Enter, stage left, the holidays. I say, 'stage left,' because the past months have been so dense, so complicated, and so alarming on global, as well as national platforms, that the season of celebration seems to have come out of nowhere. Now, it is true that each year, they seem to come faster, yet this one, carries a new layer of angst.
Not that the holidays have always been a cakewalk. For nearly forty years in my practice, I have witnessed a phenomenon that is predictable. When it comes to Thanksgiving and what follows, the bravest amongst us privately confides distress. Ever since Norman Rockwell stroked paint on canvas, leaving us his unforgettable image of smiling faces gathered around the table at Turkey Time, too many of us have self-tortured with comparison. They were merely Rockwell's invention. You might want to pick up his biography. He suffered loneliness, and its related stress. And yet, it is our human tendency to compare ourselves with others, as a baseline. That said, it is an unwise practice. Equate comparison with cortisol; that toxin that floods our bloodstream when we are overwhelmed, distressed, leaving our circuits fried. Not good.
As you can see, we are in very big trouble this year if we continue this practice. There is the potential to compare your family's situation to others', without knowing the complete and hidden story of those individuals, and the temptation to compare where you may be with other holidays, and feel you are coming up on the short end of the wishbone. Even if you feel your situation is impeccable, there is the temptation to feel guilty that others around the world, and next door, may be navigating very different straits.
What to do?
Let's run through a few of the worst scenarios, and possible interventions.
1. Personal Loss. There is nothing like this time of year to bring back the pain of loss, recent, or otherwise. I should know. Ever since my only son, nearly 19, was killed by a drunk driver 17 years ago, my empathy for those who suffer this at special family time has grown exponentially. I call this the 'Empty Chair Syndrome.' If you come from stoic gene pools, like my own, then the tendency is for everyone to avoid the 'elephant in the room,' for fear of making matters worse. This only leaves the bereaved feeling more isolated. Their loss, now compounded by lost connection with other survivors. Here's the thing to get: you cannot make it worse by mentioning that you, too, miss the person who has gone. (Perhaps through death, relocation, divorce.) Just the acknowledgement that you are present, as an aware human being, helps.
2. Dealing with the Empty Chair: Pre-emptive Strikes.
a.Privately: One action step that helps is to set aside, privately, a period of time to acknowledge what you've lost, 24-48 hours before your family gathering. Grieve what needs grieving. Then, call into your awareness your gratitude for what you have had, and what you are learning about what is important. Honor your experience.
b.In Public: Set aside time with your family, to share what you most appreciate about the person that is gone, in terms of what you have learned through your loss. What is your commitment to how you choose to live with one another from this point on?
3. Coping with Loss of Identity and Financial Security. One of my favorite philosophers and mystics was Meister Eckhart. He said something that has gotten me through many rough waters: "God strips us of our props." This is the nature of life. It seems that so often, just as we are getting comfy with a particular way of being and living in the world, conditions change. We are required to shed. Shed identities, ego fixations, and often, finances. Even the butterfly begins with the caterpillar's shedding. From out of the goo, the butterfly. But this is easier said retrospectively. Think of a time in your life when you felt you could not go on with some big loss or disappointment. Consider how you struggled to 'keep things the same.' Yet, with courage on your part, and trust in the process, your life moved forward. You grew. You will grow again. I have confidence in you. The question to ask yourself is: Are you open to something new? Are you willing to let ego step aside, inform yourself of new possibilities, and get back in the saddle, even through the wobble of the learning curve?
4. Coping with Difficult People. Many years ago, I wrote a little book called How to Deal with Difficult People. I did so for clients, because when people are really honest, no one knows a 100% Beaver Cleaver family where all challenges are absent. See a family without challenge and you see a family that has no possibility for growth, as well as expanding contribution! That said, all of us have some family member that is irksome. And, if you think about it, there is a pretty predictable pattern that leads to caca. I can think of one such person myself. He tends to monopolize every conversation, his ailing health, and is dismissive of any family member who is comfortable sharing feelings. He is competitive with guests. One time it occurred to me that I was needing a new strategy. Since 'feedback,' did not work, I tried a new action step. It goes like this: I make an appointment with him before our actual gathering to spend alone time. He loves it. He feels special. The benefit to me is that I am getting to know him in a new, and positive way. I realize that his insecurity was coming across as nastiness, because, although he is very bright, he did not know another way. Naturally, everyone avoids him, which was egging him on for more attention. But, with attention freely given before the family events, he pays more attention to others.
5. Just Know That Some Will Grow With You. Some Won't. So what? Move on.
As owner of several businesses, I am reminded of this everyday. We don't have to be for everyone. I meet people who truly want to grow, and expand their service, as well as taking care of self and family. I also meet people who are committed to living in the same familiar box, and then wonder why their lives are flat-lining. One of the blessings of being in my sixties is this realization, and the courage to say it aloud. I am who I am. You are who you are. Vive la difference, and similarities. Stand up in who you are! Your Light was meant to shine.
6. Becoming a Good Samaritan. Sometimes it is easier to help others, and appreciate who they are before you will do likewise for yourself. This year, I am encouraging you into a 'Psychology of Kindness.' That is, become a Good Samaritan to yourself when you need compassion.
So, this year, as the holidays approach, may we recall the words of Tiny Tim: "God bless us, every one!"