you feel like a response to them, one notion would be to write a very short note that goes something like this: "I want you to know that when you publicly announced the first holiday season without my son, I felt uncomfortable, overly exposed, the other night. No doubt, you have no idea the pain such careless remarks can have. On behalf of all bereaved parents, I am asking you to never do such a thing again."
Clearly, this person is uneducated when it comes to relations.
As for me, I am so sorry. Holidays are so tough.
May peace be with you,
Cara
Everytime I hear of a new death of a child, I think about the parents, and the long, long road ahead.
As you walk your own, I want you to know that you are in the heart of my prayers, as is your child.
Cara
I am getting along, as well as can be expected in the circumstances. Things that I found helpful: were reading books about grief (having no experience prior to Greg's death), journaling ( a friend gave me a blank book and I was surprised, but it did help), attending Compassionate Friends meetings, and now after all these years writing poetry, not only about my loss but about Life and all its wonders. As I said before, to each his own and in his/her own way. There is no Right way to grieve, just a journey where one must find his/her path. I am sorry for Your loss and can honestly say: I know how you feel
10. Never, ever say, "Well at least you have another child." Each child is a unique treasure.
Thanks for adding your wisdom.
What I need to say to you, though, personally, is how very, very sorry I am for your own lost child.
Dr. Cara