When The Holidays Aren't So Happy

Enter, stage left, the holidays. I say, 'stage left,' because the past months have been so dense, so complicated, and so alarming on global, as well as national platforms, that the season of celebration seems to have come out of nowhere. Now, it is true that each year, they seem to come faster, yet this one, carries a new layer of angst.

Not that the holidays have always been a cakewalk. For nearly forty years in my practice, I have witnessed a phenomenon that is predictable. When it comes to Thanksgiving and what follows, the bravest amongst us privately confides distress. Ever since Norman Rockwell stroked paint on canvas, leaving us his unforgettable image of smiling faces gathered around the table at Turkey Time, too many of us have self-tortured with comparison. They were merely Rockwell's invention. You might want to pick up his biography. He suffered loneliness, and its related stress. And yet, it is our human tendency to compare ourselves with others, as a baseline. That said, it is an unwise practice. Equate comparison with cortisol; that toxin that floods our bloodstream when we are overwhelmed, distressed, leaving our circuits fried. Not good.

As you can see, we are in very big trouble this year if we continue this practice. There is the potential to compare your family's situation to others', without knowing the complete and hidden story of those individuals, and the temptation to compare where you may be with other holidays, and feel you are coming up on the short end of the wishbone. Even if you feel your situation is impeccable, there is the temptation to feel guilty that others around the world, and next door, may be navigating very different straits.

What to do?

Let's run through a few of the worst scenarios, and possible interventions.

1. Personal Loss. There is nothing like this time of year to bring back the pain of loss, recent, or otherwise. I should know. Ever since my only son, nearly 19, was killed by a drunk driver 17 years ago, my empathy for those who suffer this at special family time has grown exponentially. I call this the 'Empty Chair Syndrome.' If you come from stoic gene pools, like my own, then the tendency is for everyone to avoid the 'elephant in the room,' for fear of making matters worse. This only leaves the bereaved feeling more isolated. Their loss, now compounded by lost connection with other survivors. Here's the thing to get: you cannot make it worse by mentioning that you, too, miss the person who has gone. (Perhaps through death, relocation, divorce.) Just the acknowledgement that you are present, as an aware human being, helps.

2. Dealing with the Empty Chair: Pre-emptive Strikes.
a. Privately: One action step that helps is to set aside, privately, a period of time to acknowledge what you've lost, 24-48 hours before your family gathering. Grieve what needs grieving. Then, call into your awareness your gratitude for what you have had, and what you are learning about what is important. Honor your experience.
b. In Public: Set aside time with your family, to share what you most appreciate about the person that is gone, in terms of what you have learned through your loss. What is your commitment to how you choose to live with one another from this point on?

3. Coping with Loss of Identity and Financial Security. One of my favorite philosophers and mystics was Meister Eckhart. He said something that has gotten me through many rough waters: "God strips us of our props." This is the nature of life. It seems that so often, just as we are getting comfy with a particular way of being and living in the world, conditions change. We are required to shed. Shed identities, ego fixations, and often, finances. Even the butterfly begins with the caterpillar's shedding. From out of the goo, the butterfly. But this is easier said retrospectively. Think of a time in your life when you felt you could not go on with some big loss or disappointment. Consider how you struggled to 'keep things the same.' Yet, with courage on your part, and trust in the process, your life moved forward. You grew. You will grow again. I have confidence in you. The question to ask yourself is: Are you open to something new? Are you willing to let ego step aside, inform yourself of new possibilities, and get back in the saddle, even through the wobble of the learning curve?

4. Coping with Difficult People. Many years ago, I wrote a little book called How to Deal with Difficult People. I did so for clients, because when people are really honest, no one knows a 100% Beaver Cleaver family where all challenges are absent. See a family without challenge and you see a family that has no possibility for growth, as well as expanding contribution! That said, all of us have some family member that is irksome. And, if you think about it, there is a pretty predictable pattern that leads to caca. I can think of one such person myself. He tends to monopolize every conversation, his ailing health, and is dismissive of any family member who is comfortable sharing feelings. He is competitive with guests. One time it occurred to me that I was needing a new strategy. Since 'feedback,' did not work, I tried a new action step. It goes like this: I make an appointment with him before our actual gathering to spend alone time. He loves it. He feels special. The benefit to me is that I am getting to know him in a new, and positive way. I realize that his insecurity was coming across as nastiness, because, although he is very bright, he did not know another way. Naturally, everyone avoids him, which was egging him on for more attention. But, with attention freely given before the family events, he pays more attention to others.

5. Just Know That Some Will Grow With You. Some Won't. So what? Move on.
As owner of several businesses, I am reminded of this everyday. We don't have to be for everyone. I meet people who truly want to grow, and expand their service, as well as taking care of self and family. I also meet people who are committed to living in the same familiar box, and then wonder why their lives are flat-lining. One of the blessings of being in my sixties is this realization, and the courage to say it aloud. I am who I am. You are who you are. Vive la difference, and similarities. Stand up in who you are! Your Light was meant to shine.

6. Becoming a Good Samaritan. Sometimes it is easier to help others, and appreciate who they are before you will do likewise for yourself. This year, I am encouraging you into a 'Psychology of Kindness.' That is, become a Good Samaritan to yourself when you need compassion.

So, this year, as the holidays approach, may we recall the words of Tiny Tim: "God bless us, every one!"

Comments

[tiradintim]

"The h.o.l.i.d.a.y.s" sounds like a rather artificial concept to me

[Promise]

I have found recent holidaes to be sources of more pain than happiness, for my own reasons. I was raised in a very Norman Rockwell type family and every holiday was filled with all the right things--loads of food, family, presents, parties, music, church. ( I recall seeing my father gazing with incredibly deep feeling at the Rockwell covers on the Saturday Evening Post.) My heart was engraved with the pictures of "how it's supposed to be."

My life took a different turn,and now I find myself nowadays with none of the above. I really don't mind the lack ot the traditional trappings but what bothers me mostly is the sense of failure and guilt that I don't have this. Two years ago I fell into such a deep state of worthlessness at the holidaes that it took me months to recover. Last year I vowed I wouldn't let that happen again and I took steps to rev myself up for a wonderful season. I felt great for about the first three weeks of December but then got news of serious illness in the family and I crashed. I made it through the holiday with the help of alcohol...something I don't want to repeat.

This year I'm contemplating going somewhere out of town where no one knows me and I don't have to pretend to be happy.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Promise,
The scene you paint of your childhood with your description is beautiful, Promise. I feel lmyself transported there.

And so it is, that your report of how things are today, for you, leaves me with a sense of sadness. One of the pieces that stands out for me, is the "sense of failure and guilt that I don't have this." I am wondering what makes you feel guilt? I am wondering what makes you blame yourself? Are you certain that this is appropriate, or even fair? Our lives change from childhood, and the idealism that we had.

Perhaps, this year, it might be useful to travel through December, not with a big plan, but with little, daily steps. See what you can do to notice the small things which bring your senses a sense of wonder. Jot them down. There will be clues, here, for you, that can point to a direction where there is more life, and less regret. You might also benefit by joining a support group. Shop around and see which ones feel right for you. Community is very, very crucial to healing. I am sure they would be grateful to have you join. Last, take a daily walk for at least 20 minutes. Let's get those endorphins going. Consider going to see someone professional to listen to your feelings. You deserve the best.

Let me know how you are. You will be in the heart of my prayers.
Dr. Cara

[Promise]

Dear Cara:

Your responses are so lovely, I really am touched! Your name is very appropriate, since you obviously are a very dear and caring person.

It has been helpful to me to read the posts here and to think about my own situation. I agree that my guilt is irrational. I'm thinking of writing a story, "The Girl Who Failed Christmas," and see what happy ending turns up. I'm also going to focus on "My Christmas, My Way" since so much of my grief has been coming from not living up to some expectations of how I'm supposed to be doing it.

One Thanksgiving, I don't think I did anything special but it didn't bother me at all until a co-worker expressed great pity when I told her. Another Thanksgiving I took a gorgeous walk in the woods after a new snowfall and loved it but when I told my sister about it she expressed the same mixture of pity with a heavy dose of shame!

Several years I was out of the country, which seemed to give me an excuse not to do the usual thing and I ended up doing things I really liked. .

I do take regular walks and have found that avoiding sugar, a known depressant, helps. Perhaps there is an online support group geared to this subject.

I really do feel much better, having written this---like maybe it's ok just to do Christmas my way. I'm still thinking of leaving town...

[gfk]

My brother took his own life over the weekend. The rest of the family has put aside any "dysfunction" we may have had to deal with this loss together. It is bringing us all closer and that is a beautiful thing. The holidays will now forever have an empty chair. Thank you for sharing about the loss of your son. So sad.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear gfk,

I am so sorry that you have lost your brother. I am so sorry that you lost him in such a tragic way. When I lost my son, one man who worked with my husband at the office, a guy I'd never met, signed one of those condolence cards that was passed around the workplace. Many others had written beautiful, and lengthy sentiments, which we appreciated very much. But the one I'll never forget was the man who wrote four simple words in solid block letters. They read: "There are no words."

Well, gfk, there are no words. No one has gone through exactly what you are going through, or what your folks are experiences. There may be similarities, yes. But your story, and your relationship with your brother is unique.

I am so glad that your parents and you are gathering together in such a beautiful way. I know many people who would not understand this. You sound like truly enlightened beings, and are joining together in the way that matters most.

The process takes much time, particularly with a violent death. Prepare for the roller coaster. Know that you are not alone. Let me hear from you.

May God's Grace be with you,
Cara
You might want to call Sounds True in Boulder, Colorado. Ask for the tape "Grieving the Loss of Your Child." Many have told me this has been very helpful, especially for parents.

[Promise]

Dear gfk: I am so sorry at your tragic loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am really heartened that your family is pulling together to deal with the situation. As Arianna said recently, "A crisis is a terrible thing to waste." It sounds like you are forging something wonderful from your tragedy. 'Sending you love and blessings!

[PixWix]

I find myself struggling w/ depression as the holiday season approaches.
I am divorced after yrs of separation and I was surprised after yrs of being separated how the divorce becoming final devastated me. I am angry over all that I lost and being at this age and starting over w/ nothing after working so hard for many yrs.
I find myself in a new city w/ no family and few friends and still mourning my sister who died in 1999 from suicide. Holiday's are a painful reminder of her not being here and she was one of the few family members who really "got" what the season was all about.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear PixWix,

It sounds like alot is congealing for you in such a difficult way. Oh, how I wish I had a fairy Godmother's wand to make it all go away. Alas!
What I can say is that it sounds like you are dealing with something called 'complicated bereavement.' In 'earth language,' this means that there are many aspects of this kind of grief that require time, and TLC. No Hallmark card will heal this kind of owie, for sure.

It is a very natural thing for old grief to come back at times with new losses. Don't worry. Of course you are angry. I understand completely. It is so hard to get to that place for which you have worked hard, and to have it go poof.
Have you explored a grief group in your new city? Check them each out. Think of them as an added way to expand your circle. Also, you never know what new doors might open through these new friends. Last, you might want to consider who you could volunteer to assist, or what group, in the name of your sister, who 'got' it. I have a feeling she would smile on your efforts. Perhaps this would be the beginning of a new ritual.

Hang in there. You are not alone.
Cara

[PixWix]

Cara,
Thanks for the thoughts.....
It is surprising {or perhaps not?} that my mind goes back to the pain of the loss of my sister,particulary during the holidays she truly had the spirit of the holidays and gave from her heart .My grown children and nephews still talk of when she was so poor but gave them packettes of kool-aid for Christmas and now how they treasure the thoughtfulness of those small gifts.
It's surprising to me how new "wounds" bring back the pain of old ones.
Like a scab not healed that keeps opening up never quite healing completely.How I am devastated over my divorce even though we were separated for yrs,how even though my sister's death was so tragic I find myself thinking of suicide.....just thinking of it.......and I can understand how my sister didn't want to really die but end her pain.
I have reached out to a Unitarian Church in my area asking for a ride Sunday and it was put in the bulletin and someone offered a ride!!!
I hope it is a small step to finding a place to belong.
Thank you for allowing me to vent.

[javaz]

I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with extremely nasty in-laws.
I've been married for 22 years and my in-laws have yet to accept me or believe that my marriage will last.
Fortunately, I only need to see these people once a year, but trust me, it's a miserable and horrible few hours.
I am thinking this year I will skip the 'celebration' with a feigned sickness because it is a dreadful occasion that never ends well for me.
I love the holidays, but truly dread the family gathering.
HELP!

[mec57]

I just saw that movie The Family Sloane...difficult movie to watch...a very unlikeable family unwilling to accept someone different than them at first...until matters change...

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

You've put your finger on the key, mec57. We do not change until something more important than our old point of view surfaces. What event/circumstance has brought the biggest change for you regarding the holidays, or other times? I'd love to know.

With appreciation,
Dr. Cara

[Checquoline]

Take a book and find a quiet place. Who cares what they think?

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Good plan! What are your favorite sorts of books that help you celebrate, and renew yourself? Our readers would appreciate your suggestions, favorite authors that uplift you, Checquoline. I know that I would!

In the meantime, here's an interesting one: When God Winks, and/or The Shack.

All the best,
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear javaz,

Your situation can be so devasting that it can create permanent damage. This needn't be the case. Limited here by word length, my next column will be for you in some detail. Meanwhile,

1. first, take care of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take at least the 24 hours before /after their arrival to do something sweet for you. 2. Time for a pow-wow . Talk to your husband about your discomfort. Most men feel 'caught in the middle.' Make an appointment with your mate.Your agenda is to share your experience. Do this some place other than home. You want to signal to your husband that this is serious. DO NOT use the phrase "We've Got to Talk." Be willing to lead with the good news. Something like this: 'Mike, (whatever his name), I asked you for this appointment because I value us as a team. What I most admire and love most about you is:........ I am committed to our relationship." Our mutual distress needs addressing. My intention is to find a way to work this through, building a foundation beginning now. Here's my experience. You love us each. I am grateful to them because they have had a significant role in who you have become. That said, I have not found a healthy way, to be together with your folks. This must change.
Let me hear from you.
Dr. Cara

[javaz]

Thank you for the reply.
My husband is well aware of the tension and he does feel caught in the middle, but he has always supported me and understands. It's the reason we only see his family once a year as a couple.
I think I might have solved the problem this year.
We are going to visit with his elderly mother early and alone.
I've also done some soul-searching and do acknowledge that I am not blameless, so I am working on changing my attitude and instead of expecting the worst, I will visit his mother with a smile and positive attitude.
I experienced a traumatic accident last fall and learned to live with the motto "from this day forward."
It has helped me in forgetting the past and focusing on today.

[SeaBlood]

I think the depression that many of us experience during the winter holidays is, in no small part, due to the lesser amounts of sunshine. That's probably why we put up brightly lit xmas trees and twinkling light on our windows--to cheer ourselves up. May I recommend that you use white tree lights instead of the colored ones; white ones have a bigger impact on depression.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Great article, Cara, and ever so right on as you always are.

I am one of those people who has never been especially fond of this season and in years past, have really had to work to get myself "up" for the whole scene. Something about the whole marketing of the holidays as a consumer driven event has always left me cold.

But this year, I've decided that instead of doing the whole consumer thing, I'm dedicated to creating a different kind of experience based on truly being present and giving up the presents. There's an entire movement this year to encourage consumers to forgo the traditional shopping craziness and either give hand made gifts or share experiential gifts. I'm all on board with that and know it will make a difference in my own experience of this season.

There's an interesting blog in the Style section by Kira Craft on this subject and my own blog just down the block here on the Living page: Black Friday at Wal-Mart: The Cost of Crazed Consumerism. Check out the video there on "Buy Nothing Day". Yes indeed, these are interesting times!

Thanks as always for your wise, timely offerings.

Much love
Judith

[mec57]

I have always been turned off by the notion that a "gift" will define one's love for another, as this society tries to do...I am especially repulsed when you see car commercials equating the ultimate gift of love as bestowing a new car on your significant other. The incident at Wal Mart on Long Island really says a lot about how people see objects as more important than people.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Judith,

I love your idea. Let's do it together! Just last night, while getting on-line, there were several pop-ups with the tag 'you can have it all.' Honestly, it seemed like blasphemy when you consider where we are these days in the world. You and I know that there is alot of substance in the notion of our capacity to create remarkable things. But, when it is suggested by advertisers that there is no pricetag, well, 'hello!'

The other thing that really resonates with me is this whole piece about Presence. I've been thinking about it a great deal lately as 'The Gift of Presence.' As usual, we are on the same beam. Meanwhile, I'm going to check out Kira Craft's blog.

Let's continue the conversation. As always, you bring so very much to 'the party.'

Love,
Cara

[brooklyncitizen]

Well maybe part of it is accepting where you are, who you are and what you have. The suggestions posted are useful but there is a point in which understanding that some things are not "fixable" or made to be improved upon is healthy; also some things, frankly, we just don't survive.

In the aftermath of Mumbai and as we enter another year in Iraq I contrast our "holiday cheer" with that reality as well as my own personal losses, and I'm challenged to find joy and hold on to it in this context. That I believe is the trick...to hold both in one's heart.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, Brooklyncitizen, you are so right. Holding the tension of opposites is not only difficult and necessary, but it is also the experience that leads to enw beginnings. Mumbai, as you have so wonderfully stated, is such a reminder of the opposites with which we are asked to deal. This Schoolhouse of Life is very taxing, indeed. The fundamental choice seems to be where we line up in terms of perspective: do we see ourselves as those human beings with a rare spiritual experience, or as Spiritual Beings, here, to have human experience. For me, the only way to transit the challenges of loss and disappointment have been the latter point of view. It is not easy.

My very best to you!
Cara

[WendyAron]

The holidays are a particuarly tough time for those who suffer from depression. To them, I would say that now is the time to practice gratitude toward the people you do have in your life and reach out to them by showing your appreciation and being honest about your not-so-festive holiday mood. You'll be surprised by how many people feel the same as you do,

Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Wendy,

First, thank you for the contribution of your book! I've not read it, but will order it. The need for this subject matter if huge, as you know. Over my 40+ years of a practice in this work, I've had the blessing of hearing from literally hundreds of thousands of people, here and abroad, who suffer as you describe. We need more voices like your own. Very good advice! I'd love to hear from you more!

With gratitude, and all good wishes,
Cara


With a

[Michale32086]

I have never been much of a holiday person.

I would be happy as a clam if we went from Oct 15th to Jan 16th in one fell swoop..

But I enjoyed your good advice on how do deal with stressful situations. These seem to be really good ideas, holiday season or no.

Thank you.

Michale.....

[mec57]

My least favorite holiday? Halloween...

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I know many people who feel this way, too, Mec57. I'm fascinated. What do you like best about Halloween?

Warmest wishes,
Cara

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Michale,

I'm glad you found the column useful. Which ideas seemed to help the most?

Meanwhile, what would you suggest for people like yourself who have a tough time between Oct. 15-Jan 16th? There are plenty of folks out there who share the same feelings as you. Say more, won't you? Let's get a conversation going that will support others!

All the best,
Cara